


i wanna ruin our friendship

by roseknight



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Homophobia, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 11:05:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 71,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5926129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseknight/pseuds/roseknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Oikawa can't pretend he doesn't know what he's feeling.  He's far too accustomed to jealousy for that.  But there's no reason to feel such intense jealousy towards two guys he doesn't even know, that he just happened to catch kissing.</em>
</p><p><em>No reason he can accept.</em> </p><p>In which a single confession letter unravels Oikawa's control over his life and forces him to realize he wants something besides friendship from Iwaizumi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Oikawa is in the middle of recounting the most incredible dream ("I was a demon king and you were a soldier coming to kill me! You better apologize to me for siding with Tobio." "How the fuck am I responsible for what happens in your sleep?") when he notices a boy standing behind Iwaizumi, shuffling his feet nervously. The way he fidgets and looks around the classroom makes Oikawa think he must be a first-year.

He breaks off and flashes him a dazzling smile. "Are you lost? I'm sure Iwa-chan will escort you back to your classroom, if you're in need of a guide."

Iwaizumi looks up from his half-eaten bento but before he can say anything, the boy blurts out, "A-actually, I want to speak with you, Oikawa-senpai. Privately, please?" He has hopeful brown eyes obscured slightly by curly bangs and his arms are behind his back like he's hiding something.

Oikawa considers him for a moment. Maybe he's interested in the volleyball team, which Oikawa has managed to become the poster child for despite being a second-year. They'd gone toe-to-toe against Shiratorizawa in the recent Interhigh finals and every tournament they do well in garners the team another swell of popularity, after all. But he doesn't have an athletic physique, and though he seems shy, surely he could've voiced a volleyball-related question in front of Iwaizumi as well.

But he smiles. "Of course! Sorry, Iwa-chan, it must be hard for you to have such a popular friend. Don't get too lonely while I'm gone!"

Iwaizumi jabs Oikawa in the side with his chopsticks as he walks by and says, "Play nice, demon king."

"I'm always nice," Oikawa insists, ignoring Iwaizumi's scoff as he heads out the doorway with the boy.

He turns to him and says, "What's your name, by the way?"

"Takahashi Ichirou," he says. Now that they're side by side, Oikawa can make out something folded in the hands he's keeping closely clasped. "I'm a first-year, Class 5. Um, I think here is okay."

He stops them in a stairwell, where they're out of view from the hallway, and looks up and down the stairs twice. Oikawa tilts his head curiously.

Takahashi breathes in deep, bows towards Oikawa, and holds out an envelope. It is a pose Oikawa has been familiar with for years now, but his eyes widen in shock all the same. The envelope has his name written on it, but it seems bare without any glittery stickers or doodles surrounding it. He's used to those confessing to him going all out to appear as cute as possible. What he's not used to is having a boy confess to him.

"I know this might seem weird, but I really like you, Oikawa-senpai. I watch all your matches and I-I know you probably don't like boys, but I wanted to at least tell you. Please accept this."

Almost mechanically, Oikawa takes the outstretched envelope, his eyes never leaving Takahashi's face. There's no chance this is a joke. Takahashi is blushing, and his voice cracked halfway through his small speech.

He can't meet Oikawa's eyes as he finishes up with, "You don't have to answer me if it makes you uncomfortable. Thank you for listening to me."

He bows again and rushes off down the staircase, as though he can't get out of Oikawa's sight fast enough.

Oikawa turns the envelope over and over in his hands, as though it will make sense to him if he looks at it long enough. What finally breaks him out of his trance is the bell signaling that lunch is almost over. He slips the envelope into his pocket and returns to his classroom. Takahashi's words never stop replaying in his head: _I really like you, Oikawa-senpai._

There's a cold feeling in his chest. He forces a smile onto his face as he slides into his seat beside Iwaizumi.

"So, what'd he want?" Iwaizumi asks.

"He wanted to know if being best friends with a Neanderthal is as scary as it looks," Oikawa chirps.

"Are you going to give me a serious answer, or should I just go ahead and hit you?"

"This kind of behavior is why I told him it was actually much worse- ow ow ow!"

Iwaizumi pushes Oikawa's face into his desk and ruffles his hair roughly, and Oikawa whines and complains until class starts so that there's no chance for him to be asked about Takahashi again.

-

Oikawa's nerves are raw as he and Iwaizumi weave their way through the crowd milling about and look for a good place to watch Kitagawa Daiichi's game. They've already seen a couple of other games and noted some middle school third-years to watch out for next year, but for Oikawa, this is the dreadful main attraction, where he'll find out just how much Kageyama Tobio has progressed.

He has his most smug smile on his face as they claim an empty stretch of railing, because if Kageyama happens to look up, Oikawa wants it to be clear that he isn't just literally looking down on him from his position. Of course, Iwaizumi notices and elbows him hard, so that the smug turns into a wince.

"Don't be so violent, I'm allowed to intimidate my enemies," Oikawa sniffs.

"Not if they're still in middle school."

"This is just like my dream, where you took Tobio's side!" Oikawa says, pointing an accusing finger at Iwaizumi. "Now you're going to pull out a huge sword and try to behead me!"

The expression on Iwaizumi's face says that he would like to do nothing more than fulfill Oikawa's bizzare dream. Oikawa quickly adds, "Well, let's see how things are going," and turns purposefully back to the court. Fortunately, Iwaizumi does the same.

They watch in silence for awhile. Oikawa's eyes darken as Kageyama tosses flawlessly, over and over and over, like he's a robot designed for setting. But as the game continues and the point gap widens, he can see Kageyama panic. He doesn't show it like most people would, with fumbled combos and worried eyes, but with a wicked temper and a recklessness not a single one of his teammates can match.

"This is why they've been calling him King of the Court?" Oikawa wonders aloud. The nickname had concerned him, but now he sees that Kageyama doesn't just differ from him in terms of innate ability, but also when it comes to syncing with his team's pace. Kageyama doesn't adjust his toss to make things easier on the spikers, instead yelling at them when they don't hit what he thinks was the best toss.

"I guess you aren't worried anymore," Iwaizumi says. He looks surprised as well, because this Kageyama's personality is unrecognizable from the one they knew two years ago.

"I wouldn't say that. This is Tobio we're talking about. But if he keeps this up, no one's going to want to play with him anymore. How pitiful," Oikawa says with a lilt in his voice.

His prediction comes true in no time, when Kageyama tosses and no one makes an attempt to spike the ball. His teammates all hang back, glaring, and Kageyama has to make the shameful walk to the bench, where he sits with his head down and his fists clenched.

Kitagawa Daiichi loses the match. Kageyama's forlorn figure is swallowed up by the rest of the team as they trail out of the gym in low spirits.

Oikawa recalls his own last match in middle school. Though it ended in defeat, he'd won the Best Setter Award and looked forward to high school with renewed determination. He and Iwaizumi made a promise then that things would go differently in the future, and Oikawa hadn't felt alone at all. It couldn't have been more of a contrast to Kageyama's final memories at Kitagawa Daiichi.

While Oikawa gloats to himself about having an award Kageyama will never have, he and Iwaizumi leave the gym and head to a nearby favorite restaurant of theirs. The atmosphere is nice, the sun shining in on their booth by the window and the hum of conversations about them forming pleasant white noise. And then Iwaizumi goes and says the thing Oikawa has been firmly putting out of his mind.

"Where do you think Kageyama's going to go for high school? I'm pretty sure he's going to get invited to our school regardless of what happened today."

Oikawa lets his menu fall to the table and glares at Iwaizumi. "Tobio at Seijou? There goes my appetite."

"I'm just saying it's a possibility, dumbass. Are you gonna be okay if that happens?"

"Of course not!" Oikawa says vehemently. "He has to be on a different team so I can crush him and his stupidly perfect technique."

Iwaizumi is looking at him closely. Oikawa always feels a faint sense of shame when Iwaizumi starts talking about things like this, because it makes him remember how difficult he made things for Iwaizumi back in middle school and how he'd sunk so low as to physically lash out at Kageyama.

He scowls to cover up the guilt creeping up on him. "You always say I'm too full of myself but when I say I'm not as good as Kageyama is at something, you get mad. That kind of contradiction is really mean, you know."

"You're annoying either way."

A waitress interrupts their conversation to take their orders. She brings their drinks momentarily and Oikawa sips his soda, deep in thought. He really wishes Iwaizumi had brought up some other topic. Now he's imagining Kageyama in white and turquoise, standing on the court as official setter...

"Ouch!"

His hands fly to his wounded forehead, red from a particularly hard flick. Iwaizumi is frowning at him from across the table. "You were just panicking, weren't you?"

"Was not!" Oikawa sticks his tongue out at Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi probably knows he's lying but all he says is, "Good. Because you're better than he is. You're the best setter for our team."

"Iwa-chan..." Oikawa wants to make a teasing comment and ruin the moment, because that's how he always reacts when Iwaizumi suddenly turns serious. He opens his mouth to say something that will undoubtedly get him flicked even harder than before when he notices who's walking into the restaurant.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

"Huh?" Iwaizumi turns around to see what Oikawa's looking at and his face becomes an identical sneer a moment later when he spots Ushijima coming their way.

Ushijima stops by their table and nods at them. "Oikawa," he acknowledges. And, after a long moment, "Iwaizumi."

Oikawa doesn't know why Ushijima bothers talking to two people who are clearly plotting his untimely death and he wishes that Iwaizumi was less inhibited about hitting people who aren't him. He smiles sweetly, his eyes deadly and flat. "Ushiwaka-chan, we're trying to eat here, so maybe move along?"

"Your food isn't here yet," Ushijima says point blank. Oikawa wants to flip the table.

"So what do you want then?" Oikawa snaps. "And if you're here to tell me I should've gone to Shiratorizawa, I will accidentally on purpose spike into your face the next time we play each other."

"But you're a setter."

"I'm sure Watacchi will assist me." Oikawa can't even keep the fake smile up at this point. "Now, shoo."

Ushijima complies, but not before saying, "I look forward to our next match, though the result is already clear."

Fuming, Oikawa wraps his hand around his glass and squeezes it, pretending it's Ushijima's neck. "Let's kill him. No jury would convict us."

"I want to. God, I want to."

The waitress comes back with their food then. Her cheery "enjoy!" cuts off abruptly when she sees their expressions and she retreats hurriedly back to the kitchen.

Oikawa stabs his chopsticks into his bowl of udon and keeps complaining as he eats. "Why is he so obsessed with me anyway? I mean, I know I'm incredible and good-looking and extremely talented, but still, he should finally take the hint and back off. Ew, maybe he's in love with me."

As soon as he says it, he regrets it. It makes him think of an unopened envelope shoved deep in his desk drawer, of a trembling confession in a masculine voice.

Iwaizumi says, "Nah, I don't think even Ushiwaka's that gross."

Oikawa clutches his chopsticks tight.

"I mean, anyone who knows you at all would never have a crush on you."

Oikawa blinks and looks up from his udon, knowing his blank surprise is the wrong reaction to Iwaizumi's joke. They have a routine: Oikawa insults Iwaizumi and gets hit, Iwaizumi insults Oikawa and gets an earful of whining. By the time he comes up with a retort, the pause has gone on too long for it to sound natural, so he doesn't bother.

Iwaizumi looks away uncomfortably. "I wasn't being serious, dumbass," he mutters, because he knows if he apologizes more plainly than that, Oikawa will turn it around and make fun of him for being soft-hearted.

Oikawa feels bad for making Iwaizumi feel bad, but he has no way to explain just what about his words had upset him. He can't even explain it to himself. The only way to salvage the conversation, he figures, is to keep things from getting any more awkward.

"I'll forgive you if you pay for my meal. Oh, and get me dessert! I want one of those chocolate cupcakes, and maybe a strawberry one too for comparison-"

Iwaizumi kicks his toes under the table and Oikawa yelps indignantly to hide that he's relieved things are back to normal.

And it is nice when Iwaizumi buys him one of the cupcakes he asked for.

-

Time slips by easily in the summer, when there's no school to distract Oikawa from filling his days with volleyball. All that's on his mind is how to further improve his technique, support his teammates, and ruthlessly destroy whatever opponents stand on the court opposite theirs.

They're invited to participate in a joint training camp with three of the other top schools in the prefecture. Oikawa appreciates the opportunity to pin down the weaknesses of some of the stronger players they might face in the upcoming tournament. Of course, he's infamous for doing just that, so the guarded expressions and grim frowns thrown in his direction when he steps onto the court with his team don't throw him off at all. Rather, he revels in the tension he causes.

However, he's not to blame for the other team's disarray when it's time for their first practice match against Johzenji. From what he can overhear, a couple of their members, regulars at that, are nowhere to be seen.

"Just where are those slackers?" he hears their captain bemoan. After a group huddle, some first-years are sent to search for the missing members, and the captain nods to Aoba Jousai's captain.

"Sorry about that. Shall we begin?" 

Aoba Jousai is the stronger team anyway, but without two of its regulars, Johzenji crumbles quickly. It's a little anticlimactic, so Oikawa's thoughts immediately turn to the rest of the day's agenda once it's over.

During a much-needed water break, he lingers with his team near the open gym doors in an attempt to catch as much of the breeze as possible. Some students in Johzenji's colors walk in, looking perturbed, and he remembers the missing students. Iwaizumi must have been thinking the same thing, because he asks if they've been found.

"No," one of Johzenji's students admits. "But those two skip a lot so I guess there's nothing we can do about it."

"That's so disrespectful," Oikawa hears Yahaba complain from behind him. Oikawa likes Yahaba, with his strong opinions he only seems to share when irritated. In this case, he has to concur, though he isn't too surprised. From what he's heard, the present Johzenji is nowhere near as uptight as its predecessors.

"Why don't we help look? Since we're still on break," Watari pipes up from beside Yahaba.

The Johzenji first-years try to convince them not to go to the trouble, but Oikawa cuts them off with his own agreement, and they're too intimidated by him to protest any further.

"I want to play against all of Johzenji, after all," he explains.

After getting permission from their coach for a brief search, they split up to comb the recreational center. Oikawa goes in a different direction from most of the others, who are looking through changing rooms and bathrooms. He remembers that part of the center has been closed off for renovations, making it the ideal place to skip.

He pushes open a heavy door marked by stern notifications for unauthorized personnel to turn back and wanders into a hallway. Only one door near the very end is cracked open. Suspicious, Oikawa walks soundlessly towards it, coming to a stop just close enough to peek inside. When he does, his eyes widen and he is grateful that he's too stunned to gasp.

The delinquent members of Johzenji's team are in fact inside. One of them is sitting casually on a table, legs crossed, face tilted up. The other is standing in front of him and running long fingers through his hair, murmuring things Oikawa can't quite catch. Then, the one on the table laughs and reaches up, taking the other's face in his hands and pulling him down so that their mouths meet.

Oikawa stares like he does when he's memorizing every combo in one of his recorded volleyball matches. But quicks and service aces and synchronized attacks make sense to him. This image refuses to rationalize itself in his brain. Still he stares, and listens too, because there are quiet little sounds, breathy gasps and hums of approval and then the one on the table is flat on his back and-

Oikawa turns on his heel and walks halfway back down the hall. He inhales slowly, exhales, and calls out, "Hellooo, is anyone here? We're looking for some guys from Johzenji!"

He hears a clatter of movement and a second later, the two stick their heads out of the room, looking sheepish and flushed.

"Sorry, man, didn't realize lunch was already over," one of them says, as though it isn't three in the afternoon.

"We're coming now," the other adds and Oikawa just nods before turning around and heading back to the gym, letting those he meets along the way know the search is over, all the while praying he can make it through the rest of the day's matches without what he just saw consuming all his attention.

Oikawa can't pretend he doesn't know what he's feeling. He's far too accustomed to jealousy for that. Jealousy towards Kageyama for improving twice as fast at volleyball with half the effort. Jealousy towards Ushijima for having no need to strategize when he can just break through all obstacles with sheer force. But there's no reason to feel such intense jealousy towards two guys he doesn't even know, that he just happened to catch kissing.

No reason he can accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've wanted to write a fic like this for a long time. Some of Oikawa's experiences and feelings will be based on what I went through during the slow, confusing process of figuring out I was gay. If homophobia is a trigger for you, please take caution while reading this fic.
> 
> Title comes from the song Jenny by the Studio Killers.


	2. Chapter 2

Oikawa opens his locker and sighs. It's always like this the first day of school after summer break, like his fans spent their vacation working up the nerve to confess. He pokes at the decent-sized stack of envelopes covering his things and his fingertip comes away sparkling with glitter.

Normally, he'd flip through the letters with glee, making a note of the mushier ones so he could shove them in Iwaizumi's face afterwards to show off just how adored he is. But right now, he doesn't want to deal with feelings, his own or anyone else's.

"I can't believe this. Did Oikawa just _sigh_ at the sight of a bunch of love letters?"

"Wonder what it'd be like to get bored of confessions. Alas, we must accept that we're mere mortals."

He whirls around to find Matsukawa and Hanamaki looking at him with raised brows, which especially makes the former appear shocked. "The proper way to greet me is 'good morning, my future captain!'" he informs them as he slides on the mask of indignant friend.

"Yeah, okay," Matsukawa says, unimpressed. "So how many'd you get this year?"

"What?"

"Love letters," Hanamaki puts in, "try to keep up."

"I don't see what business it is of yours," Oikawa says haughtily.

"That has literally never stopped you from bragging about them before." Matsukawa peers around him to look into his locker and curses under his breath. "Less than ten? I was rooting for you, Oikawa."

Oikawa usually has no trouble following their antics, but this time he doesn't bother trying. "What are you two talking about?" he asks, somewhat exasperated.

"Don't talk to me, traitor," Matsukawa says as he places a thousand yen bill in Hanamaki's waiting hand.

Oikawa blinks. "Wait, did you two bet on how many letters I would get today?"

"Yep. Thanks for playing," Hanamaki says, waving the bill at Oikawa before pocketing it.

"You two are ridiculous." He pouts, taking the letters and wedging them into his already stuffed bag.

"And you're in a bad mood," Matsukawa observes thoughtfully. "Fight with Iwaizumi?"

"Iwa-chan adores me, we never fight."

Their typically stoic expressions disappear as they laugh in unison.

"You two are bullies and I don't deserve this," Oikawa says as he slings the strap of his bag back over his shoulder. "I'll forgive you, Makki, since you were betting in my favor. But you better watch out the next time we have volleyball practice, Mattsun!" he threatens.

"Sounds terrifying."

He ignores their continued jabs until it's time to part for their separate classrooms. From the doorway, Oikawa can see Iwaizumi, who'd split up from him when they arrived at school to hurry here and finish his homework. He smiles, his mood instantly improving. It's the first year they've been in the same class since their first year of middle school, and no matter how many times Iwaizumi says he wishes he could get switched to a different class so he doesn't have to see Oikawa's face all day, Oikawa firmly believes the arrangement pleases him just as much.

He leans over Iwaizumi's back on the way to his own desk two rows over and whispers loudly, "Iwa-chan, you got that problem wrong."

Iwaizumi bolts upright, his head hitting Oikawa's chin and making him yelp and jump back. "That saves me the trouble of hitting you. And it's not wrong, you ass."

"It's good you're so confident," Oikawa says brightly, rubbing his sore chin. "I know math isn't your strong suit. Not that any subject is."

"I have enough time before the teacher gets here to kill you." He cracks his knuckles warningly.

"It's uncouth to always resort to violence, you know."

He ducks right as Iwaizumi swings his thick geometry textbook at him, laughing as it breezes over his head. Their classmates are more or less ignoring them; they'd gotten plenty of stares at the start of the year, but by now, everyone is used to Oikawa provoking Iwaizumi to the point of murderous intention first thing in the morning.

Their teacher strolls in then and Oikawa innocently takes his seat, pretending not to notice the glare Iwaizumi sends his way. The bell rings, attendance is called, and the morning classes pass by as Oikawa alternates taking notes and doodling his teammates in the margins of his notebook.

When it's lunchtime, Hanamaki and Matsukawa come to eat with them. They nudge four desks close together and sit in a rough circle. Oikawa makes sure to sit close enough to Iwaizumi to steal bits of his lunch that look appealing but not so close that he can't lean back and escape the retaliating slap that's sure to come when he does. He pulls his own bento from his bag and the letters he haphazardly crammed in earlier spill out as well, covering his desk in an array of pastels.

"Rubbing it in our faces now?" Hanamaki grumbles.

Oikawa smiles sweetly. "It's better to just go ahead and accept I'm more popular than the three of you put together could ever hope to be."

"Iwaizumi, hit him."

"He's not your attack dog!" Oikawa cries out, turning to see if Iwaizumi's going to follow through. However, he doesn't seem to have heard Hanamaki, instead looking down at Oikawa's desk. Oikawa follows his eyes and realizes it's one letter in particular he's focused on. The others notice as well.

Matsukawa picks up the envelope whose corner is marked by a heart filled in with purple ink and the name Ai written beside it in the same color. "Is this from Sasaki Ai from the softball team?"

"I guess," Oikawa says, not taking his eyes off Iwaizumi. He fakes a ponderous expression. "A name like that is probably a good sign, right? Maybe I'll accept her confession. What do you think, Iwa-chan?"

Iwaizumi's mouth tightens a bit before he answers. "I don't think it matters. You always get broken up with in a month, tops."

"You don't have to be so jealous," Oikawa says, drawing out the final word enough to earn a sharp pinch. He clutches his arm protectively to his chest. "So mean! I'm not gonna say yes to anyone, though. I don't have time right now."

It isn't a lie, though it's just a fraction of the truth. He sees the way Iwaizumi relaxes ever so slightly and his suspicions are confirmed. His best friend has a crush, albeit one who has a crush on him. Oikawa finds this repellant. It's been over a year since Iwaizumi last had a girlfriend, but Oikawa always hates it when he does. He doesn't like to share and no amount of Iwaizumi calling him out for being clingy or pointing out that Oikawa has girlfriends more often than he does ever makes him less irritated when Iwaizumi goes on a date instead of hanging out with him.

"This is why you can never keep a girlfriend," Iwaizumi snapped at him once. "You forget that dating someone means actually spending time with them, not just changing your Facebook status or whatever."

Oikawa pushes thoughts of old girlfriends away and sweeps all the letters back into his bag. They spend the rest of lunch talking about the upcoming tournament, already looming over them despite being months away.

Somehow, talk of technique turns into an increasingly bizzare list of ways they could injure the Shiratorizawa players. Iwaizumi shakes his head at them disapprovingly as they discuss whether the loudmouth redheaded blocker or the samurai lookalike should be first on their list of victims, though he seems to indulge the idea of luring Ushijima to a farmer's market and burying him under an avalanche of melons a bit more.

Afternoon classes pass by as Oikawa daydreams about winning an entire match against Shiratorizawa with service aces alone. He can picture Ushijima looking at him with awe and admitting, "I should've gone to Aoba Jousai." He's snickering under his breath when the final bell rings and the teacher dismisses them.

Since it's a Monday, there's no practice, and he and Iwaizumi walk home together. Oikawa had found a couple more letters in his locker to add to the rest and though they're mere slips of paper, his bag feels inordinately heavy.

"Iwa-chan, carry my stuff," he whines.

"Hell no."

"Then carry me." He leans his weight against Iwaizumi's shoulder and bats his eyelashes at him.

Iwaizumi shrugs him off. "God, you're so lazy when you're not at volleyball practice."

"I'm conserving my energy for important things," Oikawa says, fiddling with the strap of his bag.

"Like what?" he snorts.

Oikawa thinks for a moment and admits, "Volleyball."

Iwaizumi snorts again. "You should use some of that energy to improve your shitty personality."

"My personality is _dazzling_ , admit it."

"Which one?" Iwaizumi mutters, effectively shutting Oikawa up until they reach the intersection where they always part ways.

Oikawa waves. "Bye, Iwa-chan! Text me if you need me! And look both ways before you cross the street! If you get hit by a car, the car'll be damaged beyond repair!"

Iwaizumi's response is spiking an empty water bottle at his head as he walks off. Oikawa bends down to pick it up, complaining loudly about delinquents who litter as he does so, but Iwaizumi just raises a middle finger and keeps going.

The closer Oikawa gets to his house, the slower his steps become until he's practically trudging, like he's sinking further and further into quicksand until he's ready to give up and let it swallow him. His front door unlocks and opens easily, a mockery of his sluggish movements. He calls out an automatic greeting and his mother answers from the study. She tries to ask him about school, but Oikawa rattles off an excuse about getting a headstart on homework and heads upstairs to his bedroom.

He dumps the contents of his bag on his bed and collapses on his back next to the messy pile. Staring at the ceiling, he feels around for one of the letters and raises it in front of his face. He tears the envelope open and reads the neatly folded letter within.

_Dear Oikawa-kun,_

_I think I liked you from the moment you introduced yourself in class. I don't know anything about sports, but the way your eyes shined when you talked about volleyball made me want to know more._

The letter continues on as the girl, someone named Hana who he thinks sits in front of Iwaizumi, lists all the little moments that made her want to ask Oikawa out. _I think every day would be interesting with you, Oikawa-kun. Please let me be part of your life_ , she finishes with, and Oikawa tosses it back on the pile.

He picks up the next envelope and opens it, and repeats this until the letters have all been read. They blend together so that he can't remember which girl complimented his hair and which one said his voice is like _a song I'd never skip on shuffle_. There's no denying he likes having his ego so thoroughly stroked, and he tries to hold onto that feeling, the feeling of being so desired that girls cry because they can't have him.

And then he remembers that maybe boys cry because of that, too.

He lays on his bed with his eyes closed for awhile. Then, in a flurry of motion, he crosses his room and digs out the letter he hid in his desk before summer started. Before he can change his mind, he rips it open and scans its contents.

He hadn't known what to expect, but it isn't this. He can't find any significant difference between Takahashi's letter and the girls' letters. There's stuff about his volleyball skills and his appearance, a tentative wish to get to know him better, a phone number written in careful print. Oikawa lets his letter fall among the others, a sea of interchangeable confessions, and turns to his mirror.

His reflection looks guarded. Forcing a smile so wide it narrows his eyes, he says, "Sorry, Ai-chan, but I'm afraid I can't accept your feelings. You're so lovely, but next year I'm going to be captain of the volleyball team, and I have to devote my time to that."

He takes a deep breath and keeps talking. "Hana-chan, thank you for your sweet letter! It made me so happy, but unfortunately, I'm not interested in dating right now. Please don't take it personally, you're very beautiful."

Biting his lip, he continues. "Taka-chan-" He breaks off and tries again. "Takahashi-kun, I appreciate your letter, but I don't... I couldn't think of... You seem nice, but I'm not interested in..."

He can't seem to complete a single sentence of his hypothetical refusal. He makes a face at his reflection and steels himself.

"I'm sorry, Takahashi-kun, but I like girls."

He jerks the blanket off his bed, sending the letters scattering across the floor, and wraps himself up before curling up on his mattress. The mirror's still in his line of sight so he purposefully turns over and pulls the blanket over his head for good measure. In the darkness, he thinks of anything but how sour those final words tasted in his mouth.

-

Like so many of Oikawa's nightmares, this one begins with Kageyama.

It's a scene from his near-photographic memory of the day he and Iwaizumi watched Kitagawa Daiichi's game. Kageyama is by the net, arms stretched above his head, and the ball he just set is sailing in an arc behind him. It bounces once, twice, the hollow sound amplified by the lack of a rowdy crowd in Oikawa's dream world. Kageyama turns his head, disbelief etched into his features as he takes in the empty space around him. He looks at his teammates, and the dream changes.

They're in Aoba Jousai uniforms and now it's Oikawa on the court. They all have their backs turned to him so he can't see their faces, but he knows what their expressions look like. Disgusted. Disdainful.

He looks from his hands to the ball still rolling away. "What's going on?" he asks.

"Why are you just standing there?" he asks.

" _Why are you ignoring me_?" he asks.

They answer together in a cold monotone. "We're not playing with you anymore."

They say nothing more, but Oikawa can hear the reasoning anyway. It's because he got a confession from a boy and didn't laugh in his face. Because he saw two guys kissing and didn't find it gross.

"You're wrong," Oikawa says. "It's not like that. I'm not-"

But they're already gone.

-

Oikawa is halfway to school when he hears thudding footsteps behind him and out of instinct shields the back of his head. It doesn't protect him from a kick to his back, though. He gasps and stumbles forward.

"What was that for, Iwa-chan?" he demands once he regains his balance.

"For not telling me you were going to school without me," Iwaizumi says as he matches his pace to Oikawa's. Oikawa can tell from the way Iwaizumi's gaze linger on his face that he hadn't used nearly enough concealer on his undereye circles.

"I know directions are confusing for you, but I thought that as a high school student you could find your way to school yourself," he says, turning away from Iwaizumi's prying eyes.

"Shut up, asshole. Did you sleep last night?"

"Yes, Mom."

Iwaizumi tugs on his ear but barely puts any strength into it, which is how Oikawa knows he really does look like shit. They don't talk on the way to school or as they get dressed in the clubroom. Though Oikawa's glad Iwaizumi hasn't asked him what's wrong, he can't say the silence is much of an improvement, because it enables his tendency to overthink.

He ends up staring at Iwaizumi's back as he tugs on his shirt and puts his uniform into his locker. All at once it's like Oikawa's dreaming again, with Iwaizumi resolutely turned from him. It feels like a layer of ice is frosting him over, seeping deeper into his core until he shivers. _Look at me, look at me, look at me_ , he thinks and moves to pounce on Iwaizumi.

But Hanamaki gets to Iwaizumi first and starts talking about some baseball game that was on television last night. All the way to the gym the two discuss it enthusiastically, throwing around team and player names Oikawa has never bothered to learn because they aren't volleyball-related. Oikawa trails behind, running his hands up and down his arms because the friction is warming him more than the sunlight that no one else seems to think is cold.

When morning practice starts, Oikawa doesn't have time to dwell on anything but whatever drill the coaches are having them run, and he's grateful. This is something he can let consume him mind and body until there's nothing left of him but dedication and intensity. A sense of control.

Serve practice is especially invigorating today. He slams the ball down in the corner of the opposite court, almost kissing the line, and he feels okay again. He's Oikawa, and he knows what he wants, and he can make himself become whatever he needs to be.

Classes are boring in comparison, but afterschool practice takes his mind off everything again, so much so that he refuses to leave when it's over. The soundless motion of each ball he jump serves followed by the resounding thump of it hitting the court exactly where he aimed it is hypnotic.

Something slams into the back of his head as he reaches into the ball cart again. He cries out in surprise and turns to see Iwaizumi aiming another ball.

"Time to go, Shittykawa, clean up."

"I'm not ready," Oikawa says, picking up a ball. "You go on."

Iwaizumi narrows his eyes and Oikawa knows him well enough to know what he's thinking. He's trying to figure out what's triggered Oikawa's bad mood, why he suddenly feels the need to add hours to his solo practice time. He's probably going through his memory to the last time Oikawa saw Ushijima or spoke of Kageyama. But no matter how well Iwaizumi can read him, Oikawa knows he won't get close to the root of his current problem.

 _Not that it's a problem_ , he tells himself. _Because I won't be anyone I don't want to be._

Iwaizumi spins the ball in his hands and says, "If you start staying late every day, I'll break your knee before you get a chance to fuck it up again."

"Stop worrying so much, you'll get an ulcer. Wait, do you already have one? Is that why you always look like you're in pain? Iwa-chan, you should've said so!" he says with exaggerated concern.

Part of him is saying, _don't do this to Iwa-chan again, stop dragging him down with you_. But a bigger part of him is saying that it's none of Iwaizumi's business anyway and that he never asked for a babysitter.

Iwaizumi walks over to him, silent and slow, and Oikawa mourns for a moment about how Takeru's going to inherit all his volleyball stuff once Iwaizumi kills him even though he never properly takes care of his own equipment, and then Iwaizumi drops the ball into the cart. He looks Oikawa in the eye and says, "You're an idiot, but not as much of an idiot as you were in middle school. So tell me that you aren't going to stay here all night, and I'll go."

Oikawa fidgets under his steady gaze. It's not fair; he knows if he lies now, Iwaizumi will be able to tell, no matter how convincingly he does it. "I won't stay... longer than another hour."

"Another half hour."

He frowns. That isn't enough time, though he can admit to himself no amount would be enough, as desperate as he is to stay distracted. "Forty-five minutes."

"Another. Half. Hour."

" _Fine_." Oikawa grabs a ball and throws it up, fluidly moving into a serve. He can hear Iwaizumi shut the gym door before the ball hits the ground and he knows what's been left unspoken: Iwaizumi is trusting him.

He sets an alarm on his phone, and when it goes off, he only stays another ten minutes. Really, he thinks it's an impressive show of willpower.

The next evening plays out much the same way, as does the next. He promises Iwaizumi not to stay too long, but every time he stays a little longer than he did the day before. On Friday, he winces during practice whenever he lands on his feet, though he's able to hide his pain from everyone but Iwaizumi, who corners him after practice.

"Have you been staying later than you told me you would?" he asks angrily.

"Of course not. You're so paranoid," Oikawa says with a careless wave of his hand.

"So help me, Shittykawa, if you're lying to me..."

"You're awful, accusing your best friend of something like that." Oikawa feigns an expression like a puppy being promised a walk and ending up at the pound instead.

It doesn't work, since Iwaizumi's had practice seeing through Oikawa's bullshit since age six, but Iwaizumi relents. "...Okay, Oikawa. See you later."

He leaves and Oikawa bends over to massage his knee. He doesn't think he's been overworking himself that much. This is nothing compared to how late he stayed in middle school until Iwaizumi forced him off that path with a violently encouraging speech. Anyway, he figures, what's a hint of pain compared to the benefits? He gets better at volleyball and he doesn't have to think. It's win-win.

He doesn't bother setting an alarm on his phone that evening. By the time he's done, he can't catch his breath, and just gathering all the balls off the floor becomes a herculean task. He drags his feet to clubroom, freezing in place when he opens the door.

Iwaizumi is there, sprawled out on the floor with his homework spread in front of him. He looks up when he hears the door open and his eyes narrow under bunched eyebrows. "Half an hour, huh?" He gets to his feet and puts his hands on his hips, waiting for an explanation.

"I lost track of time," Oikawa mutters, closing the door behind him. If Iwaizumi wants to hit him, so be it. He barely has the energy to retort, let alone plead for mercy.

His shirt if halfway over his head when he hears Iwaizumi speak again. "I can't watch you do this to yourself again," he says, voice low and earnest.

Oikawa bunches his shirt in his hands and feels a pang of guilt. He ignores it and turns around with a heartless smile on. "Good thing the door's right there, then!"

Iwaizumi's eyes widen with more shock than ire. Oikawa knows he's being antagonistic and that Iwaizumi hasn't done anything wrong, but he can't bring himself to care. He hasn't been sleeping enough, hasn't been eating enough, and though the homework is piling up on his desk, he never lifts a pencil when he goes home at night. He just listens to music too loudly through headphones and spins a volleyball in his hands until he's tired enough to crash.

No matter how much he struggles to blame someone else for how he's feeling and even wonders if finding Takahashi and breaking his heart in the cruelest way he can think of would make him feel better, he keeps coming to the conclusion that this is something that existed in him long before Takahashi's letter pulled it close to the surface. The fact that he's yet to push it back down successfully has shortened his temper, so here he is, lashing out at the one person he can't bear to actually fight with.

Iwaizumi approaches him and slams his locker shut, likely to keep from directly snapping Oikawa's neck. "What the hell is your problem? You've been acting weird all week." He shakes his head. "No, even before then. At least since training camp."

"I'm not acting weird, I'm normal, everything's normal-"

"Stop lying to me, Oikawa!" He raises his voice, eyes flashing.

"Maybe I wouldn't have to if you'd mind your own damn business!" Oikawa shouts back. He's still breathing hard, more from anger now than exhaustion, and it's the only sound between them for awhile.

Iwaizumi steps back. When he speaks, his voice is strangely calm. "Fine. You're right. I'm not your mom. So work yourself to death for all I care."

He stuffs his homework into his bag, zipping it up with more force than necessary, and he doesn't look back when he leaves the clubroom, the door swinging wide open behind him. Oikawa walks over and flings it shut while he's close enough to hear.

He slides down with his back against the door as the silence of the clubroom wraps around him. Today when he feels the tears start hot and heavy, he doesn't suppress them. He lets them spill over his cheeks and splatter to the floor like salty raindrops. Holding his knees, he buries his face and cries until it feels like there's nothing left inside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to be quite this angsty but then I put my hands on the keyboard and it just happened. Someone please hug Oikawa.
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments so far!


	3. Chapter 3

Iwaizumi doesn't meet him at the intersection near their houses the next morning, not that Oikawa expects him to. That Saturday is the first time in a long time that Oikawa doesn't enjoy playing volleyball. Everything seems normal enough at practice, except Iwaizumi never looks at him when he calls for the toss and he doesn't high-five him after they pull off an impressive combo. They go through the motions without a hitch, but Oikawa feels like they aren't playing together at all.

While they're cleaning up after practice, Yahaba asks, "Is something wrong, Oikawa-san?"

Oikawa looks up from the volleyball he meant to pick up but instead spaced out and stared at for a solid minute. "No, why do you ask?"

"Your tosses seemed a little different today." Yahaba picks up the volleyball for him and throws it into the cart. "They were still amazing, of course."

Oikawa studies Yahaba, then pats his head like he would a pet. "You have such good eyes, Yahaba-chan! We're lucky to have someone so observant around." He walks off before Yahaba can follow up with his original question.

Across the gym he sees Iwaizumi working with Kindaichi to take the net down. He's been sneaking glances in his direction all practice, thinking he'll eventually catch Iwaizumi looking back at him, but as far as he can tell not once has Iwaizumi deigned to look at him. It makes him nauseous and he wants to cry all over again, but he doesn't dare let himself so much as frown when there are this many people around. Yahaba already suspects something, and Matsukawa and Hanamaki probably have an inkling, and that's bad enough.

When everyone starts to leave, he's torn over whether he should follow or stay. Extra practice time has been his escape all week and he doesn't want to give it up, but he also doesn't want to make Iwaizumi any angrier at him. In the end, he practices his serve for a few minutes before admitting his concentration is shot and going to get dressed.

Part of him wants to stay on principle, because he doesn't like being told what to do, and he knows that if this had been about volleyball in the first place, he would've kept practicing regardless of anyone trying to mother him. Volleyball has nothing to do with it, though.

The weekend stretches long and quiet, a stagnant river he feels like he's drowning in. There are no texts from Iwaizumi, no invitation to hang out or spend the night, no alert that Iwaizumi's at his front door with snacks from the convenience store, ready to do homework together. They've seen each other almost every day since they were children and it feels wrong to go even a short while without a single message.

As Oikawa lies curled up in bed, some Korean drama playing on his television set, he realizes that's he's royally fucked up this time, and slowly fear replaces all his lingering frustration.

Oikawa has never been one to see a problem and not try to fix it. He comes up with a plan to get Iwaizumi to forgive him, but he can't implement it until Tuesday. The thought of simply apologizing crosses his mind, but he stubbornly dismisses it. He reasons that Iwaizumi would rather see proof of contrition than hear it, but the truth is he doesn't want to swallow his pride and admit he was in the wrong.

It's lonely walking to and from school alone, but worse is lunchtime. Iwaizumi leaves the room with his lunch as soon as the bell rings and Oikawa's left at his desk, picking at his own meal. It's flavorless and he shoves it aside, picking up the novel he's reading for one of his classes so that no one tries to start a conversation with him. However, his blatant show of being busy is ignored when Hanamaki claims the seat next to him and clears his throat loudly.

He slides a bookmark between two pages and sets the novel aside. "Makki," he greets. "Where's Mattsun?"

"My right-hand man is studying for a test he forgot existed until three minutes ago. Where's _your_ right-hand man?" Hanamaki steals a bite from Oikawa's mostly untouched lunch as he waits for an answer.

"Iwa-chan forgot his lunch today so he went to buy something," Oikawa lies, pulling his lunch away from Hanamaki as though he has any intention of eating more of it.

"That's so weird," Hanamaki says. "Considering I saw him eating from what looked like his usual bento in the schoolyard with some guys from the track team."

Oikawa almost flinches. Iwaizumi's always been popular with other athletes, and various clubs have tried to recruit him away from volleyball on multiple occasions. Sometimes it hurts to think about how wide Iwaizumi's circle of friends is. It'd be so easy for him to find someone else willing to call him best friend.

Hanamaki is looking at him knowingly. "What'd you do?"

"What makes you think I did anything?" Oikawa asks.

"For starters, I've met you." He taps on his borrowed desk and sighs. "Go make up with him, whatever you did. No offense, but I don't want to deal with you moping all week. Okay, maybe a little offense."

Oikawa huffs. "Everyone on the team is such a busybody."

"Just looking out for you," he says, getting to his feet. After a pause, he adds, "Don't worry too much. This is Iwaizumi we're talking about and we all know you've got him wrapped around your little finger."

"I'm not worried," Oikawa grumbles, looking away and out the window. He hears Hanamaki leave but he keeps staring outside, wishing lunch would hurry up and end along with the rest of this miserable day.

Tuesday goes by at the same intolerably slow pace. He gets pointed looks from Hanamaki at practice but pretends not to notice. When he tosses to Iwaizumi, he puts extra effort into tailoring it perfectly to his preferences, hoping that maybe Iwaizumi will have to acknowledge him if he sees how hard Oikawa is trying for him. It doesn't work. By the end of practice, he's hardly tossing to Iwaizumi at all.

As soon as they're dismissed, Oikawa turns to leave. He makes sure he's in Iwaizumi's line of sight as he all but leads the way to the clubroom, thinking that if Iwaizumi realizes he's not doing what upset him in the first place, he won't have any reason not to let things go back to normal. So, once he's dressed, he follows Iwaizumi outside like nothing's changed and walks beside him in the direction of their homes.

Iwaizumi doesn't look at him or say a word the whole way. Oikawa's heart sinks and he can't find it in him to initiate a conversation. He doesn't know what he'd do if he spoke up only for Iwaizumi to refuse to answer him. At the very least, he thinks desperately, Iwaizumi hasn't told him to get lost.

At the intersection, the silence has become too stifling and Oikawa blurts out, "Meet you here tomorrow, Iwa-chan?"

More silence.

He tries to console himself on the way back to his house alone. It was just one day; Iwaizumi just needs to see more evidence that Oikawa's not out to reinjure his knee.

Every day that week, he leaves practice promptly when it's over and walks back with Iwaizumi. He also wakes up early enough in the morning to be waiting for Iwaizumi when he comes through and accompany him the rest of the way to school. Even so, Iwaizumi doesn't let up on the silent treatment, and Oikawa begins to panic.

Iwaizumi is an exceptionally patient person. Most people don't realize this because of his apparent short temper, but Oikawa knows him best, and he knows that they wouldn't have made it through a single week of friendship if not for Iwaizumi's patience with him. He's tread a dangerous line at several points, when he's almost provoked Iwaizumi too far, and now he's afraid he's crossed that line for good.

And if Iwaizumi gives up on him, that means there's no one who wouldn't.

When they reach the intersection late on Friday, Oikawa can't take it anymore. He grabs Iwaizumi's wrist to make him stop. "I'm sorry, Iwa-chan," he says, voice low with the effort of holding back tears. "I'm so sorry, please just look at me."

For a long pause, he thinks Iwaizumi's going to rip his wrist from Oikawa's grasp and walk away without looking back. But then Iwaizumi turns around and faces him. He doesn't look mad, only tired. He frowns, but it isn't his angry frown; it's the one that means he's having a hard time putting his thoughts into the right words.

He kicks at the sidewalk and sighs. "Me too. I shouldn't have said what I did." He shakes his head. "Are you done being an idiot or are you going to start up again the second you think we're good?"

"I won't. I mean it." He's so relieved to hear Iwaizumi speak directly to him for the first time in days. It's incredible how soothing he finds that rough, gravelly voice.

Iwaizumi looks in his eyes for a moment before nodding, satisfied with whatever he sees. "Okay. I believe you. You know that I can always figure out when you're lying, though, so why do you keep doing it?"

"I'm an optimist," Oikawa shrugs.

"Bullshit."

They give each other small smiles, the familiar sound of banter smoothing the bond that had become stiff and twisted.

Iwaizumi sobers up and asks another question. "Are you gonna tell me what happened?"

Oikawa looks away, training his attention on a flickering streetlight as he answers. "It's nothing." Then he remembers what Iwaizumi just said about him lying and amends his statement. "Nothing important, anyway. I'll be okay soon."

Iwaizumi flicks his forehead and Oikawa is hit by how much he'd missed the other's physical admonishments rather than actual pain. It's somewhat embarrassing.

He says, "If it's bothering you this much, it's important. I'll listen if you want to talk about it."

"I know, Iwa-chan." And he does, he knows that Iwaizumi might give him a hard time but he'll always listen if Oikawa wants to have a serious conversation. But he also knows that he never, ever, _ever_ wants Iwaizumi to find out about the doubts not even sleep lets him escape from.

Iwaizumi starts walking again. "So long as you know. Wanna come over?"

Oikawa brightens up. "Sure! You missed me, didn't you," he teases.

"Forget it. Go home."

"I am," Oikawa says. "Iwa-chan's home is my home too." He's been there so many thousands of times, it's not inaccurate.

"Idiot." Iwaizumi doesn't look back when he says it, but Oikawa knows that today it's because he's expecting Oikawa to follow, not because he doesn't want him to.

Later, when they're stretched out on Iwaizumi's bed watching random vines and discussing which of their teammates are most like the people in them (Hanamaki and Matsukawa are tied at five each), Oikawa notes that things aren't quite back to how they should be. There are awkward lulls in their conversation that would've seemed natural if they hadn't just been fighting, and Oikawa isn't sure if it's okay for him to cross his feet over Iwaizumi's ankles as he tends to do when they watch videos like this. He figures it'll blow over in no time, bolstered by the resilience that comes from being childhood friends.

Unless he makes another mistake, that is.

He's never hid a big secret from Iwaizumi before. Hell, he's never _had_ one this big to hide. Either way this goes, Oikawa knows he loses. Either Iwaizumi gets pissed at him for hiding something important, or because of what he's hiding.

Above all else, Oikawa doesn't want to be someone Iwaizumi doesn't want to be around.

There's a knock at Iwaizumi's bedroom door and his mother opens it to bid them goodnight and warn them not to stay up too late. As is her habit, she tells Oikawa to say if he needs anything and half-jokingly tells her son he should take the guest futon instead.

"The floor's good enough for him," Iwaizumi grunts. She scolds him lightly, but has long since accepted that the two of them can't seem to say anything nice about the other.

"I'll see you two in the morning for breakfast," she tells them before closing the door.

Oikawa smirks at Iwaizumi. "I agree with her. You should let me have your bed."

Iwaizumi kicks him onto the floor.

He makes up the futon and crawls under the blanket, a white one with faded gray flowers that's been in Iwaizumi's closet as long as he can remember. Iwaizumi turns out the light and gets back in his bed, laying down on his stomach how he always likes to sleep. He's out within minutes and Oikawa would be envious if he wasn't so used to it. Iwaizumi can drink three cups of coffee and go to sleep right after, but Oikawa can't fall asleep without tossing and turning even after an exhausting day of volleyball matches. He takes it as another sign that the universe is not especially fond of him.

The quiet magnifies his worries. The past week was unbearable and now he can't help but imagine what it would be like to spend a month with Iwaizumi ignoring him. Six months, a year. He imagines a life where Iwaizumi is out there somewhere but he's not friends with Oikawa anymore. He has someone else who gets the bulk of his texts, someone else he dedicates his free time to.

Iwaizumi is both Oikawa's anchor and his wings, depending on which he needs most. There's no one who could take his place. Again, Oikawa wonders if Iwaizumi feels the same. Maybe he wouldn't replace Oikawa as his best friend, but... He thinks of the way Iwaizumi eyed his letter from Ai enviously.

As he's drifting off at last, sinking into the futon as his muscles reluctantly relax, he comes up with a simple solution to both his problems, and he makes a mental note to dig up Ai's phone number when he goes home.

-

Oikawa can tell right away why Iwaizumi's crush is on this girl. She looks athletic from head to toe and her hair is cut short and straight. Looking back, Oikawa remembers Iwaizumi's previous girlfriends having similar hairstyles. _So this is his type_ , he muses as he watches Ai walk up to him confidently.

He doesn't know much about her, really. He knows she's on the softball team and he thinks she might be a pitcher. When she reaches him, Oikawa discovers that she's tall. He doesn't have to look down as much as when he's talking to his usual flock of fangirls.

"So, you're finally getting back to me about that letter," she says with a grin. "I was sort of hoping you'd forgotten. It was so embarrassing to write..." Despite her words, she doesn't look abashed in the slightest.

"I wouldn't forget something like that," Oikawa says in the benevolent voice he automatically adopts around his admirers.

"I wouldn't have blamed you if you had," she shrugs. "I knew it was a long shot, since girls are always burying you in confessions. But I didn't want to give up without trying. You're so incredible at volleyball, Oikawa-kun. You make me want to try harder at my own sport. And on top of that, you get good grades and have lots of friends. You stand out, but in a good way." While she talks, she looks him straight in the eye, and Oikawa finds himself weighted down by her forwardness.

"I think your letter mentioned that, yes," he answers. He knows it did, in fact, because he read it over three more times before coming to where he'd agreed to meet her behind the gym. The last thing he needs is to slip up and mention something from another one of the letters.

"Sorry, guess that was repetitive." She cocks her head to the side and looks at him thoughtfully. "So? Is this an acceptance or a rejection?"

He smiles at her. "Would you like to be my girlfriend, Ai-chan?"

Her eyes widen almost imperceptibly, and though Oikawa doesn't think her confidence is a show like his typically is, he can tell she felt more strongly about what his answer might've been than her blunt question made it appear.

_Do other people know how easy they are to read?_

"I would like that a lot, Oikawa-kun. Or... can I call you Tooru-kun?" she asks, grinning again.

"Of course," he agrees. It's fair enough.

They talk for another minute or two and Ai-chan gets his phone number, promising to text him later to arrange their first date. Oikawa decides he has to text her first, so that he'll control the initiative in their relationship.

 _Relationship_. The word is like a needle poking his chest, leaving ice-cold pinpricks behind.

He meets up with the other second-years on his way to the clubroom, taking care not to walk too close to Iwaizumi. He doesn't want to think about what a nasty thing he's done to his best friend, who has no idea anyone even knows about his crush.

Hanamaki nods in the opposite direction and says, "I saw one of your would-be suitors heading away from here. Tell me, how did you reject her without making her cry?"

"Well, that would be impossible," Oikawa says as they reach their lockers in the clubroom. "Anyone who lost a chance with me would cry."

Matsukawa looks up from where's he kneeling by his bag and asks, "Wait, are you saying you accepted?"

"That's right," Oikawa smiles. Then he looks at them sharply. "Me doing that wasn't part of another bet, was it?"

"Nah, not this time," Hanamaki says. "Don't worry, though, we'll find a way to make money off you again in the future."

"Nice wording," says Matsukawa. "Are we prostituting him out?"

Oikawa tunes them out, since any protests he makes will only fuel their teasing. He turns to see Iwaizumi looking at him shrewdly.

"You really have a girlfriend again?" he asks.

"Jealous, Iwa-chan?"

"Just surprised," Iwaizumi shrugs, tugging his shirt up. "You didn't sound interested a week ago."

"Things change," he says vaguely. "And Ai-chan made a very convincing case for herself."

Iwaizumi freezes with his shirt halfway over his head. It would be comical if Oikawa couldn't picture the hurt look that must've been on his face. Whatever expression he made, it's gone by the time he pulls the shirt the rest of the way off and whips it at Oikawa. "Don't be an ass to your girlfriend this time. If you come crying to me about being broken up with in two weeks, I'll hit you."

Oikawa hates this, being reminded yet again of how much better a person Iwaizumi is than him. He's trying to be supportive despite the fact that Oikawa's dating the girl he likes. He almost wants to call Ai up and say he changed his mind, but he knows it's too late for that. And anyway, he needs this. Dating Ai is going to change things. He's sure of it.

"Don't worry about that," he says. "I have a feeling this time, it's going to last."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I based Iwaizumi's type on my own and I have no regrets.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm going to kill you for this," Iwaizumi says, and Oikawa momentarily regrets his decision to bring him to a place where there are so many bats in the vicinity, considering he's looking at Oikawa's head like it's a baseball begging to be hit. "I'm literally going to murder you."

"Now, now, don't you think that's an overreaction?" Oikawa says, holding his hands up placatingly.

"You brought me on your fucking _date_ , Shittykawa."

"Not technically," he insists. "This is a softball game open to the public. Just because Ai-chan invited me doesn't mean you can't sit in the stands with me."

He looks over to where Ai is straightening up from a stretch and she waves when she notices him. He waves back and blows her a kiss. Iwaizumi looks from Ai back to Oikawa with a stormy expression.

"You have three seconds to explain why you thought this was a good idea."

"What do you mean, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa asks, feigning hurt. "What's wrong with wanting the support of my best friend, someone I've cherished and who has cherished me since that fateful day in the park when you told me my alien bandaid was cool-"

"We met at school, you dumbass. And who said anything about _cherishing_ you?" He adjusts his bag's straps and turns to go. "I'm out. Have fun watching a sport you know nothing about."

"I can't help it that nothing's as interesting as volleyball," Oikawa whines. "All I really need to know is to cheer when Ai-chan strikes someone out, right? Come on, stay." He pulls on Iwaizumi's sleeve, trying to get him to go over to the stands. "You like softball anyway. You like every sport."

Oikawa's gone on lots of dates, so it isn't like he's nervous. It just makes perfect sense that he wouldn't want to sit all alone and bored, he thinks. Since Ai-chan will be on the field the whole time, he can't see how it's a problem.

"This is stupid," Iwaizumi complains, but he moves past Oikawa to claim a seat. Relief washes over Oikawa as he joins Iwaizumi. He knows this runs counter to why he accepted Ai's confession in the first place, but he'll deal with that later, when he actually has to be alone with Ai.

When the game starts, Oikawa ends up getting into it more than he expects to. Despite Iwaizumi's jab, he knows the gist of how to play, so he entertains himself by trying to figure out each team's strategies and what strengths and weaknesses the players have, starting with Ai.

Her pitches are brutally fast and she gives nothing away about what kind of pitch she'll throw until the ball's left her fingertips. When the ball soars over home plate, right by the batter and into the catcher's hands, she allows herself a tiny grin before refocusing for the next pitch. Whenever several players in a row hit her best pitches, though, she starts to falter.

But softball isn't nearly as fast-paced as volleyball, and Oikawa grows restless sitting in the stands once he's finished scrutinizing all the players and guessing that Seijou will just barely lose. He looks over at Iwaizumi, who raises an eyebrow at him.

"Are you done putting them all under your microscope?" he asks.

"That's right," says Oikawa. "My Ai-chan is something else, isn't she? As long as she doesn't lose her concentration."

Iwaizumi snorts. "Your Ai-chan," he echoes. "You've been dating for three days."

"And I'm sure she already thinks of me as her Tooru-kun," Oikawa replies.

Iwaizumi mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like "that poor girl." Oikawa generously ignores him.

True to his prediction, Ai's team loses by one point. The other spectators get up to go, but he stays put, knowing Ai will need to speak with her team before meeting up with him. Iwaizumi stands and stretches, still looking out at the field.

"You like softball a lot, huh," Oikawa says. "You were cheering along with everyone else whenever Ai-chan's team scored a point."

"You should've been cheering, too. She's _yours_ , remember?" he frowns.

"She wouldn't have been able to hear whether I was cheering or not," Oikawa says dismissively.

"Whatever." Iwaizumi zips up his coat to guard against the evening chill. "At least cheer her up if she's feeling down."

"Don't worry about that, Iwa-chan, I always know what to say in situations like these."

"Yeah, but try to actually mean what you say."

"You're such a bully." Oikawa hops out of his seat and heads towards the group of players in familiar turquoise and white. "Later, Iwa-chan!"

The crowd is thicker here so he can't hear if Iwaizumi answers him. He doesn't have to try hard to find Ai, because she spots him first, his height making him easy to pick out from among the others.

"Hey, Tooru-kun," she says, smiling wistfully. "We were so close, huh?"

"You did great," he assures her, brushing her short hair behind one ear. "And next time you can do even better."

She sighs. "I really wanted to win in front of you, though."

"You impressed me, though," he says, and it's one of the few honest things he's said to her. "You held the team together when the others were losing hope. The point gap would've been much wider without you."

She looks surprised. "You think so?"

Oikawa remembers how Ai would put her arm around a teammate who'd fumbled a catch and say something quiet to her, and how she high-fived everyone for their small victories. In a way, it reminds him of how Iwaizumi supports the volleyball team, and at least because of that, he has to commend her.

 _I chose well_ , he thinks, but it's an objective evaluation. He still feels nothing for Ai, but it's only been a few days. He isn't going to give up yet.

"Why don't we go grab something to eat?" he suggests. "My treat."

Her eyes light up. "Just let me shower and get changed, okay?"

"Sure thing."

She hurries away, the breeze playing with strands of her hair and the last rays of sun making her tan skin shimmer. He wonders why he can't just call her cute.

-

The spring nationals qualifying tournament steadily approaches, and Oikawa discovers one of the perks of dating another serious athlete. Ai doesn't pester him for dates, knowing the upcoming games mean everything to him and that every spare moment he has will be dedicated to volleyball. She watches him practice sometimes, but other than wishing him luck- causing his teammates to tease him mercilessly- she doesn't seek his attention.

She's there too on the day they breeze through the first few rounds and the day that Shiratorizawa knocks the crowns from their heads as usual. Oikawa feels bitterness swelling within him as Ushijima gives him a disappointed yet unsurprised look, forever judging him for wearing a turquoise uniform rather than a maroon one. Iwaizumi pulls him away, out of Ushijima's line of sight, right before his first tears emerge.

"One more year," Oikawa whispers. "We only have one more year to defeat stupid Ushiwaka-chan."

"And we will," Iwaizumi says firmly, as though his own eyes aren't rimmed by tears. "We're going to be stronger than ever and we'll make him look up at us."

Oikawa wants to feel as confident as Iwaizumi sounds. He knows their team is good. He knows he's able to amplify their strengths. But no matter how good they are, Shiratorizawa is always better. What he hates most about them, aside from Ushijima's very existence, is that their setter doesn't show much flexibility or strategy. He just sends it Ushijima's way the majority of the time and the ace takes care of the rest. Oikawa shudders to think that Ushijima wanted, apparently still wants, Oikawa to attend the same school as him and give him impersonal tosses like that.

"I have to beat him," Oikawa says. "We all have to. I have to show him that his way of playing volleyball is lacking so much."

They bow to their cheering squad and leave the court. Ai appears before him almost immediately and Oikawa's glad he has an excuse not to smile when she does. "Ai-chan, sorry. We couldn't show you a win."

"But you did so good, Tooru-kun," she tells him. "Like when you did a dump shot that landed right in front of their ace. You should've seen the look on Shiratoriza's fans' faces."

He almost answers with "anything to shut them up" before remembering that Ai thinks he's a nice person. He just thanks her and says, "I have to go. We're going to eat with the third-years, since this was their last game."

"I understand. Call me later!" Ai waves at him, and he rejoins his teammates for a somber lunch.

They have a couple of days off to recover post-tournament, and at their next practice, the third-years retire. Oikawa listens to them reflect on the growth of the team, but the whole time he's also thinking about how it's going to continue to grow in the future. He wonders what sort of first-years they'll have next year, if there will be any genius on Kageyama's level coming to them.

He doesn't let himself dwell on the possibility of Kageyama himself coming to Seijou, though for one horrifying moment he thinks of a Shiratorizawa with both Ushijima and Kageyama. What saves him from that mental image is noticing everyone's eyes turn to him as their coach prepares to announce their next captain.

"I am proud of each and every one of you," he says. "I want to see you take our school further than it has ever gone before. To that end, after discussion with the current captain, I have decided that the next captain will be..."

Matsukawa, Hanamaki, and Iwaizumi put their hands on Oikawa's back and shove him forward right as the coach smiles at him and finishes his sentence: "...Oikawa."

It's what he's been expecting and looking forward to all year, but having it actually happen isn't comparable to his imagination at all. This is what he's been trying to make himself worthy of, and now he's been granted the privilege of leadership.

Smiling widely and genuinely, the disappointment of defeat fades, replaced by intense determination. He speaks to his teammates as their captain and at the end of his short speech, he tells them for the first of many times, "I believe in all of you."

Moments later, Iwaizumi stands by his side as the new vice-captain, and nothing has ever felt more right.

-

Oikawa and Iwaizumi wander around the city on a rare lazy Sunday, enjoying one of the final days before winter comes in earnest. It's still cold enough that children run past them on the sidewalk breathing out bursts of white air and pretending to be dragons.

Oikawa smiles as they go by. "You used to do that all the time when we were little, Iwa-chan. Except you called yourself Godzilla, which didn't really make sense."

"I was seven," Iwaizumi grumbles. "And you were way weirder. You had that alien obsession and kept asking your mom if you'd ever been abducted. And she thought you meant adopted and kept assuring you that you hadn't, which just made you upset."

Oikawa laughs, remembering how bewildered his mother had been at his behavior. "Well, it's partially your fault, because you gave me that alien movie for my birthday. That started it all."

"I immediately regretted it. You made me watch it so many times and it sucked." Iwaizumi grimaces at the memory.

"Like the Godzilla knock-offs you made me watch were any better," Oikawa retorts, then gets distracted by the buzzing of his phone. He pulls it out of his pocket and sees Ai's name flash across the screen. Since Iwaizumi's watching, he makes sure he's smiling as he accepts the call.

"Hello, Ai-chan! What's up?"

"Nothing much. Wanna hang out today?" Her voice comes through the phone as clear and strong as it is in person.

"Sorry, I already have plans today," he says as regretfully as he can manage. "What about tomorrow?"

"Works for me. I have an idea, so meet me at the park, okay? The one near school."

"I'll be there." He doesn't know what she's thinking, but it saves him the trouble of coming up with a date, so he doesn't mind.

"I'm looking forward to it, Tooru-kun."

"Me too. I can't wait to see you again."

He hangs up, wondering if that was laying it on a little too thick. He feels Iwaizumi's eyes on him, so as he puts his phone away, he says, "Sorry about that, were you-"

"You should try being yourself with her."

Oikawa blinks, surprised, but he doesn't bother disputing the implied accusation. He smiles in a way that's more obviously hollow this time. "Well, that's out of the question, isn't it? Didn't you tell me I shouldn't make her break up with me right away?"

"Oikawa..." Iwaizumi has that look again that means he has something important to say, but Oikawa's phone buzzes again and he gratefully takes it back out of his pocket.

He pauses when he looks at the screen. It's not a follow-up text from Ai, as he thought, but instead is from Matsukawa. He opens it up and reads aloud, "'Allergy hell on Third Street.' What's that supposed to mean?"

"What?" Iwaizumi reads over the text. "Must be a really bad auto-correct."

Oikawa texts him back a row of question marks. Two seconds later, his phone buzzes again. It's Hanamaki this time, but his text is identical to Matsukawa's.

"Is this a code?" Oikawa furrows his brow as he looks at the texts again.

"They're just messing with you."

"Let's go to Third Street anyway," Oikawa says. "Maybe they're there."

"That's in the opposite direction," Iwaizumi argues. "Let's just go eat."

"We can eat later!"

Iwaizumi flicks his forehead. "You know they only tease you like this because you make it so easy, right? Ignore them."

"But I'm curious!" He pulls Iwaizumi in the direction he wants to go. Iwaizumi's probably right, but Oikawa figures that at the very least, their friends are probably wherever the text is supposed to lead, and then they can all eat together.

Iwaizumi lets himself be pulled along. "If I go, you're paying for my food later."

"But I have a girlfriend to think about! How much money do you guys think I have?" Oikawa complains.

He digs his heels in at that. "Then we're eating now?"

Oikawa scowls at him. "Fine, I'll treat you, so hurry up!"

They aren't far away, so they reach Third Street relatively quickly. Oikawa roams up and down the sidewalk, looking for Hanamaki and Matsukawa. Iwaizumi stands in one spot, tapping his foot impatiently, until he says, "Hey, look over there."

"Do you see them?" Oikawa cranes his neck to see what Iwaizumi's pointing at. There's no sign of their friends, just a tiny pet store with napping kittens in the window next to a flower shop with bouquets piled on a stand in front.

Iwaizumi starts walking their way. "Allergy hell."

"Oh my god, you're right." As if on cue, Oikawa's phone buzzes. He swipes the screen to read Matsukawa's new text. "'Through the canyon to a cave.' So what does this one mean?"

A quick look around shows Oikawa the probable meaning of the first half of the text. Right beside the flower shop is the opening to an extremely narrow street. The buildings along it tower high, forming walls of glass windows and clothes hanging from balconies to dry. "I guess this is the canyon. Let's go!"

"I can't believe we're doing this," Iwaizumi says, but he doesn't sound all that annoyed. He follows Oikawa down the street as Oikawa looks left and right for anything that could be called a cave.

The street ends on a desolate side road by the river. The water is shallow and muddy, flowing under a bridge with a faint gushing sound. Oikawa zeroes in on the bridge and how the space below it is dark and damp. "That's the cave."

"That's kind of a stretch. Are you sure?" Iwaizumi looks around for another potential cave.

"It has to be." Oikawa texts Matsukawa and Hanamaki: _found the cave!! now where??_

They text him back almost simultaneously: _follow the sun to where fortunes are made and lost_

Iwaizumi leans over his shoulder and reads the text too. He's as focused on figuring out the clues now as Oikawa is, despite how reluctant he was at first. "That way's west and the sun is starting to set, so..."

"Exactly what I was thinking."

They set off side by side, walking along the riverbank. The occasional cyclist passes them, but for the most part, it feels like they're alone in the city. The hum of cars can be heard when they don't speak, but it sounds far away.

"I don't think I've ever been to this part of the river," Oikawa murmurs.

"Yeah. I think it's connected to where our families always go cherry blossom viewing, though."

Oikawa remembers how happy he was when his mother and Iwaizumi's mother became friends just like their sons. Every year they make plans together as soon as they hear the predicted blooming schedule, and though Oikawa feels like he's getting too old to go cherry blossom viewing with his family, he doesn't mind it as long as Iwaizumi's there.

A sudden frigid wind slashes across his skin and he shivers. "I wish it was spring right now," he says mournfully.

"I wish you weren't shit at dressing appropriately for the weather," Iwaizumi replies, eyeing his thin jacket.

"Well, you know. Fashion above all else," Oikawa says, though really he just hadn't paid attention to the forecast.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be sure to remind you of that when you catch a cold."

"Iwa-chan, are you my-"

The end of Oikawa's sentence is muffled by the scarf Iwaizumi shoves in his face. "Put this on, Idiotkawa. Sorry if it's not _fashionable_."

"It's really not." Oikawa examines the plaid design in boring, muted colors with disdain. Iwaizumi glares at him and he decides to put it on anyway before he gets strangled with it instead.

A few minutes later, the sounds of the city pick up again. Flashing lights and gaudy cartoon drawings decorate the outside of a multistory building their eyes are drawn to. "Pachinko," they say together.

Oikawa pulls out his phone to ask for another clue, but one arrives before he has time to type: _final clue, go left until you see your favorite then cross the street_

"My favorite what?" Oikawa wonders.

"One way to find out."

They aren't far down the street when Oikawa sees- or rather smells- the bakery. He breathes in deeply and swears he can pick out the scent of milk bread from all the rest. "Found it," he grins. He moves towards the bakery, but Iwaizumi steers him towards the crosswalk.

"Come on, we're finishing up this weird scavenger hunt so we can eat real food."

"You say that as though milk bread is not the most vital category of food," Oikawa says, appalled. Iwaizumi ignores him and they cross the street together when the pedestrian light turns green.

Right across from the bakery is a small restaurant Oikawa thinks he might've been to once long ago. "This is going to be awkward if they aren't here after all that," he says, pushing open the door.

"I wouldn't put it past them." Iwaizumi steps in behind him. In the back of the restaurant, half-hidden by a pillar and some potted plants, a flash of pink hair is visible. They walk back there to find their friends and something far more unexpected.

When Oikawa is able to avert his eyes from the absurdity that is Matsukawa and Hanamaki wearing homemade birthday hats, he sees the cake sitting between them. It's huge and round, thickly coated with vanilla icing, and written in bright blue gel atop it are the words "CONGRATULATIONS OIKAWA" next to an exuberantly cheering emoji that Oikawa recognizes as the one he overuses the most. In tiny letters below that, like an afterthought, "also Iwaizumi" is written.

He looks from Hanamaki to Matsukawa to the cake to Iwaizumi, who looks just as shocked, and then he starts to cry.

It's just a few tears, but he rubs his eyes furiously to make them disappear. It makes no sense for him to be crying, after all. This might be the happiest he's felt in months, but when he realizes that, even more tears spring to his eyes.

Iwaizumi asks, "What the hell, why didn't I know about this?"

"Your name's on the cake too," Matsukawa points out.

"Yeah, but..."

"Anyway, Oikawa would've read it on your face with that weird telepathy thing you two have and then the surprise would've been ruined," Matsukawa says. "And we knew you'd be with him anyway."

"We don't have something like that," Iwaizumi protests.

Oikawa is too overcome with emotion to argue the point with Iwaizumi. "You guys, you-"

_Click._

He breaks off at the sound of a shutter and a bright flash, his eyes widening. Matsukawa's holding his phone up and Hanamaki leans over the table to look at the screen. "Oh, that's a nice one," he nods. "Really captured Oikawa's red face."

"What do you think, should I slap a few filters on it to be nice or upload it as is?" Matsukawa asks.

"Don't you _dare_!" Oikawa lunges towards them, but Iwaizumi grabs him in a hold from behind so that he can't quite reach Matsukawa's phone. "Let go of me, you traitor!" he wails, struggling in his grip.

"I say as is," Iwaizumi answers Matsukawa, as though Oikawa hasn't spoken.

"Caption it 'the face of a champion,'" Hanamaki says.

"There we go, it's on Twitter now, gracing the feeds of my two-thousand followers."

"You do _not_ have that many followers." Future ace or not, Oikawa suddenly wishes Iwaizumi wasn't so damn strong. "They're probably all Makki with different account names!"

"Only maybe fifty," Hanamaki says.

"Does anyone know if his girlfriend has a twitter?" Matsukawa asks calmly. "She needs to know the truth about him."

"Iwa-chan, they're ruining my life," Oikawa begs.

Iwaizumi just grins at him and doesn't loosen his hold at all. "Sorry, Captain."

Oikawa is surely mistaken, but for one moment, it almost feels like his heart flutters. He gives up and sags in Iwaizumi's arms. "I am never talking to any of you again."

His threat is met with a chorus of "oh, thank god," and he glares at them half-heartedly. "If this is your idea of doing something nice for someone, it's no wonder you're all single!"

"Shut up and have some cake." Iwaizumi finally releases him and Oikawa catches his balance just in time to keep himself from stumbling forward.

He pouts as he takes a seat, pulling out his phone to check Twitter and see what damage control needs to be done. However, there isn't a new post from either Matsukawa or Hanamaki. He sighs and puts his head in his hands. "Why do I keep believing everything you two say?"

"That's our Oikawa," Hanamaki says, patting him on the shoulder.

"But I do have the picture saved for future blackmailing purposes." Matsukawa puts his phone away and Oikawa vows to steal it and delete the photo the first chance he gets.

"Enough talking, let's have cake," Iwaizumi says, taking the seat next to Oikawa.

Oikawa turns back to the cake and has to smile again. On this afternoon, it feels like everything he's been fighting with has disappeared, and all the matters is that his teammates are always by his side.

He can almost believe that things will never change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Optional title for this chapter: I can't believe it's not angst!™ I hope you all enjoyed the brief reprieve.
> 
> Now for a confession. I wrote this entire chapter before remembering that Iwaizumi is Seijou's vice-captain. So really, his name being on the cake in small letters is more meta than anything.
> 
> I want to thank everyone who has commented or left kudos so far! I don't always know what to reply to comments with, but I love all of them. Reading them is my favorite part of posting a new chapter. This fic has a long way to go, so I hope you're all ready.


	5. Chapter 5

Oikawa's aware that it isn't proper date etiquette to show up surrounded by girls, but Cupid is particularly persistent about following him around that day, judging by how every time he shakes off one group of blushing girls, he runs into another. The park he agreed to meet Ai at is in a central location, and at midday the streets around it and the area itself are packed. Currently, it's a couple of girls in Datekou uniforms that have him cornered by the water fountains.

"Oh no, that picture came out blurry," one of them frets. "Can I please take another?"

"Of course," Oikawa says, throwing a peace sign as she holds the phone out at arm's length to capture both of them in the frame. This picture satisfies her and she thanks him profusely, something Oikawa always finds weird. All he does is smile and pose for a second or two, yet it somehow makes his admirers' days. He never acts towards them in any way but how they clearly picture him in their ideal fantasies, though, so he can't blame them for running with their assumptions.

The other girl holds up her own phone hopefully and Oikawa notes the time on it. He's five minutes late for his date with Ai, though he'd left the house early enough to make it and have time to collect his thoughts. He wishes he'd taken a more roundabout route.

"One more picture and then I absolutely must go," Oikawa says with a regretful smile. The girl nods quickly and snaps a picture of the two of them. She and her friend walk off, comparing pictures and whispering excitedly to each other.

Oikawa walks briskly to the far edge of the park, where a couple of nets are set up. Ai's already there, tossing a ball up in the air and catching it. A volleyball. When she catches it again, she sees him and waves. "Hey, Tooru-kun! You made it."

"Sorry I'm late. The walk took longer than I expected." He goes over to her and she hands the ball to him as though he'd asked for it.

"Don't sweat it. So, you can tell my idea now, right?" she says, motioning to the ball. "I'm pretty much warmed up, if you wanna go ahead and do some stretches. I'll wait."

He cradles the ball against his elbow and puts his hand on his hip. "Have you ever played volleyball before?" For all he knows about Ai still, she could be another natural athlete like Iwaizumi.

"Not really, just in gym class. But I know it's your favorite thing and I want to be your favorite person. You should able to do your favorite thing with your favorite person." She speaks as honestly and forwardly as ever.

It doesn't take Oikawa long to agree to play. There are far worse ways he can think of to spend a date than teaching someone the basics of volleyball. This isn't the first time a girl's asked this of him, but they never seem that interested in the sport. He suspects it will be different with Ai.

As she knows most of the rules from watching Seijou's games, they go right into the basics, from serving to spiking to receiving, and naturally he shows her what setting's like as well.

"Let me try to set for you," she says. Oikawa nods, tossing the ball above her and then running to the net. She tries to get the toss to him, but it's off, and he lands after swinging at nothing.

"Damn, too high." She runs off after the ball and throws it back to him. "Mind if I try again?"

There's determination burning in her eyes, and he can hardly say no to that. So they try it a few more times until she gets it right, and then they high-five like they're teammates, not a couple. Thinking of it that way takes some of the pressure off Oikawa, and he relaxes more as they take turns spiking and receiving.

After awhile they take a break, sitting on the grass near the net with water bottles in hand. "This is fun," Ai says. "It's different than softball and I can't seem to get the ball to go where I want, but it's fun to try." She picks the ball up and looks it over, like she's trying to figure out its secrets.

"Volleyball is the most fun," Oikawa affirms with a smile. "You're doing well for a beginner."

"Come on, Tooru-kun, give it to me straight. I know I'm years behind being any good to play with." She absentmindedly rubs at the grass-stained knees of her pants, the evidence of how hard she'd chased after the more difficult receives, though she'd missed many of the ones she dived for.

"Even so, you're picking up on my tips and starting to figure out for yourself how to correct your mistakes. I'm impressed."

Oikawa is used to working with beginners, and Ai's level of skill isn't comparable to theirs. Though she's new to volleyball, she has agility, strength, and flexibility from all her softball training, all of which give her an edge. Plus, she isn't the kind of person to give up when something's hard. That's one of her most evident qualities.

To his great confusion, Ai doesn't look pleased at all with his praise. She squeezes the ball and looks over at him with a frown. "Tooru-kun... You aren't being yourself around me, are you?"

He wishes they could have a conversation without her catching him off-guard like that. When had he become so easy to fluster? He laughs lightly and says, "What do you mean, Ai-chan?"

"What I mean is, you act the same way with me that I see you act with every other girl." She sighs. "It should be different with me. Even if we haven't been together that long, I wish you would be yourself. Everyone acts different when they're with someone they're close to, right? I want to see the real you."

 _No, you don't_ , he thinks, wondering where this sudden speech has come from, if she's been dwelling on this for awhile. It makes Iwaizumi's line from the previous day echo in his mind: _"You should try being yourself with her."_

He can't imagine a single scenario where that would play out well.

To challenge her words, he turns them around on her. "Doesn't it go both ways, then? What about the real you?"

She nods. "Okay. That's fair." Without wasting another moment, she scoots closer, leaving the ball on the ground in her original spot. "The real me," she says, sitting up on her knees and leaning towards him, "is even bolder than you'd think."

She kisses him.

Her eyes close, but his remain open in shock. It takes him a second to process what's going on, and then his experience kicks in and he kisses back. The first thing he notices is that she isn't wearing any flavored chapstick, so he bets this really is a spur-of-the-moment thing. The second thing he notices is that one kiss is enough to change the atmosphere around them, but it doesn't stop there. She puts her hands on his shoulders and tilts her head to kiss him more deeply. She's all soft warmth against him, but it feels uncomfortable somehow. He's always put his mind on autopilot when kissing before, but this time the seconds drag on as he wonders when she's going to stop.

Then he remembers that they're in the middle of a popular park and pulls away from her. "We can't kiss here," he says, as if that's the only reason he wants to stop.

"I guess not." She looks over Oikawa's shoulder where a couple of passersby are openly gawking and grins, unabashed. It's not like she's trying to rub her faux pas in, but Oikawa can see she has no shame in how she feels about him. It's stronger than he thought, even if he's memorized the contents of her confession letter.

"Do you want to play some more?" he asks. Anything is better than just sitting around after that.

She hops to her feet. "I'm nowhere near tired. Let's do it."

They play for another half hour or so and then decide to grab ice cream from a nearby vendor. They're hot and sweaty from all the running and jumping, so the ice cream tastes especially delicious. He offers Ai a taste of his vanilla cone and she returns the favor with her strawberry one. Indirect kisses like that prove a lot more tolerable.

They live in opposite directions from the park, Ai within walking distance and Oikawa a short train ride away. Once they finish their cones, Ai presses a sticky hand into his and leans up to give him one more kiss that he sees coming and reciprocates in turn. Now she tastes like strawberry, her lips sweet and cold. He knows the taste is going to linger, and he fingers his pocket where he hopes he has enough change to buy a drink from a vending machine.

He tells her, "I'm glad you had fun today."

"Maybe next time I can return the favor." She squeezes his hand and he brushes his thumb over her smooth skin before letting go and stepping away.

"I don't know if I'd be as good at that as you are at picking up volleyball. But I won't say no." He smiles at her. "Text me when you get home."

"I will."

They part, and Oikawa walks towards the train station, but he passes it and keeps walking, until the sun is setting and he finally has a destination in mind.

-

Oikawa surveys the quiet, empty gym. This is his first time coming here outside of practice since his fight with Iwaizumi, so he feels guilty, especially since he hasn't answered the text his best friend sent him earlier asking how his date went.

His date went perfectly, for all intents and purposes. His favorite sport, a daring girl infatuated with him. A farewell kiss as gentle as a breeze.

He lifts a hand to his mouth and digs his fingernails into his bottom lip. Oikawa's always hated kissing, and he's always been good at it. It's getting harder to pretend like he doesn't know what's making him so reluctant at the thought of having to kiss Ai again, probably on every date after this precedent. Maybe he'll have to start walking her home or to the train station on days he doesn't have practice instead of leaving with Iwaizumi, and then he'll have to kiss her goodbye then, too.

He tries to tell himself it's just Ai, but she's not a bad kisser, he doesn't think. A little clumsy and too earnest, but passionate enough. So then he tries to tell himself that it doesn't matter how he feels. If he goes through the motions enough, he'll get used to it and he won't dread it anymore. Practice is everything. He knows that better than anyone.

An hour passes, then another as he empties the ball cart, refills it, and empties it again. He spends more time spiking than normal, because there's something cathartic about hitting the ball with his full strength and having it slam into the ground beneath him.

Oikawa eventually loses track of time, lost in a haze and focus flipping back and forth between the volleyball in his hand and his memories of Ai's slightly chapped lips. He growls as he spikes another ball down. "Damn it," he mutters. "Damn it, damn it, _damn it_!" He's shouting by the end, head tilted back and hands fisting in his hair.

_Ai's good for me. I want to date Ai. I like Ai._

The mantra doesn't sink in at all and he kicks the volleyball nearest his foot. It ricochets off the wall back to him and he kicks it again. He goes back to practicing, though his muscles are aching and it feels like he hasn't caught his breath for ages. It shouldn't have come as a surprise when, as he runs up to the net again, the edges of his vision darken and a wave of dizziness knocks him off-balance. The room darkens in an instant, and he feels nothing.

It's only seconds later when he comes to, but his perspective has completely shifted. He's lying with his cheek against the hard floor, a volleyball inches from his face. He groans and goes to sit up, and that's when he notices the ache in his knee.

"No."

He tries to deny the pain aloud, in some bizzare hope that it'll change reality, but the ache doesn't fade. It's his left knee, the one he stupidly injured as a first-year and the reason Iwaizumi's so keen to nag him about not overworking himself, and he almost panics as he imagines his first and only act as captain to be benched for the whole season.

Somehow he forces himself to breathe slowly and examine his knee. There's nothing that looks visibly wrong. But when he stands up and tries to walk, the ache flares up strongly, and he's afraid that if it isn't messed up, it will be if keeps putting his weight on it.

Cursing under his breath again, he pulls out his phone and scrolls through his list of contacts. He'd rather shave his head bald than tell Iwaizumi what happened, so he ends up calling his older sister, Ibuki.

She's always been one to rush to anyone who needs her help, and Oikawa's grateful for that hastiness for once, because sitting in the middle of the gym looking at the mess he's made and wondering how he's supposed to explain it to the coach is depressing enough, without even mentioning his injury. He does try to tell her, multiple times, that it's probably nothing and that if she's too busy, he'll find someone else to come get him. However, she insists that she'll be right there.

Soon enough he hears footsteps running up to the gym doors. Ibuki pushes them open and rushes over to help him to his feet. "Tooru, I'm here," she says. She's shorter than him by a good half foot, but she doesn't complain at all about him having to lean some of his weight on her as they leave the gym at a much slower pace than she entered.

"Sorry you had to go out of your way," he says as they approach her car. "Did Takeru stay at home?"

"Yes, with Ryo. You know I'd always go out of my way for you. What happened?" she asks as he leans against the car and she unlocks the passenger side door for him.

"I fell," he says, because it sounds better than "I fainted." "I'm sure my knee will be fine after I let it rest tonight."

"I hope so." She looks at him with concern, and he feels bad about making her wear an expression like that when she should've been at home enjoying dinner with her husband and son.

Ibuki drives in silence and Oikawa closes his eyes, resting his head against the window. It starts to drizzle, and the pitter-patter of drops against glass might've been enough to make him drift off, if not for the persistent pain in his knee.

When he opens his eyes, he realizes they're headed away from his house. "Nee-chan?" he questions, looking over at her.

She grips the steering wheel and sighs. "I'm taking you to the hospital, Tooru."

"Wh-what? Why?" he demands, sitting up straight.

"Because something's obviously a lot more wrong than you're letting on. You called me to come pick you up even though you hate asking for help. And for some reason, you didn't just get Hajime-kun or another of your teammates instead. If I'm wrong and this isn't a bad injury, all this will do is cost us a couple of hours and a boring hospital visit. But I don't think I'm wrong." She shakes her head at him sadly. "Don't forget that I'm an Oikawa too, even now, and shrewdness is something we all have."

He groans inwardly and lets his head fall back against his seat, defeated. He really had forgotten that under her sweet exterior, Ibuki never misses a detail.

A small hand pats his shoulder. "Either way, I'll buy you milk bread."

The hospital waiting room is so packed that Ibuki ends up standing beside Oikawa's chair after giving up her own to an old man who keeps pulling down his face mask to cough violently into his hand. Oikawa sits stiffly, feeling out of place, because he refuses to consider that his knee might actually need medical attention.

When he's called back to have it examined, his sister disappears after making sure he's okay on his own, saying she needs to call her husband and let him know she'll be out later than expected; Oikawa figures their mom will be getting a call as well. After the doctor reads through his medical file, he sends him for some scans, though he does say that his knee doesn't appear to be seriously damaged. Then he's sent to another room to wait and wait and wait, and he decides that's a good sign. Surely if something is really wrong, he'd be higher on the priority list.

The door finally opens, but instead of the doctor or Ibuki, it's Iwaizumi, hair and clothes wet with rain. Oikawa's heart sinks and he can't keep the gloom off his face as he prepares to be berated, as though he isn't feeling miserable enough. He just hopes Iwaizumi doesn't yell at him for too long.

But Iwaizumi doesn't say anything at first. He closes the door behind him and walks to the edge of the examination table, looking down at Tooru's knee. "What happened?" he asks simply.

Oikawa crosses his arms and looks away. "Go ahead and yell at me. No need to hold back."

Iwaizumi sighs and sits down next to him. "I didn't come here to yell at you, dumbass. What good would that do? Has the doctor told you anything yet?"

"No." Oikawa can feel Iwaizumi's eyes on him, but he doesn't turn to meet them. "They took some scans, though."

After that, they sit in silence until Iwaizumi asks, "Why?"

"Why what?"

Iwaizumi lifts his hand and turns Oikawa's head so he has to look at him. "Why won't you just tell me whatever it is that you're trying to use volleyball to escape from?"

Oikawa resists the urge to look away again. He hates how, when it comes to Iwaizumi, he's glass that can be seen through from a mile away. But Iwaizumi still hasn't figured out what Oikawa's locked away so tight, and Oikawa doesn't know if he should be relieved or not, because he's sure it's only a matter of time.

Iwaizumi sighs again when Oikawa doesn't answer. "Goddamn it, do we have to play a guessing game? Fine. Is this about Ushiwaka?"

"No," he says, though he sneers at the mention of his name.

"Kageyama?"

"No," he says and sneers again.

"Your family?"

"No."

"Next year's Interhigh?"

"No."

"Your girlfriend?"

"No."

But he hesitates ever so slightly before answering that time, and nothing gets past Iwaizumi when it comes to Oikawa. 

He sits back, looking thoughtful. "Do you think she doesn't like you anymore?"

"How many rounds of this game are we playing?" Oikawa looks over to the door, willing the doctor to appear, even if it's with bad news. Anything to distract Iwaizumi. "And I said it wasn't about Ai-chan."

"Yeah, you say a lot of shit you don't mean."

Oikawa gives him a sour look. "Since you obviously know me so well, why do you have to guess at all?"

For just a moment, a brief a time as Oikawa's pause was before saying no to Iwaizumi's question about Ai, there's a flicker of something that looks a lot like guilt in Iwaizumi's eyes. Oikawa doesn't know how he's supposed to feel about that, other than mild bewilderment. So Iwaizumi's blaming himself for not having figured out what Oikawa won't tell him. Oikawa could almost laugh when he realizes he's read all this from a fleeting, nearly imperceptible change in his expression. Maybe they really do have some form of telepathy. He hopes it doesn't get any better, because Iwaizumi's already too good at detecting his lies.

A little too late to be the answer to Oikawa's wishes, the doctor returns, Ibuki right behind him, and the two boys snap to attention. The doctor explains that Oikawa injured one of the ligaments in his knee, but that it will heal within a few weeks as long as he lets it rest. He's given orders to ice and elevate it when he gets home, as well as a prescription for pain medication.

Oikawa asks about volleyball, and the doctor says that as long as the pain goes away and he exercises his knee gently at first, he could return to the sport before long. Oikawa nods, and he feels bad that he doesn't feel better about the news. It could be so much worse- it has been worse, once before. But any time off the court is time he's not improving and time for his muscle memory to fade a small but crucial amount.

He gets a pair of crutches, something he's unfortunately had practice with, and finally he's allowed to leave the hospital after his first dose of painkillers.

Ibuki speaks to Iwaizumi as they enter the parking lot. "I'm sorry you had to come through the rain to get here. I should've known that if I told our mother, she'd tell yours, and then word would get to you."

"It's fine," he says. His clothes are still damp but the droplets of water that clung to his hair have disappeared. Oikawa wonders if he should've just called Iwaizumi in the first place instead of his sister. The end result probably wouldn't have changed.

"Let me give you a ride home, too," she offers.

They get into the car, both of them in the backseat like when they were kids riding to festivals together and arguing over which booths they would go to first, never listening to the adults when they were told they could always split up if they couldn't come to an agreement. Oikawa's crutches only fit if they angle them over both their laps. Oikawa stares down at them the whole way, ignoring Iwaizumi's searching looks as best he can.

Ibuki stops at the Iwaizumi household first. Before he gets out, he nudges Oikawa's shoulder with his. "Text me if you need anything."

Oikawa nods, though they both know he won't. "See you in the morning, Iwa-chan."

When he gets to his own home, he has to endure a longwinded monologue from his mother about how worried she was and how he's got to stop practicing by himself and how he better thank Ibuki for helping him out. It's nearing midnight by the time he lays down and checks his texts. He never opened Ai's, so he reads it now: _Back at home. Do you want to eat lunch together at school tomorrow?_

He can't erase the "read" notification marking the message, but he also can't muster up the energy to reply. He turns his phone off and pushes it slowly towards the edge of the bed until it falls off and hits the ground with a thunk.

Ai will surely forgive him for his silence when she sees his injury. And she will insist on giving him a kiss to cheer him up, and he will never tell her that if she hadn't kissed him in the first place, maybe none of this would have happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate Ai. Hate me instead.
> 
> (Disclaimer that I know little about knee injuries and I think half the sites I did research on were trying to sell me something. Hopefully the information is accurate enough anyway.)


	6. Chapter 6

Walking to school on crutches would take forever, so he ends up taking the bus, eyes scanning the sidewalk for Iwaizumi when it crosses their typical route. It's a Monday, so there's no practice and he was another twenty-four hours before he has to apologize to the coach and his teammates for foolishly getting himself hurt. He knows Yahaba will do his best to lessen the impact of his absence, but sitting on the sidelines has always been torturous for Oikawa.

He makes it three steps onto school grounds before he's swarmed.

"Oh no, Oikawa-kun, what happened?"

"Did you get hurt playing volleyball?"

"Can I carry your backpack for you?"

"What's the team going to do without you, Oikawa-kun?"

He smiles as best he can and tries to soothe their worries, but they press relentlessly closer until there's a confused "Tooru-kun?" The girls around him reluctantly part, however much they might want to get between Oikawa and his girlfriend.

There's silence as Oikawa realizes what this must look like to her: her boyfriend is injured enough to need crutches and not only did he not breathe a word of it to her, she ends up being one of the last to know, after girls whose names Oikawa doesn't even know. He's stricken by guilt and excuses himself, walking off with Ai around the corner where they might have a moment of privacy before news of Oikawa's injury spreads through the whole school.

"Tooru-kun, what happened?" Ai asks, looking at his knee worriedly. "You were fine when we split up yesterday. Right?"

"Yes. I fell when playing volleyball later." He shifts uncomfortably on his crutches. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I got back from the hospital late, and I was tired." The excuses sound hollow to his ears and he hopes they don't sound the same to Ai.

"Don't apologize," she says, though she sounds a little subdued, which doesn't suit her at all. "You're the one who's hurt. Can I help you with anything?"

"No. This isn't my first knee injury," he sighs. "I got the hang of crutches last time."

"Oh... I think I remember that now. First year, right?"

Oikawa nods and changes the topic, not wanting to go back to that time. "If you still want to, we could eat lunch together." He feels like he owes her that much.

She smiles briefly and nods. "I definitely want to. I'll come to your classroom so you don't have to go anywhere."

He has a flashback to spring of his first year, when he worked himself so hard he's had to wear a knee supporter ever since. As his knee was healing, he'd gotten more attention than usual from his female classmates, and lunchtime especially was busy, with them bringing him homemade sweets and get well soon cards so frequently that he didn't have time to actually eat lunch for a week. Hanamaki, Matsukawa, and even Iwaizumi stopped showing up to eat with him, since it was always so crowded.

"Actually, my friends and I will probably be somewhere else. I'll text you when we decide where to eat."

"Sure." She reaches out and gives his hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm glad I'll get to meet your friends. They're on the volleyball team too, right?"

"That's right."

He's nervous about them meeting, since Matsukawa and Hanamaki will undoubtedly try to embarrass him (and he knows Matsukawa still has that picture of him crying). Also, he isn't sure Iwaizumi has gotten over his crush yet, but if they keep dating, it's inevitable that they'll all meet eventually.

When the lunch bell rings that afternoon, he slips from the classroom as quickly as he can with Iwaizumi right behind him. His plan is to disappear before he can get surrounded again. By now everyone knows about his injury, as they would any star athlete's, though the rumor that's spreading makes it seem much worse than it is, and one girl was almost in tears when she asked if it was true that he had to quit the volleyball team. It's not like he can forget about his injury anyway with his crutches always by his side, but having to describe it all day is getting on his nerves.

"Let's go to the roof," he says shortly, thinking that no one will expect him to be there, since most students use the stairs to get there and not the elevator. "Will you tell Mattsun and Makki?"

Iwaizumi texts them, and after the short elevator ride, Oikawa finds a place to sit and texts Ai. No one else is on the roof, and Oikawa's glad. Iwaizumi is literally the only person he's talked to all day that hasn't said something about his knee. It's nice that, for a few seconds at least, he can let his guard down. He closes his eyes and rests his head on the mesh wire behind him. Iwaizumi, ever able to sense when he just needs some quiet, says nothing. Oikawa can hear him eating and thinks about taking out his own lunch but doesn't feel that hungry. He only opens his eyes when he hears footsteps on the stairs.

Hanamaki, Matsukawa, and Ai appear all at once. She's walking between them and laughing, and from the shit-eating grin on Hanamaki's face, Oikawa suspects it's because of something about him that was never meant to be repeated.

"Hey, Oikawa," Matsukawa greets him. "You've gotta tell us your secret. How'd you end up with a girl infinitely more charming and likable than you?"

"I just told her about the time at training camp when you woke everyone up by shouting, 'How am I supposed to set a watermelon!?' in your sleep," Hanamaki says, turning his grin to him. "Yet she is willingly going to continue dating you. It's truly inexplicable."

Oikawa tries not to pout. He remembers that dream all too well, including the part where right after he said that, Kageyama showed up and somehow managed to both set a watermelon and spike it. "Ai-chan, don't listen to anything they say. They're always trying to slander me."

"It's not slander when it's true," Matsukawa says.

Ai laughs again. "Don't worry, Tooru-kun. I think this just shows how great you are, that you're close enough with your friends for them to tease you like this."

Hanamaki pretends to shield his eyes from an imaginary light radiating from Ai. "She's a saint, she has to be. You're one lucky charity case, Oikawa."

"Jealousy is unbecoming," he says. "I already know Ai-chan's great." Then he thinks about someone who might really be jealous and looks at Iwaizumi out of the corner of his eye. Iwaizumi doesn't look bothered, though, just amused at their friends' ruthless teasing. It makes Oikawa feel relieved, but also guilty, because he can easily imagine Iwaizumi making a conscious decision to get over his crush as soon as he heard Oikawa would be dating her.

The other three sit down and form a loose circle. Ai ends up doing most of the talking, because Hanamaki and Matsukawa ask her enough questions to be able to write her biography. She's at ease when talking about softball, just like the rest of them are when it comes to volleyball. Oikawa himself ends up learning as much about her as the rest of them do.

"In middle school, I was so focused on preparing for a tournament that I didn't study at all for my exams," she tells them at one point. "The rest of the team found out and locked me in the clubroom until I got caught up on my reading for class. I still owe them for that."

"Ah." Hanamaki nods sagely. "Someone who gets so caught up with practice that they forget the rest of the world exists... Now, where have I heard of someone like that before?"

"It does sound familiar." Matsukawa taps a finger against his chin. "Their name is on the tip of my tongue. Oita? Ishikawa?"

"Iwa-chan, they're bullying me. Are you just going to sit there?" Oikawa asks, nudging Iwaizumi's foot with his own.

"Yeah, actually. Ask me again when I'm done eating." Iwaizumi takes another bite; apparently riceballs are more important than his best friend's honor.

"You still wouldn't help me," Oikawa mourns. "You're all against me. I can only count on Ai-chan."

She puts her hand on top of his, unable to suppress a grin as she looks at him. "You should invite me to lunch more often, Tooru-kun. Your friends are fun."

"I'm inviting you right now," Matsukawa says.

"We won't rest until we've turned you against Oikawa too," Hanamaki smirks. "Though the one with the best Oikawa stories is Iwaizumi."

"Oh?" she asks, looking at Iwaizumi curiously.

He shrugs. "It happens when you've known an idiot like this pretty much your whole life," he says, thumbing at Oikawa.

Matsukawa urges, "Tell her about the time Oikawa climbed a tree trying to catch a beetle for you then refused to touch it because it 'looked mean.'"

"Can't you all show your captain any respect?" Oikawa complains.

The rest of the lunch period passes in a similar fashion, until Oikawa is half-convinced his so-called friends are trying to sabotage his relationship. When they finally get bored of that, they steal Oikawa's crutches and have races to see who can cross the rooftop the fastest.

"Be careful, I kind of need those," Oikawa says, though he's resigned to his fate. He can't exactly chase after them and get them back. And if they end up tripping and faceplanting, then it would only be sweet karma.

That's what he thinks until Matsukawa catches the tip of one of the crutches on a leaf that's blown onto the roof and slips. His fall is cushioned by their pile of bags. "Ow," he says, sitting up on his knees with a groan. He looks down, blinks a couple of times, and eloquently adds, "Shit." He picks up a mess of metal and glass. "Sorry, Oikawa."

Oikawa recognizes his glasses, which apparently he should've gotten a proper case for instead of just carrying around in a soft sleeve to keep the dust off. He scowls. "You are so lucky I can't walk right now because I would push you off this roof so you could look as mangled as my glasses."

He remembers that Ai is sitting right beside him too late and sees her wide-eyed curiosity at his sudden change in expression and tone. He tries to tell himself that it isn't that big of a deal, she's probably heard him verbally intimidate an opponent at least once before, but he has never liked breaking his mild-mannered persona right in front of girls and especially not his girlfriends.

Fortunately, Iwaizumi speaks up, drawing the attention to himself. He's gone over to get Oikawa's glasses from Matsukawa. "I don't think they can be fixed. But you don't really need them if you're not watching something from far away, right?"

"No, and I have contacts," he admits. He doesn't like wearing them, though. They make his eyes red and dry.

Matsukawa has the decency to look ashamed. "I really am sorry."

The warning bell rings and Oikawa's crutches are returned to him. Ai opts to take the elevator back down with him and Iwaizumi and he tries to act like his outburst never happened. Before they can part ways, she grabs his arm and says, "Let's do this again soon." There's nothing Oikawa can do but nod and agree.

-

"The office is going to close if you take a selfie with every pair you try on, Shittykawa."

The only thing holding Iwaizumi back from throwing something at him is that Oikawa is surrounded by glasses as breakable as the pair Matsukawa destroyed. Secure in this knowledge, Oikawa smiles innocently at him as he puts on yet another pair and snaps a picture with his phone's camera. His gallery is now full of him pulling the same pose but with a different pair of glasses each time, and with each picture he takes, Iwaizumi looks more murderous.

"We've been in here an hour, can't you pick already? You're hardly ever going to wear them anyway."

"That's no reason not to pick the best pair there is," Oikawa argues. "Glasses are a hit or miss thing, you know, the wrong pair can ruin someone's whole look!"

"Good thing you don't have a look to ruin, then." Iwaizumi picks up a pair of glasses that are almost identical to the pair he had before. "What about these?"

"No, I want something new." Oikawa picks up a frameless pair, frowns, and places them back. He can't actually say why he's making such a big deal out of this. Maybe it's just too fun to watch Iwaizumi try not to snap and whack him over the head with an entire stand of glasses. Maybe he just wants to put off his dinner plans as long as possible.

A pair with bright red rectangular frames catches his eye. He picks them up and, in one smooth motion, puts them on Iwaizumi.

"What the hell, Shittykawa, my vision is fine." Iwaizumi makes a move to take them off, but Oikawa clamps his hands over his to hold them in place.

"Your vision must be awful, actually, because you're insulting how I look all the time. Really, you're the one who should wear glasses because anything that covers any part of your face is bound to be an improvement," Oikawa explains to him cheerfully in a tone completely unbefitting of insults.

"...You do know I'm going to kill you the second we leave, right?" Iwaizumi looks at him, unimpressed, and even with the absurd glasses on, he's downright intimidating. Oikawa meekly returns the glasses to their proper spot.

In the end, he does go with a pair not so unlike his broken ones. When they leave, Oikawa puts a good ten feet of distance between them right away so Iwaizumi can't hit him.

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. "I'll punch you later. Let's go back to your house and eat those snacks Matsukawa bought you as an apology."

Oikawa smirks at him. "Ooh, I know Iwa-chan's secret. He's actually a super sensitive, nice guy who doesn't want to hit someone who's already injured and- ouch!"

Oikawa's words are immediately proved wrong when Iwaizumi walks over and brings a fist down on his head firmly. "Rude," he says, faking a sniffle. "Not that I'd want to hang out with someone as awful as you anyway, but I'm going over to Ai-chan's today to do homework and meet her sisters."

"Oh, okay. Be nice to them."

"Why are you always telling me to be nice to people?" he complains. "Anyway, I'm always nice to girls."

It's one of the truest statements Oikawa's made in awhile, so Iwaizumi can't exactly argue. He just shrugs. "Whatever, I'll see you tomorrow."

They split up at the bus stop, and Oikawa takes it to the address Ai texted him earlier that day. She greets him at the door and shows him in, mentioning that her sisters and mother are still out. If Oikawa was nervous about meeting Ai's family, it's nothing compared to how he feels to know they won't be home for a good hour.

He and Ai spread out their homework and textbooks on the living room table and sit together on the couch. The living room is small, at least in comparison to the rest of the house, which is big enough that Ai and her sisters all have their own rooms. Oikawa didn't see much on the way to the living room, and he has to admit he's interested in what the rest of the place looks like. He can't see Ai's bedroom since it's on the second floor, which is a shame. A glimpse of someone's room can say so much more than a hundred conversations can. On the other hand, he figures it's probably better to avoid being in a bedroom with his spontaneous girlfriend.

As it turns out, Ai's great with English. She helps him with that and he explains the current topic in math. Admittedly, it's one of the most productive study sessions he's ever had. Nothing much gets done when he and Iwaizumi study together. For one, Iwaizumi may get decent grades, but he hates studying and always takes longer than necessary to get through an assignment. And Oikawa gets bored waiting for him to catch up and will begin to flick eraser shavings at him or turn his homework into origami when he gets too engrossed in his textbook to notice. Then they waste valuable time when Iwaizumi realizes what's happened and retaliates by chasing him around the house until they're scolded for roughhousing and told to get back to studying. Then the process repeats. It's honestly a little strange to have gotten this far into a study session without getting bruised somewhere.

After about half an hour, Ai puts her pencil down and stretches and Oikawa just knows he isn't going to like where this is going. He smiles at her nonetheless. "Need a break?"

"Just for a minute. I wish I was as good at math as you are. It's taking forever to do these problems." She looks up at him. "I'd rather be kissing you."

He laughs a little. "That won't help you get into a good college."

That makes her laugh, too. "I'm hoping for a sports scholarship. I don't know what I'll study anyway. I like English and history, but I don't want to do anything but play softball."

"I know what you mean." Since the age of eight, when asked what he wants to be when he grows up, Oikawa's been answering the same thing: "A professional volleyball player!" No matter how hard it can be at times, he's never once wavered on that point. He's going to get there, all the Ushijimas and Kageyamas in the world be damned. "Let's both do our best to get there."

"I already know you will. That's why I'm lucky to know you now," she says.

He wishes he could just feel more comfortable around her. That's what she's asked for, for him to be himself. If he was, he'd make some half-serious remark about how no one else seems to appreciate him, and that Ai obviously has more brains than all of his teammates put together. She thinks his friends are funny, so she'd probably appreciate it if he joked around. Still, the words that would fall from his lips so easily around his friends refuse to leave his mouth.

But Ai isn't one to let a silence stretch on uncomfortably. In this case, she doesn't fill it with words, but by leaning up, and Oikawa leans forward so as not to seem completely uneager.

When their lips meet, he remembers how barely a week ago, this same thing set off a chain of events that landed him in the hospital. He's been dreading when they would kiss again, but he can't put it off forever. Any girlfriend would expect this kind of thing. He's tried to like it, he's tried to ignore how he feels altogether, but the bottom line is that he can imagine few things more unpleasant than all this kissing.

Even with his eyes closed, he's too aware of what Ai looks like right now, far too close and far too soft against him. He can't pretend to be someone who likes this. But maybe he can pretend Ai is someone he could like to kiss.

It isn't an entirely conscious thought process, more like a series of sensations he notes as somehow off. The hands pressed against his back are too small. The hair he runs his fingers through is short, but still too long. The way she presses against him is the worst. Her chest presses against his as she leans up and he can't begin to describe how awkward that feels.

He thinks about what would be better. Someone taller, stronger, rougher. Large hands pulling him closer, gripping him tight. He could trail his fingers up their arm to feel the hard muscle there. Then he'd slip his fingers through their hair, short and a little spiky and-

He chokes on nothing and pushes Ai away, holding her at arm's length. She opens her eyes, looking uncertain and almost startled, much like she had the morning she first saw him with crutches. "Tooru-kun? Are you okay, did I bump your knee or something?"

His heart's racing, and it has nothing to do with the kiss or the girl right in front of him. He lets go of her and tries to laugh it off. "Ah, no, you didn't do anything but it is starting to bother me. Maybe I should go on home for now."

_Could you be more obvious?_ he berates himself. But suspicious or not, he has to get out of there.

"Oh. Okay, you can always meet my family some other time. But are you sure you're okay?"

Oikawa's had enough of people prying into his business no matter how much he insists it isn't necessary. "I'm fine," he says firmly. "But I need to go." He pulls his backpack on, grabs his crutches, and stands up. Ai walks behind him to the door, and when he turns to say goodbye, she just looks sad and Oikawa is wracked with guilt again. He keeps thinking of how much their interactions are hurting him, but now he has to admit he's been hurting her too, with his vagueness and ingenuity. "I'm sorry, Ai-chan. I'll feel better tomorrow and I'll try to come back over again soon, okay?"

She manages a small smile for him. "Okay. I'm holding you to that, Tooru-kun, but only when you feel up to it."

They don't share a goodbye kiss this time. She waves as he leaves through the gate, heading to the nearby bus stop. He sits on the bench there, hands gripping his crutches tightly as he waits for the bus to show up. He stares at how his knuckles are going white and wills himself not to think of just who'd popped into his mind as he kissed Ai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My struggle this whole fic has been trying to make kissing a girl sound unappealing. It's kind of my favorite thing to do.


	7. Chapter 7

_It wasn't Iwa-chan_ , Oikawa thinks so much that before long, all he's thinking about is Iwaizumi. He feels guilty every time he looks at Iwaizumi for the next week, and he apologizes under his breath for something he hasn't even admitted to himself happened. But he still spends time with him, and with Ai, and watches practice from the sidelines, and counts down the days until he can play volleyball again, and all the while he pretends his smile isn't the heaviest burden he's ever carried.

He probably only notices him at practice because fewer people have been coming since he got injured. As his teammates practice receives, his eyes leave the court for a moment, and that's when he sees Takahashi in the stands. Of course he's caught glimpses of him around school now and then, but he's not in a situation now where he can turn the corner or duck into a bathroom. At least Takahashi isn't looking at him, he thinks, but that relief is short-lived.

He's looking instead at the guy sitting beside him. They're sitting so close their knees are touching, and it looks like they're alternating speaking quietly and laughing aloud at whatever the other is saying. Takahashi touches the other guy's shoulder, leans in and whispers something, and they both laugh again. He looks so happy and comfortable and again, Oikawa feels that inexplicable jealousy erupt within him, filling his veins with boiling envy that isn't really directed at either of them but the both of them together.

Somehow, this makes even less sense than when he got jealous over seeing the kiss at training camp. He has a best friend, he doesn't need someone to laugh with. But he can tell, maybe just because he knows Takahashi's secret, that he's not looking at two friends. There's something else there. Something else Oikawa isn't allowed to want, especially not with-

"Daydreaming during practice won't keep you prepared for when your knee has recovered," his coach reprimands lightly.

Oikawa snaps back to attention, focusing on Yahaba's form as he sets over and over for spiking practice. "Sorry, Coach."

The coach hums. "You belong out there, not on the bench, Oikawa. Take care of yourself from now on."

"Understood."

Oikawa's used to advice like that being accompanied by a brutal headbutt. He almost smiles as he thinks of how often over the years Iwaizumi's tried to drill that idea into his head, but he can't manage it. Thinking of Iwaizumi is too tangled up with feeling guilty right now.

That night, he procrastinates on his homework too long, watching documentaries on Youtube and doodling over Ushijima's face in the newest issue of Volleyball Monthly, so he ends up having to sneak and take a bath near midnight. Tomorrow isn't a school day, so he probably wouldn't get into too much trouble for being up late, but he doesn't want to risk it, so he's quiet as can be as he waits for the water to fill the tub. He relaxes in it, though it's so hot it reddens his skin all over, and closes his eyes, tempted to fall asleep then and there, when his phone beeps.

He jolts up, the wet ends of his hair dripping onto his shoulders as he reaches over the edge of the tub to fish his phone out of the pocket of his dirty jeans.

_Message received, 12:03  
were we supposed to read chapter four or five for history_

He raises a brow, wondering why Iwaizumi's doing homework in what he'd call the middle of the night. He taps at the keys with damp fingers before erasing everything's he's typed and sighing, unsure how to sound like his usual flippant self when just reading Iwaizumi's name makes his heart hurt.

_Message received, 12:05  
hey shittykawa i know you're awake_

_Message received, 12:08  
you're seeing the doctor tomorrow right_

The sudden question has him sinking back down into the tub, letting the water rise to his lips as he stares at his phone. So that's why Iwaizumi's actually doing his homework on a Friday night. He wants to have time to go with Oikawa tomorrow. Oikawa tosses his phone aside, immerses his head completely underwater, and holds his breath as long as he can before resurfacing and reaching for his phone again.

_Message sent, 12:10  
iwa-chan it's past your bedtime! _

_Message received, 12:11  
shut the fuck up, you didn't answer either of my questions_

_Message sent, 12:11  
am i supposed to shut up or answer? you're giving me mixed signals ( ；´Д｀)_

_Message received, 12:12  
what time should i show up to kill you tomorrow_

Oikawa does want Iwaizumi to come with him, but at the same time he wants to keep his distance. But that would only make Iwaizumi all suspicious again and he thinks he's done very well to keep Iwaizumi from guessing how badly he's felt lately. He tries to stall.

_Message sent, 12:14  
never if you're going to be like that! ヾ( ･`⌓´･)ﾉﾞ_

_Message received, 12:15  
i swear to god shittykawa could you answer a question without doing this just once in your life_

_Message sent, 12:16  
yes_

_Message sent, 12: 16  
see, i just did!_

_Message received, 12:17  
oh my god. i'll be there in the morning and if that's way too early i'm going to kick your ass_

_Message sent, 12:18  
goodnight to you too, iwa-chan!_

It's the sort of message he usually punctuates with a lot of hearts and maybe a winking kaomoji, but he doesn't dare send anything like that this time. He turns his phone off and finishes his bath quickly.

In the morning, he wakes up when his pillow is jerked out from under his head. "Iwa-chan, don't bully me!" he cries out before he's even opened his eyes.

"If I had to wake up at seven on a Saturday, then you're not sleeping in, either." Iwaizumi sits down on the edge of his bed, hands poised to rip the cover off him next.

Oikawa wraps it around him like a cocoon he's unwilling to shed. "I need my rest. I have to put up with a bunch of insubordinate teammates day in and day out, a lesser man would never be able to handle this stress."

"You're about to go to the doctor for a very different reason than planned." Iwaizumi cracks his knuckles and Oikawa sighs loudly, resigning himself to his fate as he forces himself out of bed.

"You should wake me up more gently, you know how I feel about mornings," he complains as he rubs the sleep from his eyes.

"If I don't do this, you'd stay in bed until noon."

"Not today I wouldn't." He casts a look at his calendar. His appointment time is written in red ink on today's square, just an hour and a half away. "Go away so I can get ready."

"If you fall back asleep, I'm eating your share of the pancakes your mother made," Iwaizumi warns.

"She made pancakes?" Oikawa perks up as he registers the smell of blueberries and pancake batter wafting in. He puts his hands against Iwaizumi's back and pushes him out of his bedroom. "Be there in one minute!"

Now that he's awake, his guard is coming back up too, and he looks down at his hands like they've betrayed him by touching Iwaizumi so casually. He shakes that thought off as he gets dressed and heads into the kitchen. Iwaizumi's sitting at the kitchen table with his own plate of pancakes, just like he lives there, and honestly it feels that way sometimes. Oikawa slides into the seat across from him and his mother gives him a plate as well, with extra blueberries just like he likes.

"Hajime-kun, make sure Tooru gets to the doctor okay, alright?" his mother says.

Oikawa pouts, wishing his mother didn't have the tendency to fuel Iwaizumi's own mothering inclinations. "I can get there fine by myself. I'm just letting Iwa-chan come so he doesn't get lonely."

"You mean so I'll never have a chance for some peace of mind by myself," Iwaizumi retorts around a mouthful of syrupy pancake, as though they both don't know Iwaizumi volunteered to come.

"You two," his mother says with a sigh. "It's hard to believe you're friends with the way you sound sometimes. Well, I'm about to go shopping, so try not to bicker too much."

Oikawa makes no promises, though Iwaizumi politely wishes her a good shopping trip. After they've finished eating breakfast, they head out so they can get to the hospital without needing to rush. They take the train, thankfully past rush hour, but there are still quite a few people since it's the weekend.

Two girls who look like they're in college get up right away to offer him a seat, and he blinks down, not wanting to take one seat and leave the other offended. "I'm fine, I'm fine," he assures them. They look disappointed as they sink back down. He leans against the wall of the train for balance, since he can't hold onto one of the straps and his crutches too.

"You should've sat down," Iwaizumi murmurs in the near-silent train. "If you lose your balance, it'll be your own fault."

"I have great balance," Oikawa says.

He stubbornly doesn't take a seat even when a bunch of people get off at the next station, until Iwaizumi physically maneuvers him into one and stands in front of him like he'll push him back down if he even thinks about getting back up.

"It's only one more stop," Oikawa points out, but he leans back in the seat anyway. "The doctor's going to tell me I'm all better and then you're going to look so silly for worrying like this."

"As long as you're better, that's fine," Iwaizumi says, and it's so honest and lacking in the usual bite their back-and-forth conversations have that Oikawa can't think of a good reply. Before he knows it, it's time for them to get off the train and make it down the few streets to the hospital.

He doesn't have to wait long since he has an appointment, and just as he'd hoped, he's given the all-clear to stop using crutches and return to light practice. He also has to sit through a considerable lecture about what it could mean for daily life and him as an athlete if he injures his knee again. It's like the doctor doesn't think he's spent hours googling all this himself, wondering if he sealed his fate the first time he overworked himself to the point of hospitilization.

As they're leaving, he's surprised to see two familiar figures waiting near the lobby entrance, apparently engrossed in discussing whether a well-known celebrity parody twitter account is, in fact, genuine, with Hanamaki arguing in favor.

"I mean, that's exactly what I would do if I was a celebrity," he's saying as Matsukawa looks up and sees them.

"Hey, Captain, looking good," he says, nodding approvingly at his lack of crutches.

Hanamaki waves. "About time. Finally going to deign to join us in practice next week?"

Oikawa huffs, "Excuse you, I've been at practice all along, and I was able to notice some very alarming things that I plan on discussing! Starting with how you favor cross-spikes even when a straight would be the more reliable option, Makki."

"Whoa, chill, we came to hang out, not get lectured. Save that for the court." Hanamaki holds up a small bag and shakes it. It clinks like it's full of bells. "Iwaizumi told us you'd probably be getting off crutches. What better way to celebrate this occasion than go to the arcade?"

Oikawa hasn't been to an arcade in months, too used to spending his rare free time doing something active (not counting binge-watching Korean dramas till three in the morning, which he considers a guilty pleasure he's entitled to now and then). He knows that Hanamaki and Matsukawa frequent them, though, and that sometimes Iwaizumi tags along too. He shrugs. "Sure, why not?"

He's actually glad those two have shown up, because now he doesn't have to feel nervous about being alone with Iwaizumi. He can't remember ever feeling this way around him before and he'd rather bury the feeling than attempt the messy, complicated process of unraveling it.

They walk to the nearest arcade, and Oikawa knows they're going slower than usual for his sake, though no one says anything about it. He's not visibly limping, but his knee has become unaccustomed to bearing his weight, and he knows it'll be a few weeks before he can consider himself rehabilitated. Fortunately, none of that matters once they're inside the arcade, a five-storied building of bright, noisy chaos.

They weave their way through the first floor of crane machines and take the escalator up to the third floor, where rows and rows of rhythm games are.

"The only floor that matters," Matsukawa says, making a beeline for the machine at the end of a row.

Hanamaki claims the one next to him, and they both pull on a pair of gloves before going into the menu and choosing a song. Iwaizumi and Oikawa watch as they hit the buttons circling the screen where some animated girl is dancing and swipe over the screen when prompted before hitting more lit buttons. Their hands move in perfect unison and neither miss a single cue. When the song is over, there's no winner or loser, just a screen proclaiming that they were perfectly in-sync.

"I can't believe either of you has ever had the nerve to call me a nerd when you must've practiced this game for hours," Oikawa says as they debate on whether to try another song or move on to a different machine.

Hanamaki grins lazily at him. "Can't stand knowing that we're better at something than you are?"

Oikawa grins back. "Why don't you say that after you've actually challenged me?"

"Nah, you'll just get all pouty when I beat you and demand a rematch." He turns to Iwaizumi and points dramatically. "I haven't beaten you in arm wrestling yet, but you're going down here."

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. "I'm not playing one of these games with you."

"It's true, Iwa-chan sucks at these," Oikawa says sympathetically, patting him on the shoulder like he's just received some awful news. "Don't worry, I'll accept the challenge for you."

"If you're that eager to lose," Hanamaki says with a shrug.

Matsukawa passes his gloves off to Oikawa and they choose a new song. Oikawa can actually hear it now that he's in front of the machine, though the roar of the arcade still overpowers it, all the dings and thuds and cries of frustration and glee that come with the place.

Matsukawa flips a coin into the air and catches it as they wait for the song to begin. "One hundred yen on Hanamaki," he says.

"What, were you expecting me to bet on Oikawa or something?" Iwaizumi asks. "Yeah, right."

"Iwa-chan, have some faith in me!" he complains, and misses the first command of the game because of it. He hears Matsukawa laugh behind him, but then he becomes completely focused, just like he can with volleyball, and though he doesn't think anyone could speak poorly of his sense of rhythm after that game, his score doesn't compare to Hanamaki's.

"Here it comes," says Hanamaki.

Oikawa crosses his arms petulantly. "You're wrong, because I'm not demanding a rematch. It's no fun when you're a sore winner."

"Oh, you're really one to talk."

They head up to the top floor after that, Hanamaki still gloating over his victory and Oikawa ignoring him, and they split into two teams for the four-person air hockey table there. Oikawa and Iwaizumi take their side and wait for the puck to drop as Hanamaki and Matsukawa do the same on the other side.

The game goes fast, and it's like Oikawa and Iwaizumi can see a clear line down the center of the table, never going for the puck when the other has it covered and always defending their side from attack. Iwaizumi gets a little zealous with hitting the puck, sending it flying into the other side's slot with a loud clatter and leaving Matsukawa complaining that he never even saw the puck go by. Oikawa focuses more on keeping the puck away from Matsukawa, who's a little better than Hanamaki at this type of game, and making sure that he's keeping their defense strong when Iwaizumi gets too into attacking.

After a few points, tiny colorful pucks spill out all over the surface of the table, and it's a free-for-all as they clear the table of them. There are only a few left, and Oikawa and Iwaizumi are in the lead when he hears something that makes him turn from the table completely.

He's hoping he's wrong, but when he looks up, there's Ai standing with a group of girls he recognizes from the softball game. "Shit," he says under his breath, barely audible, and Iwaizumi abandons the game too to see what he's looking at. The final puck goes into their side and the game ends barely in their victory, but no one says anything about that as Ai and Oikawa look at each other.

Ai leaves her friends and walks over to him slowly, looking in a circle from his knee to his friends to his face. Something settles in her expression when she says, "Tooru-kun, can we talk?"

He can feel the weight of everyone's eyes on him, Ai's friends looking at him with suspicion and his own friends with confusion. Iwaizumi walks into his line of sight and gives him a small nod. "We'll meet you back on the first floor." Hanamaki and Matsukawa go with him without any of their usual wiseass remarks.

"Okay, Ai-chan," he manages to say. "Why don't we head over there?" He points to a relatively uncrowded section next the wall beside a huge crane machine being stocked with cartons of ice cream. They go over there after Ai waves her friends away.

He lets her speak first, since he isn't sure what to say anyway. "You didn't tell me you were getting off crutches today," she says, looking at his knee again. "So your knee is okay now?"

"More or less." He pinches at the fabric of his pants absentmindedly. "I should've told you."

"Yeah. You should've." She sighs and closes her eyes for a moment before making eye contact again. "I thought you would warm up to me if we spent more time together, but nothing's changing for us. You still don't even see me as your friend, do you? So how can I be your girlfriend?"

Panic spikes in his chest, like it does at the end of a close set when he sees his serve heading out of bounds. "Ai-chan, I wasn't trying to hurt you. I've known those three for a long time, and-"

She interrupts him. "But you're not dating them. I never wanted to ask you for a lot, Tooru-kun. I know you're busy and I know you're popular and I was happy that I could be important to you anyway. But I'm not important, am I? Compared to everything else in your life." She doesn't sound bitter or defeated or anything, just a little regretful in her certainty.

He's done her so many wrongs that he can't bring himself to pile on another by lying now, though he knows where this is going and knows he's messed up when it counted the most. "I'm really sorry, Ai-chan."

"Me, too." There's a shine to her eyes that lets Oikawa know she wants to cry, but she doesn't let herself. He thinks they might be a little alike, after all. "Hey, did you ever like me? At all?"

"Ai-chan..." It feels like air is refusing to enter his lungs and he has to say something before he suffocates. But there's nothing he can say in his defense. "I'm sorry. You- you deserve better."

There's nothing else for them to discuss, and they both know it. Ai gives one of his hands a light squeeze, and when she lets go, she's already turned away. "Goodbye, Tooru-kun. I hope that-" She takes a shaky breath. "I hope there's someone who can make you happy out there, even if it couldn't be me."

She leaves, and Oikawa sags back against the wall, his mind struggling to comprehend all that just happened. It seems absurd to have just been broken up with in a room full of games and laughter. Everyone around him is smiling with their friends, cheering each other on or playfully trashtalking, and he's leaning against the wall, feeling empty and cold and fumbling with his phone in his pocket so he doesn't look completely stupid.

In a daze, he finally makes his way to the escalators, taking them down until he's back on the first floor. He sees his friends right away. Matsukawa is trying to center a crane over a stuffed animal that vaguely resembles a cat, and Hanamaki is peering into the case from the side, offering positioning advice. Iwaizumi has his back to the machine, watching the escalator with a tiny frown, so he sees Oikawa right away as he descends and steps off to the side out of the flood of people. He doesn't know what Iwaizumi sees in his expression, but it must not be good as his frown deepens, and when Matsukawa fails in his endeavor and he and Hanamaki turn to see him, they frown too.

They clap Iwaizumi on his shoulders and Matsukawa says, "Do your thing, Vice Captain."

They head off, apparently back to the third floor's rhythm games, and Iwaizumi takes Oikawa's wrist and pulls him out of the crowded building until they're in a narrow alley that doesn't see much foot traffic. Even then, he doesn't ask Oikawa what happened or pressure him to talk. He just says, "My place?" and Oikawa nods numbly and follows Iwaizumi to the train station and back to his house.

Iwaizumi closes his bedroom door as Oikawa sits down with his back resting against the side of Iwaizumi's bed. He sits beside him and waits until Oikawa admits, "She broke up with me." Saying the words aloud finalizes it and he wraps his arms around his knees, resting his face on them turned away from Iwaizumi.

"You don't seem surprised," Iwaizumi says, observing him. "You didn't tell her you were seeing the doctor about your knee, did you?"

Oikawa lets his silence be his answer. After awhile, he says, "Was it so bad to celebrate with you guys instead of her?"

"I don't think that's the problem." Iwaizumi doesn't elaborate, and he doesn't have to. Oikawa already knows that while this was the final straw, he's been sabotaging things without meaning to almost since the start. "You didn't know her that well when you decided to date her, right? So it's not that surprising it didn't work out."

"But she didn't do anything wrong," he says, feeling like he should defend her. "I'm the one who messed things up." He hugs his knees tighter. "Do you think there's something wrong with me? And that's why I can't keep a girlfriend?"

"Hey." Iwaizumi puts a hand on his shoulder and pries him away from where he's buried his face in his knees. Oikawa lets him, since he hasn't started crying yet. "We're still in high school, you don't have to worry about things like that so much."

Oikawa shakes his head. "You're wrong, Iwa-chan. This is going to keep happening."

"Stop being so pessimistic. There are always girls who want to date you-"

"And it never works out with any of them!" Oikawa snaps back, more loudly than he intends, but Iwaizumi doesn't look taken aback.

"Then they're not right for you. Unless you're trying to get married right now or something, it's not that big a deal." Iwaizumi scoots around to where he's sitting in front of Oikawa, and that makes it harder for Oikawa to avoid his gaze.

"You don't get it at all," Oikawa mutters.

"Then explain it to me," Iwaizumi says, with far more patience than Oikawa's sure he deserves.

Rather than answer him, Oikawa buries his face again so that he can shed the tears pooling in his eyes. Iwaizumi doesn't say anything else, just lets Oikawa pretend he isn't crying and after a few minutes of silence, he reaches his hand out and wraps it around Oikawa's. It's warm and rough and Oikawa wants to squeeze it tight, draw out the strength Iwaizumi's always given him until he remembers how he felt that day he said he was invincible. But instead he jerks his hand away and stands abruptly.

Iwaizumi looks up at him, eyebrows furrowed. "Oikawa?"

"I have to go," he says. "Sorry for bothering you, Iwa-chan."

"Hey, you didn't-" Iwaizumi starts to say, but Oikawa's already out the bedroom door, putting enough distance between him and Iwaizumi that he can't give into temptation and run back to lace their fingers together like he wanted to as soon as he felt Iwaizumi's hand over his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fast update was sponsored by Golden Week, Japan. It's been nice to have plenty of time to write again.
> 
> This chapter was difficult at first, and I didn't get inspiration until I went to an arcade and watched people play the rhythm games. My favorite was one called Maimai, which is what I based Hanamaki and Matsukawa's game on. I was too intimidated to try any myself, but it was fun just to see different people play together. And yes, there really are crane machines stocked with ice cream. I ended up wasting my money trying to get an Oikawa figure instead of trying anything like that, though.


	8. Chapter 8

In December, Oikawa starts volunteering at his nephew's volleyball school again on Mondays. Volleyball is fun in a completely different way when he's teaching it to little kids who all look up at him with shining, wondrous eyes (except for Takeru, who has a much more realistic image of Oikawa).

"Please show us your jump serve," they beg, as always, after warm-ups.

"Only if you all do your best today!" he smiles at them, and they promise to do just that as he leads them through basic drills.

It's easy to relax in a setting like this. There's no one to impress or show up, and the kids remind him of himself when he was in grade school and first began to dream of conquering the world of volleyball. Back then, before knee pain and crushing defeat and the shame of being benched, all he had was his love for volleyball and the excitement he felt watching games on television or when he convinced Iwaizumi to play with him for a little bit. Sometimes, he needs to be reminded of what that was like.

"Okay, everyone, are you ready?" he asks when the lesson is over, bouncing the ball high and catching it.

They shout with excitement as they crowd the sidelines of the court, wanting to be as close as possible to Oikawa's killer serve. He waves them back until they reluctantly give him more space, and then he tosses the ball up and goes through the near-automatic motions of a jump serve. The kids cheer wildly when it slams down, all running to be the one to retrieve it.

Oikawa laughs, their excitement contagious. "There are more balls in the cart, you know, you don't all have to go running after that one!"

"You look like you're having fun."

The smile's frozen on his face as he half-turns to find Iwaizumi standing beside him. He blinks a few times and his smile fades. "Iwa-chan! What are you doing here?"

"Well, you've been avoiding me, so I had to come all the way out here. You're really troublesome, Shittykawa." He picks up a stray ball and bounces it a few times.

Oikawa turns back to the court. "Then don't go to the trouble," he says simply and thanks the boy running up with the ball Oikawa'd served in hand.

"You know that's not what I meant, you a-" Iwaizumi cuts off the curse as more kids swarm around them.

Takeru lights up when he sees Iwaizumi. "Nii-chan, did you come to see me play?"

Iwaizumi ruffles his hair affectionately, something Takeru always protests when Oikawa does it. "I think I'm a little late for that. I'll come to one of your games sometime, though, okay?"

"Okay!"

"Oh, I know you!" another one of the kids says, pointing at Iwaizumi and looking starstruck. "You play on the same team as Tooru!"

Oikawa sighs at being referred to so casually. "Takeru, your irreverence is rubbing off on everyone. But anyway! This is Iwa-chan, and he's going to be Aoba Jousai's ace next year," Oikawa says, gesturing grandly and sounding a little prideful.

The kids look appropriately awed and demand to see Iwaizumi's spiking, but it's too far past class time now and their mothers are gathering up their bags and coats at the edge of the gym, ready to leave.

"Next time, next time," they plead.

Oikawa scolds them lightly, "Iwa-chan is busy, he can't come here every week. But I'll show you all a new move next time, okay?"

Though they look disappointed for a second, they recover quickly, and bounce over to their mothers happily after thanking him for the lesson. Most of the mothers come over and do the same, so Oikawa's caught up talking to them for another ten minutes, but all the while he's aware of Iwaizumi's presence lingering nearby.

He can't get the accusation of avoiding him out of his mind. It hasn't been anything that dramatic, he doesn't think. Since they're in the same class and have practice almost every day, they're spending most of their time together as usual. And if Oikawa isn't texting him quite as frequently and stays in on the weekends to study or watch recordings of all of Shiratorizawa's games from the last season, well, does that really count as avoiding?

When everyone else has gone, he takes Takeru's hand as they leave the gym too, Iwaizumi on his other side. After an unnaturally awkward silence, Iwaizumi says, "This Saturday's Christmas."

"I know, Iwa-chan, I own a calender too." He jumps to the left after saying this and just avoids being hit. Takeru walks on without paying much attention, more than used to their fighting.

"Idiot. Hanamaki and Matsukawa said something about hanging out on Friday, maybe with some other guys from the team. It's not like any of us have any other plans. Do you want to come?"

"Hm, I don't know, I might be busy." He looks up at the sky ponderingly, a finger to his lips as he pretends to think.

Takeru pipes up, "I thought your girlfriend dumped you."

Oikawa makes a face at him. "Nee-chan isn't teaching you manners very well, is she?"

Takeru shrugs. "I didn't think you were that sad about it."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Oikawa asks, eyebrows raised.

"I mean, you don't even like girls," Takeru says nonchalantly, stopping as they reach an intersection.

Oikawa comes to a stop too, as much out of shock as because of their location. "Excuse me?" he says, suddenly very aware of the roar of his blood in his ears and too afraid to look over at Iwaizumi.

"Well, you don't. You like volleyball and Nii-chan." He tugs at Oikawa's hand as the pedestrian light turns green.

Oikawa laughs, a little shrilly, as he follows half a step behind. "Takeru, you're adorable. I'll have you know I very much like all the girls that adore me so much."

"Whatever," Takeru says, bored with the conversation.

"Kids these days," Oikawa says, daring to look at Iwaizumi again. "I should really get paid for what I do."

"Paid to show off to a bunch of grade-schoolers?" Iwaizumi snorts.

"I don't show off, I'm a great teacher!"

Iwaizumi looks at him for a long second, then looks away. "Yeah. You're not bad."

Oikawa comes to a stop again. "Was that a compliment? Iwa-chan, I'll blush!"

"Shut up, Shi-Oikawa," Iwaizumi says, barely managing to keep from cursing again.

Oikawa grins and starts to make a remark about how jealous Iwaizumi is of his innumerable talents, but Takeru groans and uses both his hands to try to pull him along. "Can you two fight later? I'm hungry."

"You're lucky I'm such a gracious uncle," Oikawa says as he picks up the pace again. The panic he felt when Takeru said too much is starting to subside, but he still feels like a gust of wind would be enough to knock him off his feet, as shaky as he is. He was the same kind of uncannily observant when he was Takeru's age, and he wonders if this is proof of Takeru's lineage, or if he simply has the knack many kids do to see what's obvious but too unexpected for adults to pick up on.

 _Not that he's anywhere close to right_ , Oikawa thinks.

Once Oikawa has seen Takeru to the station that will take him almost directly home, it's just him and Iwaizumi to walk the rest of the way back to their houses. Oikawa digs his hands into his pockets and hums the chorus of an old pop song like he's perfectly at ease.

Iwaizumi asks, "So, are you coming with us Friday or not?"

"So eager for my company," Oikawa teases.

Iwaizumi sighs. "If you're going to keep avoiding me, let me know now so we don't waste our time waiting around for you Friday."

"You're so sensitive, Iwa-chan, who says I've been avoiding you? Of course I'll be there, none of you could have fun without me." He gives him a peace sign and a grin.

Iwaizumi mutters something and Oikawa frowns. "What was that?"

Iwaizumi looks up at him and he's frowning, too. "I said, I bet you're only coming because it's not just me, right?"

As usual, he's read Oikawa with perfect accuracy, and he probably doesn't need a confirmation to know it. "Like I said, so sensitive!" Oikawa laughs. "What reason could I possibly have to not spend time with my best friend?"

"I wish I knew." He pauses at the usual turn-off. "If you ever feel like telling me, I'll listen." Without tacking on a goodbye, he leaves, and it feels like each step he takes puts an entire world between them. Oikawa knows he can't blame anyone but himself, and still he doesn't call out to him.

-

The start of winter vacation is all anyone is talking about that Friday at school. Their morning volleyball practice is the last they'll have for a couple of weeks, and as they're cleaning up, Oikawa can see snow flurry outside the window, gleaming white in the cold sunlight. In the distance, he can see the edge of the sports fields, and he doesn't envy those who've chosen outdoor sports.

He thinks of Ai, running around with cheeks flushed from both exertion and the chill. He hasn't let their break-up affect his volleyball and he's sure the same is true for her and softball. If he thinks about it, it would be strange if things had changed. Ai was right when she said she wasn't that important to Oikawa, and he can admit that to himself. Though he feels rising desperation every time he replays their final conversation, beneath that is relief. He doesn't have to kiss her anymore, doesn't have to pretend to care about future anniversaries, doesn't have to spend Christmas Eve with her.

He knows he isn't supposed to feel this way after hurting someone like he did, and that's why he acts appropriately sad when he breaks the news to his teammates, but any negative feelings he actually has about the situation have nothing to do with heartbreak.

"Are you all ready for tonight?" Matsukawa asks as they change into their school uniforms in the clubroom.

Oikawa nods along with Iwaizumi and Hanamaki, and he finds out Yahaba and Watari are coming too. "What a great opportunity for team bonding!" he says, putting one arm around each of them.

Watari, who is in the middle of fixing his tie, says, "I think it sounds fun. We should make it a team tradition for next year, too."

Yahaba politely wriggles out of Oikawa's hold to grab his jacket. "It won't work if our upperclassmen have girlfriends then, though," he says matter-of-factly, though looks apologetic a second later when he glances at Oikawa, realizing he's brought up a touchy subject.

Watari gives up on straightening his tie. "Well, if that's the case, it could be one of us with girlfriends!" He sounds wishful as he says this.

Yahaba shrugs and arranges his bangs, looking at the mirror attached to the inside of his locker. "Yeah, maybe. Here, let me fix your tie."

As Yahaba makes Watari look presentable, Matsukawa reminds them all of their meeting time and place, then shares a small grin with Hanamaki. Oikawa immediately becomes suspicious.

"What are you two planning?" he asks.

"Nothing at all, Captain," they say together and leave the clubroom.

"I don't trust them," Oikawa mutters, following after them. "At least, not off the court."

Oikawa's unlucky enough to get pinned with cleaning duty, so he's the last to meet up with everyone else after school.

"We were just about to leave you behind," Hanamaki says, straightening up from leaning against an electric pole covered in old ads.

"But then we realized it would be more annoying to hear you complain about being left behind than actually having you there," Matsukawa adds seamlessly.

"I deserve better friends." Oikawa glares at them as Watari hides a grin behind his hand and Yahaba looks guilty over being amused.

They go to a karaoke place a little off the main street, where they have a generous reservation. They get a huge room with couches all along the walls, and Oikawa automatically claims the spot next to Iwaizumi, not that anyone else was heading for it. He's still finding it hard to be close to Iwaizumi when it invites so many unwanted thoughts. But today, with all their teammates all around, he thinks it'll be okay.

A round of soda is brought in as they're fighting over microphones and who gets to choose the first song. Rock-paper-scissors gives the honor to Yahaba, who picks a popular song everyone knows, though Oikawa can see the tablet as he scrolls and how he hesitates over a decades-old song he thinks he remembers from a CD of his mother's. It's like Yahaba to pick what he thinks everyone else will like and hide his own interests, and Oikawa makes a note to pick the song he looked at later, because sometimes Yahaba reminds him of himself and it makes him feel like he should do something for him.

Since there are only two microphones, they let Watari, the other first-year, have the second for this song. They pass the tablet back and forth as they queue up enough songs to last at least half their reserved time. Oikawa chooses bubbly pop songs that he knows from personal experience will annoy Iwaizumi. Matsukawa exclusively chooses English songs, though he's the worst at English out of all of them, and Hanamaki queues three Vocaloid songs in a row before Iwaizumi forcefully pulls the tablet from him.

The microphones get tossed around as their selection plays through. On the third song, Oikawa's choice, he jumps up to stand on the couch like it's a stage, singing the song with gusto as Hanamaki harmonizes with the other mike.

Yahaba studies Oikawa thoughtfully. "I think Oikawa-san could've been an idol if he hadn't gotten into volleyball."

"Don't you dare feed his ego," Iwaizumi says and Oikawa winks at Yahaba and gives him a peace sign without ever pausing from his song.

"Can you imagine," Matsukawa says, "seeing Oikawa's face on a billboard advertising his new single?"

Hanamaki stops singing to say, "'Hit It Till It Breaks,' coming soon to a record store near you."

Oikawa kicks the couch pillow beside him right at Hanamaki, hitting him in the face as the song ends and he bounces back down. "I, for one, think you all should be grateful that I took up volleyball instead of pursuing another of my many talents."

"We are," Yahaba says, taking a sip of his soda. "Eternally grateful."

He sounds genuine enough, but Oikawa sighs and flops back on the couch. "You two are infecting him with your sarcasm," he accuses Matsukawa and Hanamaki. "You're terrible influences."

"That's true," Matsukawa says.

"That's why we can do this without guilt." Hanamaki sets his bag on the table and empties its contents: an impressive variety of canned beer and chuuhai. "Well, actually, I originally thought only you and Iwaizumi would be coming with us, but." He shrugs. "I'm not above turning a blind eye to what the first-years want to do."

"Are you serious?" Iwaizumi asks, looking at a can of apple-flavored chuuhai with annoyance, like it's personally offended him. "We're all underage."

"It's Christmas Eve, so age doesn't count." He pops the tab on a beer and takes a drink, and Matsukawa grabs his own can and does the same.

Yahaba is looking nervously at the door like he thinks an attendant is going to check on their room any second and see them with outside drinks that they aren't even old enough to purchase. Oikawa says, "Look, you're scaring Yahaba-chan, stop being bad upperclassmen."

"Hey, can I try one?" Watari asks, hand hovering over the table uncertainly.

Hanamaki pointedly looks at the wall. "I see nothing, I know nothing."

Iwaizumi groans. "This is a terrible idea, you two."

"I thought you were only Oikawa's mom," Matsukawa says, with a small smirk it looks like he's picked up from Hanamaki. Iwaizumi throws the other pillow from their couch at his head.

"Iwa-chan's not my mom," Oikawa announces and grabs a chuuhai.

"I told you he'd go for the fruity stuff," Hanamaki says, and Matsukawa passes him a hundred yen coin.

"You two are the worst," Oikawa scowls before taking a drink. The liquid is sweet and has only a slight burn as it settles in his stomach. It's not like it's his first taste of alcohol, since his sister sometimes lets him have wine when he comes over for dinner, but he's never been that curious about it. He already has his sweet tooth as a vice and doesn't want to do anything else that's bad for his body. But something suddenly seems very appealing about finding out what getting drunk or at least tipsy feels like. Anything has to be better than the gloomy rut his mind's gotten stuck in.

"Well, that's three out of four," Hanamaki says, shielding his line of sight from Yahaba and Watari so he doesn't have to count them. "What's it going to be, Iwaizumi?"

He rolls his eyes. "No, thanks. Someone has to be sober enough to pay our bill after this."

"Always so responsible," Oikawa says, taking a large gulp.

Eventually, Yahaba gives in too, but Iwaizumi doesn't accept the cans pushed towards him as they resume singing. Oikawa finishes his drink while Watari and Matsukawa sing some rock song none of the rest have ever heard of and reaches for another can.

Iwaizumi knocks his hand away. "Don't drink so much."

"I had one can, and this stuff barely has alcohol in it." At least, it doesn't taste like it does. What it does taste like is warmth spreading through him, making his head a little light. His worries have eased, but they're still fighting for his attention, and he has the feeling a second can would quieten them further. He stubbornly grabs a can and opens it with a loud pop, holding it loosely in one hand like he's daring Iwaizumi to take it from him.

"You're impossible enough as you normally are," Iwaizumi mutters and Oikawa pretends not to hear him as he downs the contents of his new drink.

He feels the effects more clearly this time. There's a certain detachment from his thoughts and laughing has become so much easier and more natural. The others are starting to show signs of intoxication, too. Matsukawa looks sleepier than usual, leaning against Hanamaki's shoulder as he slurs his way through a song. Hanamaki looks no different, but he keeps getting lost in thought when it's supposed to be his turn to sing. Watari's face is all red and Yahaba- actually, Oikawa isn't sure Yahaba has drank enough for it to make a difference. He still has his first can in hand and seems only to take small sips when he isn't singing.

Hanamaki makes some joke about buying enough beer for Matsukawa's eyebrows too next time and Oikawa bursts into laughter again, a far more generous amount than such a joke would normally elicit from him, but everything's a lot funnier now. He reaches for a third can mid-laugh and Iwaizumi shoves him back on the couch with one arm.

"I don't think you need anymore," he says disapprovingly.

Oikawa sticks his tongue out at him. "You can't stop me, Iwa-chan."

"Oh, yeah?" Iwaizumi rolls up his sleeves and Oikawa takes that as his cue to hop over to a different couch, wedging himself between Yahaba and the armrest. From this position, he safely takes another can, sticks his tongue out at Iwaizumi again for good measure, and drinks more. Iwaizumi growls but doesn't move from his seat.

Yahaba becomes bolder as well and finally starts on his second can. The room feels warm and heavy, but not in a bad way, Oikawa notes. He and Yahaba sing a duet from the latest Disney movie that Oikawa had taken Takeru to go see, and afterwards they clink their cans together in a belated toast.

Oikawa is halfway through singing the next song when he registers fingers lightly touching his hair. He turns around, blinking curiously, to find Yahaba looking at him with awe. His face is red now too as he says, "Your hair is really soft, Oikawa-san."

"Um, thanks," he says as Yahaba pets it again. He finds he doesn't really mind. He thinks it would be hard to mind anything right now, if he's being honest. Iwaizumi's beloved Godzilla could attack and he'd probably just laugh again.

"So soft," Yahaba repeats. "I like it." Then his eyes darken. "But you know what I don't like? Kyoutani." He goes into a rant all of a sudden, a bunch of things Oikawa already knew he felt from his observations of Yahaba, but nothing he'd ever heard him voice.

 _So this is the power of alcohol_ , he thinks vaguely as Yahaba starts in on Kyoutani's haircut next. _I better be careful_.

His thoughts as well as Yahaba's passionate speech are interrupted when Matsukawa leans over the table to pet Oikawa's hair too. "Huh. It is pretty soft."

Hanamaki says, "Maybe it's like a magic lamp. Make a wish while you rub Oikawa's hair."

"No way," Oikawa says, pulling away, but not feeling any of the annoyance he'd normally feel at being touched by someone besides Iwaizumi. The alcohol has drained away all of his negative feelings, so he ends up simply relaxing into the touch when Hanamaki stands up to get close enough to reach him.

"I wish that we win Interhigh next year," he says.

Matsukawa puts in his own wish after patting Oikawa's head again. "I wish to win the lottery."

"I wish a girl would notice me," Watari says mournfully, following suit.

"I wish I had hair this soft," Yahaba says, sounding awed again.

"I wish I wasn't in a room of drunk idiots," Iwaizumi groans, picking up Hanamaki's bag and shoving the few unopened cans left back into it. When Hanamaki reaches for the bag, he gives him a warning glare.

Hanamaki sighs and sits back on the couch. "Is this what it feels like to be Oikawa?"

"Not at all, he didn't even hit you!" Oikawa says.

Soon afterwards, their reservation is up and they all hand Iwaizumi money to pay the bill before heading out into the early evening.

"Couples everywhere," Watari sighs.

Yahaba shivers, the cold air seeming to sober him up a bit. "Come on, let's get home." They wave goodbye to the others and head for the train station.

The karaoke place isn't that far from where Iwaizumi and Oikawa live, so they decide to walk back and split up with Hanamaki and Matsukawa. Iwaizumi leaves them with a few choice words about their idea of holiday recreation, but they laugh them off.

Oikawa feels like he's walking on nothing and looks down suspiciously now and then to make sure the sidewalk hasn't disappeared. He's really got to thank those two for smuggling in alcohol. He hadn't known it was possible to forget about all the darkness eating him alive, if only for awhile.

As he chatters on about this and that, Iwaizumi isn't left any pauses in the conversation to contribute until they're about halfway home, on an empty side street as it starts to flurry again. Oikawa knows he's smiling and giggling too much, but he can't help it. He slings an arm around Iwaizumi and says, tongue loosened by intoxication, "Hey, Iwa-chan, you aren't mad at me, right? Sorry I was avoiding you."

Iwaizumi doesn't shake him off like he usually does. Instead, he sighs and slows his pace to accomodate Oikawa's weight leaning against him. "I knew it. But why? What the hell did I do?"

"You didn't do anything," Oikawa says, and he laughs though he distantly knows it's inappropriate timing. "It's a secret."

"What's the point of best friends having secrets?" Iwaizumi asks when Oikawa doesn't say anything else.

"It's because we're best friends," Oikawa explains patiently. "And you're not ever allowed to not be my best friend."

Iwaizumi looks at him as they walk until they have to change directions at the curb. Then he looks straight ahead and says, "Like I need to be told that."

Oikawa's face is very red now and even drunk, he knows it has nothing to do with the alcohol. His eyes linger on Iwaizumi's lips now that he's turned away and he lets himself think of something he buried deep.

_I wonder if I really hate kissing. Maybe I just hated kissing Ai._

_Maybe I just hate kissing girls._

He shudders and Iwaizumi mistakes it for a cold chill. "Come on, let's get you home." He looks over him again and says, "Or maybe to my place. My parents are going to be out late and you look pretty out of it. Your mom would kill you if she saw you right now."

"Whatever you say, Iwa-chan," he says, entirely too weak and tired to think about protesting.

Iwaizumi sets up the guest futon for him, but while he's in the process of doing that, Oikawa collapses on his bed and stretches his limbs out to claim all of it.

Iwaizumi throws the blanket he'd been about to put over the futon at him. "I'm going to go take a shower. You better be out of my bed by the time I get done."

"No promises," Oikawa yawns. When Iwaizumi leaves, he closes his eyes, but he doesn't fall asleep.

All the thoughts he's been actively suppressing and all the ways he's been lying to himself are falling apart, dissolved by the contents of his drinks. And somehow, it isn't as terrifying as it should be, but part of Oikawa thinks the fear will be back tomorrow, or later that night when he's sober again. He doesn't want it to. He doesn't want Iwaizumi to come back into the room and to feel like he needs to run away before he says or does something he'll regret. He just wants to lay there and feel like it's okay to call himself Iwaizumi's best friend despite hiding something like this. He can't hide it from himself any longer, though.

He thinks of Takahashi, voice stuttering midway through his confession.

He thinks of Ai, how his hands never felt quite right when gripping her body.

He thinks of Iwaizumi placing a hand over his, how that was so much more intimate than any kiss he's ever shared with a girlfriend.

He thinks of flipping through volleyball magazines, of how his admiration of the professional athletes' forms there has maybe always gone beyond appreciation.

" _I know you probably don't like boys_ ," his memory of Takahashi says.

"I do," he whispers to the empty room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I can't believe it took 30k words just to get Oikawa to admit he's gay to himself, but he is Oikawa, and he doesn't make anything easy.
> 
> Also, this fic is increasingly becoming my place to stuff all my random Seijou headcanons, and I'm not sorry.


	9. Chapter 9

Oikawa's almost drifted off when Iwaizumi returns from the shower. As he hears the door open, he slams his eyes shut and turns on his side away from the center of the bed, slowing his breathing to mimic sleep. He tries to keep his face smooth and impassive as Iwaizumi turns the light out and walks to the unoccupied side of the bed, though his eyebrows crease when he feels the bed dip as Iwaizumi crawls in next to him.

The buzz from the alcohol is all but gone, so Oikawa can't relax as he lays there, feeling the heat emanating from Iwaizumi. Instead he starts thinking and analyzing, his greatest strengths and worst habits. Iwaizumi hasn't kicked him off the bed, hasn't shaken him awake to tell him to move, though he told before his shower to get on the guest futon.

Not long ago, Iwaizumi complained about how Oikawa's always saying things he doesn't mean. He doesn't think Iwaizumi is so much better in this regard, though. Most of the time, neither of them are that good at expressing their feelings. That's probably why they rely on reading the other's behavior for clues.

And Oikawa can't help but be a little afraid that he's misreading things and that Iwaizumi's getting sick of him. The secret he's harboring now would surely push him over the edge.

_I like boys. He would be disgusted if he knew. I don't have the right to sleep here beside him._

Oikawa thinks all this, but he doesn't move. After all, he's given up on running from his feelings. He doesn't see what else he can do but drown in them.

Iwaizumi shifts on the bed. "I know you're awake, Oikawa."

Oikawa's eyes fly open. "Not true. I'm fast asleep and dreaming about how I'm going to crush Tobio next year. Wouldn't it be cute if he cried when he lost?"

"Your personality sucks."

"Then, your taste in friends sucks!"

"Yeah, probably. Are you sleeping over here?" he asks.

"Yes," Oikawa decides on the spot, mostly because he feels too tired to move but also because he's missed Iwaizumi more than he can say.

"Call your mom, then, she'll worry if you don't let her know."

"Ring ring, Iwa-chan, are you there?"

"Dumbass." Iwaizumi elbows him in his lower back and Oikawa yelps.

"Fine, fine!" He pulls his phone out of his pocket, but feels like typing is too much effort when he's drowsy from drinking and emotional exhaustion, so he unlocks it and tosses it to Iwaizumi. "Do it for me."

"You are unbelievable," Iwaizumi says, but the tone of his voice is so unsurprised that he's proved his own words false. "I can't type like you, I'm not a teenage girl."

"Rude," Oikawa says. "My texts are witty and charming and anyone would be lucky to receive them."

"You're so full of it." He hears Iwaizumi tap around on his screen and mutter something about iPhones being annoying. "Fine, I'll type and you tell me if it sounds like you. 'Staying over at Iwaizumi's-'"

"Iwa-chan's," Oikawa corrects.

"You call me that when you're texting people, too?" Iwaizumi asks and Oikawa can hear him scowling. "Asshole. 'Staying over at Iwa-chan's, I'll be home tomorrow.'"

"Now add some kaomoji."

"Like what? Nevermind, I'll just use the most obnoxious one I can think of." After a few seconds, he says, "Okay, done." He reaches over and places the phone on Oikawa's head.

Oikawa lets it fall beside the pillow, knowing it'll be lost among the blankets come morning. They're quiet for awhile after that, until Iwaizumi says, "Are you going to call me that nickname forever?"

"Yes," Oikawa says. "Because Iwa-chan is Iwa-chan!" Iwaizumi sighs, and the sound's so heavy it makes Oikawa's heart heavy, too. He frowns. "Do you hate it that much?"

"Shut up. You're annoying." The mattress creaks as Iwaizumi turns so that they're back to back on the bed that's really too small for two teenage boys as tall as they are. He doesn't say anything else, which is a relief, because the evasion proves that he doesn't actually mind and just can't say that so Oikawa won't relentlessly tease him.

Oikawa smiles into his pillow. This is the sort of thing he meant when he said "Iwa-chan is Iwa-chan." All of his little habits, his gruff exterior, his warm heart, his perpetual sturdiness, his voice, his hands, and that laugh he hears way too rarely- there isn't a single thing he'd change about Iwaizumi.

But that doesn't mean he's in love with his best friend.

That's what he decides as he drifts off again, a conclusion that keeps him from bolting off the bed and putting a safe distance between them. So he likes guys. Of course he'd wonder if he likes his best friend, of course he'd be confused. But he doesn't. He can't.

So he'll avoid dating girls and he'll never dream of dating a boy. No one ever has to know the truth, and it will never matter that sometimes the lines seem a little blurred when it comes to Iwaizumi. A hint of uncertainty is as much as he'll allow himself.

He will never, ever ruin their friendship.

-

April arrives thrumming with potential and energy, and Oikawa walks into the gym for the first practice of the year full of anticipation. He's received several club application forms and expects a few more indecisive students will join as the week goes on, but there are two students in particular he's already interested in: Kunimi Akira and Kindaichi Yuutarou from his own middle school.

He never saw much of what they could do then as they were fumbling beginners, but he's not blind to their abilities now. While he focused on Kageyama when watching Kitagawa Daiichi's games, he paid attention to the others too, knowing some would be invited to Aoba Jousai. The thing is, they're still not that good, but Oikawa thinks that's just because they've never had a reliable setter, one who can see what they're capable of even when they can't, one who can support rather than demand.

This is his third and final year of high school, and it's time for him to show how brightly he can shine.

"Let's get started, everyone!" he says with a smile, clapping his hands together as practice begins.

"You look like Ushiwaka just announced his retirement from volleyball," Hanamaki notes.

"He doesn't need to, but he might as well, because we're the ones going to nationals this year," Oikawa replies. He divides everyone up for drills, holding back and observing during receiving practice and paying special attention to the first-years when it's time to set for them. He lets Yahaba set to the upperclassmen so he can focus on figuring out the new players' strengths.

Kunimi seems infinitely bored by everything that's going on, and encouragement and criticism are equally likely to make him hang back and halve his effort. Oikawa will have to study him more to figure out what motivates him. On the other hand, Kindaichi is easy to take in at a glance. He craves approval and gets irritated at himself when he messes up. Oikawa is able to get better results quickly by congratulating him for every good play, though he notes with a pout that Kindaichi responds even better to Iwaizumi's encouragement. He supposes a captain isn't supposed to do everything alone, anyway.

A week of practice passes, then two. Volleyball consumes Oikawa heart, soul, and mind, and he forgets that other things matter, that other things aren't going nearly so smoothly, until he walks into his classroom one day and hears the first of the rumors.

"He's _gay_ ," a girl stage-whispers to her group of friends, and his heart stops.

"No way, says who?" one of them asks, not bothering to keep her voice down. It looks like the whole class is listening anyway. Oikawa remains frozen in the doorway.

A guy motions everyone closer. "I heard about that. The soccer club found them in the clubroom all over each other," he says, eliciting squeals of fascinated disgust.

"Isn't Sakurai on the soccer team?" someone asks.

"Not anymore, I heard he quit."

"I bet they kicked him out."

Oikawa remembers how to move and finds his seat, clenching and unclenching his hands on top of his desk as the conversation continues around him. He has no idea who Sakurai is, but that's not important. All that's important is that he let himself forget how weird he is, and now the universe is reminding him there's consequences for being like he is.

He puts the name to a face at lunch, when he looks out the window into the schoolyard and sees two figures sitting far removed from everyone else, hunched over their lunches. He recognizes them as Takahashi and the boy he was with the last time he came to watch volleyball practice. It becomes clear in no time that they're the subject of all the rumors circling about, because everyone in the schoolyard keeps looking their way, yet no one dares get close.

_Idiots_ , he thinks. _You let yourself get caught._

This is why Oikawa hasn't moved forward from admitting how he feels. It isn't worth the backlash. Everything's fine as long as no one knows. He wonders how Takahashi and Sakurai feel being pinned by everyone's stares, what it's like to know the whole school's discussing their love life, rumors spreading faster than normal boosted by the taboo of the whole situation.

On day two, Oikawa sees the graffiti on their shoe lockers.

On day three, he hears muffled crying in one of the bathroom stalls.

On day four, Takahashi doesn't come to school. Oikawa listens in on the conversations around him and learns he transferred to a school across the city. He sees Sakurai walking down the hallway alone, eyes to the ground and arms wrapped tightly around his books. A group of boys makes gagging noises as he walks by, but he doesn't look up.

On day five, he finally hears the ubiquitous topic broached in his own circle of friends. The clubroom is filled with the sense of exhausted satisfaction after a successful practice, and they change much more slowly than they did beforehand, laughing and chatting since they don't have anywhere to be.

At first, Oikawa doesn't notice the conversation taking place near the windows, where Kunimi's drawn the blinds up and the underclassmen are looking out. The clubroom building is parallel to the soccer field, close enough for shouts of "goal!" and "pass it here!" to reach them. That's all Oikawa hears until a name startles him into paying attention.

"So Sakurai's back on the team?" Watari asks, pushing the curtain all the way aside to get a better look.

Even the first-years are in on the gossip apparently, because it's Kunimi that answers in that bored tone of his that makes it seem like he's perpetually stuck in his least favorite class. "He never left. People jumped to conclusions after..." He shrugs, not wasting the energy to finish a sentence everyone knows the end to anyway. Some would call it being tactful, but Oikawa knows he's just that lazy.

He tried to appear not to be listening as he kneeled down in front of his locker and rummaged through his bag for nothing in particular. When he realizes there's a slight tremor to his hands, he feels disgusted with himself, and buries them deeper in the bag so no one else will see.

"I feel so bad for him." Watari peers through the glass with a sympathetic frown. "He's in my class and no one talks to him anymore. And when we have to change for gym class, he has to go to the bathroom to do it because some of the guys won't get changed while he's there."

"That's stupid," Yahaba says. He isn't looking out the window with the others, but is resting his back against it, arms crossed. There's an edge of haughtiness in his voice. "Just because he's gay doesn't mean he's a pervert."

Oikawa rarely hears Yahaba speak so harshly in large groups, save that time at karaoke, but doesn't have time to be surprised about that, as he's more surprised to hear Sakurai being defended. It makes him feel sickly hopeful that he'll be able to get through eavesdropping without wanting to cover his ears.

"But it would be a little weird, right?" Kindaichi responds tentatively, bringing Oikawa's hopes crashing back down. "If he watched you while you changed, I mean." His face turns red like he regrets saying anything, and Oikawa wishes he hadn't. He's very tempted to not toss to Kindaichi at the next practice.

"Why would he?" Yahaba challenges. "He already has a boyfriend."

"Are they even still... dating?" Watari asks, wavering on the word choice as though unsure he can apply it to two guys together. "Since Takahashi changed schools. He kind of looks abandoned, sometimes."

They talk a bit more but can't reach a consensus on whether the two are a couple. Oikawa runs out of ways to look busy and stands up, calling for everyone's attention and speaking as though not a single non-volleyball-related conversation took place as they got changed.

"Good work today, everyone! Remember, we have a practice game with Karasuno next week." He exchanges a meaningful look with Kunimi and Kindaichi. "We're going to test out a potential starting line-up then, so do your best!"

They all give a rowdy cheer of team spirit, save for Kunimi who seems allergic to the concept, and one by one they trickle out until there's only Iwaizumi and Oikawa left to lock the door. Oikawa is both grateful and disappointed that he didn't hear Iwaizumi say anything about Sakurai's situation. On one hand, he can't imagine Iwaizumi being judgmental about it, at least where total strangers are concerned. On the other hand, he doesn't want to be wrong and know that if he slips up just once, he'll lose his best friend.

"Let's go," he says, twirling the keyring around his finger.

Iwaizumi nods and walks down the stairs in front of him, then pauses abruptly and turns back, almost making Oikawa run into him. "You good?"

Oikawa's heart beats faster as he laughs. "Of course. What's with the sudden question?"

"We're going to be playing Kageyama in a match for the first time."

He relaxes somewhat, though his words reawaken a whole other set of worries within him. "It's just a practice match," he says, as though that would ever prevent him from taking it seriously. "And Karasuno has been in decline for years. One genius can't turn all that around."

Iwaizumi continues down the stairs. "Even if it's six geniuses, we'll find a way to beat them."

A slow smile spreads across Oikawa's face at the fierce confidence in Iwaizumi's voice and he hurries down the stairs after him, letting himself indulge in the sentiment.

-

Not five minutes after school the next day, Oikawa finds himself sprawled out on that same metal staircase, his back pressing into the bars lining the side as he clutches his ankle. "Shit, not now," he mutters, the memory of crutches and hospital visits far too vivid in his mind.

"Oh, god, I'm so sor-" The person who ran into him as he was walking up the stairs to get changed and start practice early widens his eyes as he recognizes him, and Oikawa does the same.

It's Takahashi.

Oikawa forgets the pain in his ankle as he looks at Takahashi, who's knelt down on the stair right above him, his hands hovering awkwardly in the air like he wants to help but doesn't know how. He looks down at his hands and puts them in his lap before saying, "I'm so sorry, Oikawa-san, I was in a hurry and wasn't paying enough attention to where I was going. Are you okay?"

Oikawa tries to stand and finds it isn't impossible, though there's a dull ache in his ankle when he puts his weight on it. He winces but nods. "Yeah, I think so." He studies Takahashi carefully. This is the first time he's seen him up close in a year, so no wonder he looks a little different. Older, tired, his eyes darker somehow. But there's still that look of anxious innocence he remembers if he really looks at him. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I-" He breaks off, nods to himself, and then continues. "I came to see Satoru."

Oikawa guesses that's Sakurai's given name and recalls that the soccer team's clubroom is a couple down from the volleyball team's. "Go on, then, I'm fine." He takes a step and winces again. Maybe his ankle isn't quite as unscathed as he'd like to believe. He curses his luck, thinking it's more to blame than Takahashi.

But Takahashi is obviously blaming himself. "Let me help you to the nurse. Please. I mean, if that's okay." His hands are hovering near Oikawa's shoulders, but he seems hesitant to touch him. Oikawa can guess why.

"...Alright. Just to the nurse's." He gives in more easily than usual, because he really does want to make sure he's in good shape for his upcoming match against Kageyama. Takahashi carefully puts an arm around Oikawa, though Oikawa doesn't lean much of his weight against him as they walk. He's smaller, not an athlete, after all.

On the way, he catches Takahashi shoot a look back to the clubrooms more than once. He says, "If Sakurai-kun is waiting on you, you can go on."

"He's not. I mean, he doesn't know I'm here," Takahashi admits.

Oikawa finds that odd, and it must show in his expression. Takahashi smiles thinly and explains, "I haven't been allowed to see him or talk to him since everyone found out. My parents found out too and made me switch schools. I haven't joined a club at my new one yet, but I told them I did so I could come here and try to see Satoru."

"You didn't want to transfer?"

Takahashi looks confused. "Why would I have wanted to?"

"Because..." Oikawa trails off, wondering why he even has to put it into words. "You two were being bullied. Sakurai-kun still is."

Takahashi cringes at that. "It's not fair that he has to deal with that alone," he says. "It wasn't so bad when we were together. I care more about Satoru than what people think about me." He bites his lip and looks at Oikawa. "But, well... You aren't disgusted, are you?"

Oikawa blinks and shakes his head once. Takahashi breathes out a sigh of relief. "That's good. And thank you, Oikawa-san, for not telling anyone when I confessed to you. I don't think I could've handled being outed back then."

"And now?" Oikawa prompts, still finding Takahashi's behavior inexplicable.

Takahashi shrugs a little sadly. "I won't say it's easy, but keeping it a secret wasn't easy either."

They stop in front of the infirmary and Takahashi lets go of him and takes a respectful step back. Oikawa has to ask one more question before he goes. "Is all this worth it?"

Takahashi doesn't hesitate. "Yes. He is worth it." And then he's gone, rushing back to the clubrooms, but Oikawa stands there steeping in something close to jealousy for a minute before pushing his way into the infirmary to find out that his ankle will be okay for the practice match, if he takes it easy until then.

He goes back and forth between replaying Takahashi's troubling words over and over and trying to pretend he never heard them in the first place, so he almost doesn't notice the stares he gets when walking to his classroom the following morning, and it's lunch before he finds out that this time, it's his name that's been thrown into the rumor mill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep getting attached to the OCs I originally was only going to put in a single scene... Oops. I'm glad I can include Kindaichi and Kunimi now, too. I love everyone who went to Kitagawa Daiichi.
> 
> The homophobia is going to be more prevalent in this part, so please be aware of that if it bothers you. It's a little hard for me to write, but if I didn't include it, it unfortunately wouldn't be an accurate depiction, and I want Oikawa's story to be relatable to others who have also gone through similar things.
> 
> Thank you for 500+ kudos!


	10. Chapter 10

It happens while Iwaizumi's gone to the restroom. Oikawa is poking through Iwaizumi's bento and eating bits here and there, thinking that if Iwaizumi is dumb enough to leave a bento with some of Oikawa's favorite foods in it all defenseless on the table, he deserves to have them stolen. He's chewing on a croquette when his ears automatically perk up at the sound of his name.

He doesn't turn around, but he tilts his head to better hear the hushed conversation taking place across the classroom. Though he strains to hear, he can't make out more than mumbles until another name is spoken. Takahashi's name. He pales and lowers his chopsticks, the half-eaten croquette tucked between them.

"There's no way," a girl responds resolutely. "Oikawa-kun isn't like that."

Someone else shushes her and Oikawa presses his chopsticks together too forcefully, squishing the food they're holding.

"Hey, dumbass, if you're going to eat my food, don't waste it."

Oikawa looks up, startled, as Iwaizumi slides into his seat and snatches his bento back. He steals one of Oikawa's riceballs as revenge before frowning at him. "You look weird."

"That's rude." Oikawa forces down another bite, though he's feeling nauseous. "And untrue, as I invariably look incredible."

"Yeah, incredibly weird." Iwaizumi narrows his eyes. "Your ankle's doing okay, right?"

"No problem there," Oikawa says. "Though I have to get it checked out by the nurse before the game tomorrow. Coach's orders."

"If someone doesn't make you look out for your health, you won't. Looks like our coach finally realized that." Iwaizumi takes a long drink from his bottle of tea, and in that span of silence, Oikawa tries to hear if anyone's still talking about him, but he can't discern anything specific in the din of voices.

"I'm not that irresponsible. If I was, I wouldn't be the great captain that I am," Oikawa says.

"It's different, you recognize that other people have limits."

"Limits are disgusting." Oikawa wrinkles his nose. "I wouldn't let a little thing like _limits_ hold me back."

Iwaizumi gives him that look of enraged calm that means he's two seconds away from an early grave. "Well, that's my cue to leave!" Oikawa says brightly, swiping another bite of Iwaizumi's bento before tossing his chopsticks down and leaving the room with a slight limp.

"Where the hell are you running off to?" Iwaizumi calls after him and receives only a peace sign in reply.

He doesn't have a destination in mind. He just wants to get to the bottom of whatever gossip's attached to his name. Aside from when he's injured, he likes hearing his name passed around school, all the admiration that pours out when he's given a star performance in volleyball. But this time something is different. Something is wrong. The gossip isn't accompanied by impressed looks. Instead, when he catches someone looking at him, they seem uncertain and quickly turn away. He lurks about for a few minutes, trying to overhear what's being said as all the lunch he stole threatens to come back up.

"Hey, Ai, have you heard what they're saying about Oikawa-kun?"

He stops at the bottom of a stairwell, where he can't be seen by those on the landing above him. A voice he hasn't heard in months says, "Huh? Oh, that. What about it?" Ai sounds unconcerned, unlike whoever is questioning her.

"I mean, he was your boyfriend. Do you think it's true? Is he gay?"

There's a long pause and Oikawa digs his fingernails into his palms as he waits for Ai to say something.

"Nah," she finally does. "It wouldn't be my business now anyway. I don't think it's anyone else's business, either."

The voices fade away and Oikawa returns to his classroom right as the bell is ringing. Iwaizumi's already disappeared and it's the first time he's grateful that they're in separate classes again. He has a smile on, but it's not very convincing, and he knows it would never have fooled Iwaizumi.

When he gets to afternoon practice, he knows right away that most, if not all, of his teammates have heard the rumors. Who's on the volleyball team is common knowledge, so if there's information desired on Oikawa, everyone knows who to turn to. He gets curious looks, but no one says anything to him, though he notices Kindaichi waits to change until his back is turned. Iwaizumi acts the same as usual, but it isn't a relief to Oikawa, because he doesn't know what it means.

For the first time since the day they broke up, he truly wishes he was still together with Ai. At least then this wouldn't have happened. He wonders if that is what it will take: having another girlfriend as camouflauge. He thinks about having to kiss a girl again and accidentally slams his locker shut.

"Whoa, what did the locker ever do to you?" Matsukawa asks.

"Guess I don't know my own strength." Oikawa grins. "I almost feel sorry for the volleyballs I serve."

"Better not feel sorry enough to hit them any weaker. We're going to need them for tomorrow, right?" Hanamaki asks, brow cocked.

Kindaichi and Kunimi exchange a sullen look. Oikawa claps them on the shoulders and steers them towards the gym. "Come on, time for one final practice before we crush Tobio!" It seems to enliven Kindaichi, at least, and as usual volleyball takes Oikawa's mind off the world that lays beyond it.

The next day, Oikawa can tell the rumors have spread further. But unlike the rumors about Takahashi and Sakurai, these are met with a fair amount of backlash and disbelief. Most of the girls don't want to believe someone they've had a crush on is gay, and he actually hears some guy say that he can't be gay because he's an athlete.

He keeps his smile on, but he's breaking apart bit by bit from the pressure, because really, it doesn't matter if the rumors die down and everyone agrees it was a coincidence he was with Takahashi. After all, they're not wrong. He is gay. He does like guys. And this is what they think of that, that if it's true, he's a freak.

Oikawa has always been popular, but he's never before been so aware of how fickle and shallow popularity is.

As if his week hasn't been going badly enough, when he goes to the nurse after school to get the okay his coach demanded, she's taking care of a student who fainted from heatstroke at softball practice. After making sure it isn't Ai, all he can do is sit impatiently, twisting his fingers together and thinking that Kageyama must have arrived by now, is probably in the middle of warming up. It was his suggestion to the coach that arranged this practice match and now he's missing valuable observation time, all because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

At long last, the nurse calls him over and examines his ankle. He tries to answer her questions as quickly as possible without being disrespectful, and when she says he can play volleyball, he hops off the bed, thanks her, and all but runs to the clubroom to change.

As much as he's in a hurry, when he gets to the gym, he walks in slowly, the girls who've gathered there to watch the practice match crying out happily when he appears. At least not everyone knows about the rumors, or they just doesn't believe them. He waves at the girls, looking as many as he can in the eye for good measure, and walks over to the coach, as though he isn't yearning to pin Kageyama with his stare and look nowhere else.

"How's the ankle?" the coach asks.

"All better!" Oikawa says, barely able to keep still as he's itching to stand on the court.

He's ordered to warm up. As he jogs past his teammates, Iwaizumi tells him to hurry up and get his ass on the court, and he gives his vice captain a salute. Warming up takes time, but it's far from wasted. He scrutinizes all of Karasuno for strengths and weaknesses, and there are so many of the latter that he's a little surprised Kageyama chose a school like this; they don't even have a libero.

Kageyama, of course, shines with talent. He's better than the last time Oikawa saw him- and this time, he has someone who can keep up with him. But Karasuno's defense is lacking, and their strong points can be matched or overpowered by Aoba Jousai's players. Oikawa's sure of this.

Before long, he's in the game, ball in hand and taunting smirk stretched across his face. He aims for Karasuno's weak links again and again.

It isn't enough.

-

Realistically, Oikawa knows they probably would've won if he'd been on the court the whole time. Yahaba apologizes profusely for being a poor stand-in, bowing deeply to him, but Oikawa puts a hand on his shoulder and makes him straighten back up.

"What matters is that we've learned what Karasuno is capable of. Their most effective weapon, that freak quick, can be stopped now that we know to expect it," he says.

Iwaizumi nods. "All of you did good today. Go home and rest. We'll practice and get better every day from now on."

As before, Oikawa and Iwaizumi are the last two to leave. Oikawa takes awhile getting changed. He keeps narrowing his eyes in focus, replaying the game, analyzing Kageyama's technique. Iwaizumi comes over and nudges him where he's sitting and putting his shoes on, lacing them slowly.

"You're still better than he is," he says.

"That goes without saying." Oikawa finishes tying his shoes and opens the door for them to leave.

"You disappeared earlier. Did you go to taunt him?"

"I wasn't _taunting_ him," Oikawa says. "Just challenging him. When it's an official match, I'm going to destroy him."

"You're seriously five years old," Iwaizumi sighs, following him out into the muggy evening.

They stop at the bottom of the staircase when they see a girl standing there, waiting. Oikawa notices an envelope with his name in her hand, and the familiarity of the scenario almost puts him at ease, but he's reluctant to receive another confession from a girl.

"U-um, Oikawa-san, if you're not busy..." She meets his eyes and looks back down at the ground.

"I'm not," he assures her. "What can I do for you?"

Iwaizumi starts walking again. "I'm going on ahead."

"Sure, see you later!" he says, still observing the girl.

She holds the letter up and timidly meets his eyes again. "I was planning on giving this to you all week, but maybe you don't want it?"

He frowns. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just... I heard about you and Takahashi-kun, so maybe you don't want this from... me?"

_You and Takahashi-kun._

Oikawa remembers the long walk from the clubrooms to the nurse's office with Takahashi's arm around him and wills himself not to start panicking again. It's okay. He can fix this.

"Hm, I don't really know what you mean?" Oikawa acts like he's trying to remember something, lips pressed together in concentration, then he shakes his head like he's come up blank. "Takahashi-kun helped me to the nurse's office after I twisted my ankle. Then he said something about seeing Sakurai-kun and ran off."

She looks at his foot, unconvinced. He realizes his story seems unlikely, since he just got out of a practice match. "Right. Um, I'm sure you're busy with volleyball anyway. So I won't bother you anymore." She bows, fast and awkward, and rushes off without giving him the letter.

Oikawa stares after her and feels something slow and heavy, so very heavy, seep from his veins to spread through his whole body. It's like cement is hardening within him, like it's weighing him down until he'll never be able to move again. His breathing becomes shallow as he thinks of Takahashi saying Sakurai is worth everything.

That can't be true. Nothing could be worth this. No one could know this about him.

Especially Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi isn't interested in gossip as a general rule, but if someone's talking about his best friend, he's bound to hear sooner or later.

_But it's just gossip_ , Oikawa reminds himself. _There's no proof. I date girls. Everyone knows I date girls._

He texts Iwaizumi not to wait for him and leaves through the school's rear gates. He heads vaguely in the direction of his house, but with enough twists and turns that he ends up several streets over at the bottom of a stone staircase leading up to a small temple. Without thinking about it, he walks up the stairs with his hands in his pockets and finds that he's the only one there. He stands in front of the altar, staring down at thousands of yen coins glinting in the fading sunlight.

Today was supposed to be about showing Kageyama up. He wasn't supposed to lose. He wasn't supposed to end up as the latest, hottest gossip and for the gossip to be true.

He's supposed to be Oikawa Tooru, star athlete and beloved by all, or at least beloved by all strangers. It seems like he can't get any part of that right anymore.

He reaches for the cord of rope hanging down in front of the altar and shakes it to ring the bell. He claps twice, closes his eyes, bows, and makes his wish.

_I wish I could be normal._

He straightens up but leaves his eyes closed in an attempt to keep the tears that have welled up from falling. He already knows his wish can't be granted. He won't wake up one day and feel like kissing girls, and one day his family will start to pressure him to get married, and maybe they'll figure it out when he refuses and they'll wonder where they went wrong raising him. He'll watch all his friends get married to girls. He'll be Iwaizumi's best man.

The thought hurts and it shouldn't.

He checks his phone for the first time since leaving school.

_Message received, 7:14 p.m.  
we'll beat them next time_

He lets out a strangled laugh. It's almost charming that Iwaizumi thinks he ran off because they lost the practice game. After wiping away the few tears that escaped, he leaves the temple grounds and returns home.

-

He doesn't pay attention in class the next day. He stares out the window, chin cradled in his palm, hoping he can trick his mind into thinking he's as apathetic about all this as he's acting. He tunes out the conversations around him today, because if the rumors are gaining traction, he doesn't want to hear it. Iwaizumi comes to eat with him during lunch, and when he mentions Oikawa's strange behavior, he manages to play it off like he's just upset about losing the game.

He never even considers the possibility of being directly confronted until after school, when he's heading for volleyball practice and is stopped at the end of the hallway by three guys he doesn't recognize.

They were waiting for him, he realizes. The hallway is empty otherwise, and no one is on the staircase that lay right past them. He raises an eyebrow and makes to go past them, but one of them slides over in front of him so he can't pass.

"Oikawa, right?" he asks, as though there's any doubt. "We've heard a lot of people talking about you lately."

"So what else is new?" Oikawa asks with an innocent half-smile. He recognizes this trio now. He saw them coming out of the bathroom right before he went in and heard crying the other day.

"We're not talking about volleyball," a different one cuts in. Oikawa thinks he might be on the basketball team. With his height, it actually would be surprising if he isn't. "Right, Sakurai?"

The name shocks Oikawa, but when he turns to the third guy, he can see a clear resemblance to Takahashi's boyfriend. A relative, then.

Sakurai shifts uncomfortably on his feet but nods. "Everyone heard you were with that fag Takahashi. He had his arm around you and everything." He says the words like he's trying them out, but his hesitance doesn't lessen the sting at all.

There's no point in denying that he was with Takahashi, though he curses himself for having been so careless. He mixes two of his personas and replies with cold politeness, each word a shard of ice. "And so? What's the problem here?"

"You." The first guy shoves him without warning, and he stumbles back a step. "You should get out of our school too if you're like that."

His breath catches in his throat as the reality of the situation sinks in. He's tall, powerfully built, but that's true for these three too. They're all probably athletes as well, and three on one are odds he doesn't like at all.

"But I'm not _like that_ ," he echoes the hateful words and turns slightly, wondering if he can leave the other way, but they move with him. He drops any sense of formality and glares at them, voice becoming something darker and more threatening. "You're jealous that I'm so popular with girls so you're trying to start rumors. Is that it?"

"Doesn't matter if girls like you, does it?" the second one counters. He's unnervingly close, but Oikawa refuses to flinch.

"It's a shame your brother came to this school," the first one says to Sakurai. "He must be contagious."

Oikawa finds this Sakurai the most repulsive of the three. He can easily read the motivations in his conflicted eyes. Being gay was social suicide for the younger Sakurai, but it must've been a hit to the older one's reputation too. So now he's trying to prove himself, and Oikawa's the unfortunate casualty.

Sakurai clenches a fist. "Then we'll take care of it," he says, sounding a little more certain this time, and steps closer so that Oikawa's crowded on all sides.

Then there's a new voice. "Hey, dumbass, are you coming to practice or not?"

All four of them turn their heads and Oikawa sees Iwaizumi standing in the middle of the hallway with his arms crossed, already changed into the aqua uniform Oikawa's told him countless times doesn't suit him at all. He's torn between relief and fear that Iwaizumi overheard them.

Iwaizumi is only looking at him, but from his tense posture and the dark look in his eyes, Oikawa knows his attention is on the others as well and that he's ready to surge forward if they make another move. The other three can also sense this, and after sizing Iwaizumi up, they slink away.

Iwaizumi comes up to him. "What the hell was that about?" he asks, looking behind him to make sure the others have truly left, but numbness is fighting adrenaline in Oikawa's body and he doesn't know how to answer him.

_"I won't say it's easy, but keeping it a secret wasn't easy either."_

He thinks he understands what Takahashi meant by that. The truth is half-formed in his mouth and he clenches his teeth closed to keep it in. The rumors hurt, but denying himself over and over and over again hurts too. He wants to be normal, but he's not, and he thinks he's found another one of those limits of his that he hates so much, because he can't take this anymore.

He sounds almost detached when he speaks. "They were under a few impressions. Like that I'm gay, and that gay people should be beaten up, for instance." Just saying the word "gay" without admitting anything is hard. He doesn't think it's a nice word at all.

Iwaizumi looks bewildered, so maybe he really hasn't heard any of the rumors. But Oikawa knows it would've just been a matter of time. And then he would've put the pieces together, tracing it all back to their fight last year when he told Oikawa he was acting weird. He's going to know what Oikawa doesn't want to say, and that's both suffocating and freeing to think. He doesn't have a choice anymore, so he doesn't have to fight it.

"What...?" Iwaizumi starts to ask, shakes his head, and tries again. "Why did they think that?"

Oikawa lets himself just look at Iwaizumi for a few moments, trying to memorize what his eyes look like before he potentially fills them with revolt. It's pointless, he immediately realizes. He's got those eyes and everything else already memorized.

"Maybe because... I am?" He can't breathe but he keeps talking anyway, because the words have been stuck in his throat for so long, it's no wonder he's choking on them. "I am gay?"

It comes out like a question, and as soon as he says it, he regrets it. It's not something that can ever be taken back, though. He turns around before he can see how his words have affected Iwaizumi.

"Practice time, right?" he says, trying to make his voice light but his anxiety leaking out in it all the same. He takes quick steps away from Iwaizumi and he hears him follow after, but Iwaizumi doesn't say anything, and Oikawa's not sure he's ever felt more terrified in his life.

He goes past the gym to the clubroom to change. Everyone else must already be at practice, and he pulls out his own clothes in a haze. Instead of getting dressed, he stands in front of his open locker, looking down at the shirt in his hands but not seeing it at all.

He shouldn't have said anything. Now he's going to lose the one person he needs. His hands start to tremble and he's on the verge of tears as he replays his confession. It was the first time he said anything like that aloud.

The door to the clubroom opens and he inhales sharply when he hears familiar, heavy footsteps come in. He opens his mouth without turning around, ready to say something like "Shouldn't you be at practice, Iwa-chan?" but Iwaizumi speaks first.

"I don't care if you like guys, Oikawa."

Oikawa slowly puts his shirt down and turns his head to look at Iwaizumi, who's closed the door behind him. He's got his normal expression on, serious and a little scary to those who don't know him. What he said is what Oikawa's been too afraid to hope to hear, but he doesn't believe him. It can't be how he really feels.

"Of course you do. You have to." Oikawa looks down. "It's weird, right? I'm weird."

"Yeah, you're weird," Iwaizumi says calmly, crossing over to him. "But not because of this." He waits until Oikawa meets his eyes. "You were trying to tell me this for a long time."

Oikawa shakes his head. "No. I didn't want you to know. I didn't want..." _For you to hate me_. He only thinks it but he knows Iwaizumi hears it all the same.

"You fucking idiot," Iwaizumi scowls, pinching his cheek hard. "Why can't you believe me the first time I say something? Listen to me. _I don't care if you like guys_."

This time, Oikawa can't doubt his sincerity, and it makes the tears he's fighting spill over. If only a little, his fear fades, and there's a tiny bit of warmth that ignites in his chest, soothing his numbness. "Iwa-chan..."

Iwaizumi sighs. "Come here." He pulls Oikawa into a gruff hug. "We're not just partners on the court. You can't carry everything alone, so stop trying to."

He lets go of Oikawa, who wipes at his tears and nods. The hug proves it. Iwaizumi isn't rejecting him. They can still be best friends and he doesn't have to hide things anymore, at least from one person- the only person who really matters.

Iwaizumi asks, "So what was with those guys, Oikawa?"

The warmth fades as he remembers the confrontation. Iwaizumi accepting him hasn't changed the rest of the world's opinion. "You're really dense if you haven't heard yet," he sniffles. "I was with Takahashi-kun and everyone jumped to conclusions. They got the wrong impression about us, but..." He shrugs. "The right impression about me, I guess."

"With Takahashi?" Iwaizumi echoes, frowning as he follows what Oikawa's saying.

"Yes. He confessed to me a year ago. It was what made me start questioning things. So when I saw him again, I was curious about some things, and someone must've seen us talking together."

"A year ago, huh." He blinks. "Did you know when you started dating Sasaki?"

Oikawa feels guilty when he thinks about Ai. "I wasn't positive, but I hated kissing her so much," he admits. He runs a hand through his hair, tugging on the ends nervously. "I never got why everyone always made such a big deal about kissing. And I thought I was too dedicated to volleyball to take a relationship seriously and that's why I never felt anything." He half-laughs, though it isn't funny at all to him. "Guess I know why now."

Iwaizumi nods, taking the time to consider all his words, and asks, "What are you going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said there were rumors," Iwaizumi says.

Oikawa tilts his head. "What are you talking about? There's only one thing I can do. Keep denying it until everyone finds something new to talk about." He thinks of something else and bites his lip. "Maybe you should keep your distance until then, so no one thinks you're a freak too."

In a flash, Iwaizumi's grabbed him by his collar and shoved him back against a locker, scowling darkly. "Shut the hell up with all this 'freak' and being 'weird' shit! It doesn't matter what some people think. It doesn't change who you are just because you like guys instead of girls."

Oikawa winces from how hard Iwaizumi pushed him. "It's not _some_ people, it's almost everyone, Iwa-chan!"

"Yeah, well, they're wrong. Don't let them control how you feel about yourself."

"You say it like it's so easy." Oikawa's scowling now, too. It's not like Iwaizumi doesn't know that he's always had a hard time separating his self-worth from how others view him.

"That's not-"

They hear footsteps approaching and Iwaizumi lets go of Oikawa, who wipes at his face once more to make sure all traces of tears are gone. The door opens to reveal Kunimi.

"Coach sent me to tell you two to hurry up," he says, though he himself doesn't appear in a hurry at all.

"We're coming," Oikawa says. He changes into his gym clothes in record time and the three of them return to the gym together, where Oikawa gets a hefty scolding for being late.

Practice is surprisingly bearable. Oikawa's somewhat in a daze from how much happened in the brief space between school and practice, but one thing stands out above all the rest, and it's that Iwaizumi did not turn his back on him. He can tell Iwaizumi has more to say on the matter from the serious glances he catches during practice, but it isn't him that brings it up in the clubroom after.

Hanamaki's leaning casually against his locker and checking his phone when he says, "Oh yeah, Oikawa, why didn't you tell us?"

He immediately has a bad feeling. "Tell you what?"

As is often the case, Hanamaki and Matsukawa trade off speaking, as though they make up a single participant in a conversation. Matsukawa says, "Some heartbroken first-years came up to us during lunch to ask if the rumors were true."

"Which, of course, made us realize we'd never even made a bet on the subject, so all we could do was redirect them to your PR manager."

"Who they seemed too intimidated to talk to."

Their words are obscure, but Oikawa gets the gist. It's just another of their jokes. They aren't taking the rumors seriously, because why would they? Of course it's a joke to them. It should be laughable to anyone that someone as popular with girls as Oikawa is would be gay. Iwaizumi's gone quiet from where he was talking with Kindaichi, and now it seems like everyone's listening.

Oikawa gives a dazzling smile the says it's all a joke to him, too. "You didn't have to trouble Iwa-chan like that! Honestly, can you believe how little some people have to do with their time? I suppose that's the burden of popularity. There are always going to be jealous people trying to ruin my good name."

Hanamaki and Matsukawa laugh and start poking fun at Oikawa's so-called good name. Kindaichi looks visibly relieved to hear Oikawa indirectly deny the rumors. The only other reaction Oikawa can see is Iwaizumi's. He's scowling down at his bag as he shoves his things into it.

Oikawa finishes packing up his own things and leaves with Iwaizumi, but not before Hanamaki gets in one more comment about how Oikawa should start flirting with the opposing team to distract them before matches. He fakes a laugh, but cuts it off the moment the door is shut behind them.

Both he and Iwaizumi are quiet until they leave the school grounds. Then they both open their mouths to speak at once and pause, looking at each other.

"Go ahead," Oikawa says.

Iwaizumi pauses another moment, then he says, "I can see why you don't want to tell other people."

Oikawa laughs weakly. "If this is how my friends are acting..." He looks up as he talks, eyes focused on a lone star outshining the city lights. "Well, I've already seen how other people are acting just with the suspicion."

Iwaizumi sighs. "I think you could tell Hanamaki and Matsukawa, though. I don't think they'd actually care."

"Well, I care, and I don't want them to know." He looks at Iwaizumi sharply. "Don't tell anyone, Iwa-chan."

"You think I would?" Iwaizumi raises an eyebrow at him. "It's your business, Oikawa. But what are you going to do about the rumors?"

He takes a moment to compose himself and gives Iwaizumi the kind of smile he usually reserves for his fangirls. "Remind them all that I'm the Oikawa-san they adore, of course!"

Iwaizumi stops walking but Oikawa goes on. He knows Iwaizumi hates his fake smiles, but they're the best weapon he has for sorting all this out. Before long, he hears footsteps again, and Iwaizumi catches up to him wordlessly.

There's nothing else he could say, anyway. This _is_ Oikawa's business, and it's his choice if he wants to swallow the truth back down and keep living this lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I was writing this chapter, the tragedy in Orlando happened. I'm still in shock about what happened. Even though I live in Japan now where hate crimes are rare, I feel as though I can't visit my home anymore, because I'm scared to be killed for being gay. Writing this fic was hard from the start, but now it's become harder, and so I wanted to say something. The homophobia in this story isn't just there for angst. These are real experiences, my own and those of other people, and they are the sorts of acts that foster a culture where a monster kills dozens of people just because they are gay.
> 
> I know some of you relate to the experiences in here. If you do, know that I understand, and know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are normal. If you don't, please respect that this isn't just some fictional drama. This stuff happens every day and it tears people apart, like Oikawa's suffering now.
> 
> Don't forget Orlando. Don't stop fighting homophobia.


	11. Chapter 11

The third time Iwaizumi follows him to the bathroom that week is when he snaps.

Oikawa catches his reflection in the mirror where he's fussing with his hair and turns around to confront him, arms crossed. "Seriously? This is worse than trying to be my mom, you're like my babysitter or something."

Iwaizumi doesn't back down. "You almost got your ass kicked last week. What are you going to do if you get cornered again?"

"That was after school and anyway, I think you scared them enough. I don't need to be escorted to the bathroom in the middle of the day." Oikawa washes his hands, shaking them dry as he walks past Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi follows him back out into the hallway, speaking in a low voice so no one else will hear. "I still hear rumors, Oikawa."

"I'm handling it," he insists. "Just watch me."

He scans the hallway and sees a girl struggling to close her overstuffed locker. Several papers slide out before she manages to and looks flustered as she bends over to pick them up. "Perfect timing," Oikawa says, going over to help her gather her things. He's helpful and sweet and just a touch flirty and he can tell it isn't lost on her when she accepts the papers with a blush, bowing to thank him. A couple of other girls walking by notice and he watches out of the corner of his eye as they start whispering to each other.

He walks back to Iwaizumi, looking smug. "And that's how you start a chain reaction. You should take notes, Iwa-chan. If you could be a tenth as clever as I am, then maybe you could be popular one day too!"

Iwaizumi looks unimpressed, which dampens Oikawa's spirits slightly. "That's your master plan? Pick things up for girls until everyone believes you're attracted to them?"

He deflates further. "Well, when you put it like that... But you'll see!" He pauses, considering. "Maybe I should get another girlfriend."

"No, you shouldn't," Iwaizumi immediately replies. "That's not fair to you or whatever girl you'd pick."

Oikawa knows he's right, but the temptation remains. It seems like such an easy solution. But then he'd be back in that same cycle of trying to please a girl he couldn't like and feeling an uncomfortable mix of despair and relief when the relationship inevitably ends. He can't do that to himself again.

"Then we'll win the Interhigh and everyone will be too focused on that to gossip about my love life," he decides instead.

"That's more like it. Now move it, I need to cram for a test."

That's how the rest of lunch goes, with Iwaizumi speed-reading notes and Oikawa humming loudly to distract him. It's so normal that he can almost relax. It still seems surreal that Iwaizumi hasn't distanced himself at all. Looking back, Oikawa thinks of all the times he avoided Iwaizumi because of his secret, but now that Iwaizumi knows, they've been spending all their time together as usual. He doesn't tell Oikawa not to touch him. He doesn't even mind sleeping over with him. If only a little, it's given Oikawa room to breathe, and with Iwaizumi by his side, he feels like he can handle whatever the rest of the school throws at him.

Though he does wish Iwaizumi wasn't being quite so literal about this "by his side" thing. He never intended to burden him, but Iwaizumi barely lets him out of his sight at school anymore. He supposes he should be grateful, but it makes him feel weak because he's never been able to stomach the thought of not solving his own problems by himself.

As the days pass, Iwaizumi's vigilance continues, but the rumors die down at last. Everyone's bored of speculation with no proof. Sakurai is mostly ignored too, since without his boyfriend around he's a lot less interesting of a target. Whenever Oikawa passes him in the hall or sees him through the window at soccer practice, he thinks not of him but of Takahashi and how he disrupted so much of Oikawa's life despite only speaking to him a grand total of two times. He wonders if the students at his new school know about him and if he has an Iwaizumi who accepts him.

By the time the Interhigh approaches, things are back to normal. There are new confessions every week and his fans crowd the gym and croon over his powerful serve. No one acts strangely towards him in the clubroom and all the team talks about is upcoming games and strategies.

He feels like two people. One is Captain Oikawa Tooru, vibrant and popular and nothing more than exactly what people see in him. The other is the shadow that clings to this persona, rife with insecurities and jealousy and who isn't quite so normal.

Sometimes, there's enough happiness surrounding him that the shadow disappears and he's one with himself, one with his friends. It happens when his team defeats Karasuno, meaning he defeats Kageyama, a hard-won victory that showcases their strength and unity.

And then the shadow returns, its grip tightening to the point of pain, when Shiratorizawa beats them.

Again.

With every loss it gets harder to say, "Next time, we'll win." They only have one more next time and it isn't until fall's national preliminaries.

He spends the night after their loss with Iwaizumi, though it's not by choice. Iwaizumi literally drags him back to his house and refuses to let him go home "to sulk or some shit" as he puts it. The bitter sense of failure doesn't fade, but it is joined by something else, some sort of warmth as Iwaizumi puts in one of their favorite movies and throws a bag of popcorn at him. When it's just them sitting together on the couch they've spent countless hours on since childhood, it feels like the world isn't so fragile as to collapse from one loss after all.

-

Oikawa should've known that after last year's training camp, this one's bound to be cursed too. He thinks he's in the clear when none of the other participating schools is Shiratorizawa. Johzenji won't be there this year either, he hears, so he doesn't have to worry about running into the guys he saw kissing before, though he's not sure if that matters now that he's stopped lying to himself. But as it turns out, the whole thing goes to hell before it can properly start.

The training camp is being held half an hour's bus ride away and they're supposed to meet near the school's gates midmorning. Oikawa suggests they all get together for breakfast at a cafe across the street beforehand and the whole team meets up, taking up the back half of the cafe with coffee cups and pastries piled up in front of them. They scoot their tables together so they can all talk easily and steal tastes of each other's food.

Oikawa savors his milk bread, drinking extra coffee to help him survive having woken up so early, and for awhile he simply listens to the others. This is almost the literal definition of happiness for him: surrounded by his teammates, feeling nothing but their harmony. He smiles into his coffee cup as he takes a sip.

Iwaizumi notices and nudges him. "You look like you're in a good mood."

Hanamaki yawns from across the table. He's perhaps the only person Oikawa's ever met who hates mornings more than he does. "How do you do that, Iwaizumi? I can't tell when Oikawa's smiling for real and when he's plotting something."

"I thought Oikawa was always plotting something," Matsukawa says as he picks apart his maple bread.

"I'm not," Oikawa says. "You just don't know me like Iwa-chan does."

"That's at the top of my list when I count my blessings," Hanamaki says before launching into another yawn.

Oikawa considers flicking a bit of milk bread at him but decides that would be a tragic waste. He settles for saying, "The top of that list should be that you know me at all."

He notices Kindaichi and Kunimi exchanging a look and realizes this is their first real exposure to team bonding, or at least to Aoba Jousai's version of it. He smiles a bit wider, thinking that they're in for an interesting three days.

"Okay, you are _definitely_ plotting something," Matsukawa says warily.

"I'm not!" Oikawa protests again. "Tell them, Iwa-chan!"

"He's not," Iwaizumi confirms. "That's his genuine smile, not his scheming one."

"Huh. They look the same to me," Matsukawa says.

"Yeah, both are creepy," Hanamaki adds.

"That's it, as captain I am vetoing this current topic of conversation and I forbid anyone to comment on how I look again, unless it's in an envious or admiring way, of course." Oikawa makes a time-out symbol as though that will force them to pause their stream of insults.

"I don't think that falls under the authority of the captain," Matsukawa says.

Oikawa sighs dramatically. "The truly incredible are never appreciated in their lifetime."

After a few more back-and-forth jabs, the conversation drifts here and there like an indecisive river until Watari's face goes red and he sinks down in his seat, grabbing a menu and holding it upright on the table in front of him. He isn't very subtle about it and everyone at the table follows his line of sight to the door that's just opened. A girls walks in, her curly black hair bouncing as she heads for the register to order.

Yahaba looks at Watari sympathetically, placing a hand on his shoulder. Watari groans, "Why her? Why today?" He looks up plaintively to the ceiling, still shielding his face with the menu.

"What's the story here?" Oikawa asks, eyes shining with interest.

"And _that_ is his scheming expression," Iwaizumi says.

"Excuse me, but I forbade any more negative comments about my face."

"Vice captain privilege," Hanamaki suggests. "But I'm curious too."

Watari squirms as everyone gives him their full attention. "It's not a big deal. I just... askedheroutandshesaidno," he finishes in a rush.

Silence meets his confession until Matsukawa coughs into his hand and Hanamaki says, "Ouch. Sorry about your luck, man."

Oikawa looks back at the girl, recognizing her as she flicks her hair over one shoulder. "Ah, she's a third-year, isn't she? You're gutsy, Watacchi!"

"Don't say my name so loud," he begs. "And I know she's out of my league, but she's exactly my type. Curly hair, big eyes, shorter than me..." He sighs, resting his forehead on the table in defeat. The girl who rejected him takes the bag the cashier hands her and leaves the cafe without so much as looking over at their table.

"She's gone now," Yahaba reports. Watari lets the menu falls, but doesn't otherwise move, wallowing in his rejection.

"You've got good taste, I'll give you that. Girls with curly hair are the best." Hanamaki raises his drink in an imaginary toast to their shared preference.

With that one statement, Oikawa can see exactly where this is going and sure enough, the whole table enters into a deep discussion about what kinds of girls are the cutest.

"Hairstyle isn't that important," Matsukawa says. "But girls who wear dresses are great. Oh, and lip gloss is nice."

Hanamaki laughs. "That's right, you dated that girl in our first-year who always wore lip gloss. I thought you were wearing it for awhile too, with how shiny your lips were after spending time with her," he teases.

"Good times," Matsukawa says fondly, sinking into nostalgia.

Oikawa thinks of Ai's chapped lips against his, how he walked away from kissing with the urge to self-destruct, not to smile.

"So?" Hanamaki says, taking the straw out of his juice carton and pointing it at Iwaizumi. "What's your type?"

Oikawa curls his hands into fists under the table and pretends to be more interested in how the others are reacting to the conversation than whatever Iwaizumi might say.

Iwaizumi shrugs. "I don't know. I haven't really thought about it."

Hanamaki rolls his eyes. "Come on. There has to be something that makes you notice a girl."

Iwaizumi frowns, mulling it over. "Short hair, I guess. And being athletic."

Oikawa thinks of Ai again, how Iwaizumi could see so much in her, but he couldn't find a single thing to be attracted to.

"You don't get tired of spending all your time with athletes?" Matsukawa asks.

"Nah," Iwaizumi says. "I'd get bored if I was with someone I couldn't talk about sports with."

Oikawa rests his chin on his palm, his eyes sliding left as he tries and fails to tune Iwaizumi out. He makes eye contact with Yahaba on accident and realizes he's been looking at him, though as soon as their eyes meet, Yahaba looks down. He tilts his head curiously, but Hanamaki reaches across the table to poke him and gets his attention back.

"You're being strangely quiet. You're going to pass up a chance to talk about yourself? It's a shame you must've gotten sick right before training camp," he says.

"Ha ha, very funny. I thought it was adorable listening to you poor inexperienced people talking about girls." He pointedly doesn't look Iwaizumi's way, because Iwaizumi knows for sure now that everything he says about girls is a lie.

Hanamaki rolls his eyes. "Yes, you're such an expert, you and your long list of short relationships."

This time, Oikawa does sacrifice some of his milk break in order to hit Hanamaki right between the eyes. "You're just jealous because I've dated all sorts of types. Tall, short, straight hair, curly hair, that half-American girl with green eyes in middle school."

"So then, which is your type?" Matsukawa prompts.

_Tall, but not as tall as me. Strong. Short hair. Reliable. Supportive. Familiar._

"My type is girls who are clever enough to worship me, of course."

The table collectively groans, but Oikawa notices quite clearly the absence of a flick or pinch from Iwaizumi, who must be taking pity on him for how uncomfortable he knows he has to be.

"I'd rather hear from anyone else. Yahaba, what about you?" Hanamaki asks.

Yahaba smiles politely and answers, "I don't really have a physical type, but I admire girls who can play a musical instrument."

Oikawa, lifelong liar, can recognize a rehearsed statement when he hears one. He looks at Yahaba skeptically, but the others accept his answer without issue and start pestering the first-years, getting Kindaichi flustered in seconds, though it takes real effort to get Kunimi to name anything as a preference. Oikawa accidentally knocks his napkin to the floor when he moves his arm, and when he leans down to retrieve it, he happens to look up and see that Yahaba's hands are tight fists in his lap, exactly as his were a moment ago.

He meets Yahaba's eyes again and stands. "It's time to get going, everyone! You know nothing makes Coach Mizoguchi happy like punctuality."

Everyone gets to their feet to leave, but out of the corner of his eye Oikawa sees Yahaba excuse himself to the bathroom, saying he'll be right behind them. Oikawa pauses at the door and says, "Ah, I forgot something!" He ducks back inside and no one seems to notice, aside from the usual way Iwaizumi notices everything Oikawa does, but he's gotten used to that fact of life. He goes past the table they were at to the bathroom, opening the door slowly in case Yahaba needs time to compose himself.

He finds Yahaba in front of the sink, his reflection looking unsurprised to see him there. "I'll only be a minute, Oikawa-san," he says politely, putting a single strand of hair that's gotten mussed back into place.

Oikawa doesn't leave, though. He leans his back against the door, his suspicions overflowing. He knows better than to jump to conclusions, but his shrewd observations often prove true even with limited evidence. It's a stand-off and they both know it, waiting to see who's going to speak first and address the topic hanging in the air unspoken between them.

If he's right, a lot of things make sense now: Yahaba's vehement response to Sakurai and Takahashi being bullied, the way he looked at him when the rumors were brought up in the clubroom, how he's always brushed off remarks about girls. Maybe it's wrong of him to hope Yahaba's in a similarly painful position to him, but somehow, Oikawa thinks it would be freeing not to be the only one on the team like him.

In the end, Yahaba speaks first. "When I heard the rumors around school, I didn't think there was a chance they were true. But I changed my mind once I started paying better attention. Sorry if I'm being presumptious, Oikawa-san, but I think you lied when you denied them."

Oikawa doesn't admit to anything yet, not when their conversation is still testing the waters. "You didn't seem too keen yourself to talk about what type of girls you like."

It turns out Yahaba is braver than him. He blinks once at Oikawa then turns back to the mirror before stating firmly, "That's because I don't like girls."

Oikawa figures he's only admitting it to him because he thinks Oikawa is the same, but his boldness is impressive. And like Oikawa hoped, it's also enticing. With that simple sentence, Yahaba has become an ally- someone who understands. He hadn't known it would feel so nice to hear someone echo the dark secret he's afraid to share.

He walks over to the row of sinks and looks down at Yahaba. "You're telling me this because you think I'm the same," he tries to confirm.

"Aren't you?" Yahaba asks, his tone not challenging but the words feeling that way anyway.

Oikawa traces his fingers over the pattern in the sink counter. He finally agrees, "My type isn't girls."

Yahaba breathes out a silent sigh of relief, and Oikawa knows he's feeling the same sort of connection, the sense of respite that they can let down their walls, if only for a minute. He's always known Yahaba somewhat resembles him, but he never expected that to be true in this regard, too.

"Most of the time, I don't have to think about it," Yahaba says. His fingers are resting motionless on the counter where Oikawa's are moving and tracing, and Oikawa has to commend him for how well he keeps his emotions in check. "But when everyone starts talking about girls..." He sighs, unhappily this time, getting a hint of the anger in his eyes that Oikawa knows he keeps repressed inside himself. "I've never dealt with that well."

"Never?" Oikawa echoes. "How long have you known?"

Yahaba, in turn, is surprised by his surprise. "Always. So you haven't?"

Oikawa actually snorts before he can stop himself. "No. I haven't." He wonders if it's better that way. It left him painfully confused for a long time, but at least he didn't spend his whole life feeling like an outsider. Maybe it would be better yet if he still didn't know.

Yahaba nods at him. "I hope this is okay to say, but-"

"Now, now, Yahaba-chan, there's no reason for you to speak so delicately when it's just the two of us. I already know you can be as scary as Mad Dog-chan looks when you want to be."

Yahaba's expression sours, but before he can prove Oikawa's point, he returns to looking like a choir boy, though he speaks more candidly this time. "Okay. If you want to keep this a secret, you should probably cut down on how much affection you show Iwaizumi-san."

Oikawa steps back as though Yahaba struck him. "Excuse me?"

Yahaba looks instantly apologetic. "I wasn't trying to cross a line, senpai. But I'm not the only one who will figure it out if others pay attention to how you look at him."

Oikawa chews on his lip for a moment. "Now you're being presumptuous. Come on, the others will wonder where we went."

He turns and leaves ahead of Yahaba, not wanting to end the conversation on a bad note when he was initially so glad someone could relate to him, but now that Iwaizumi's been brought up, he doesn't want to say a single further thing.

_So I'm not even allowed to look at him_ , he thinks bitterly as they join the others by the school gates. He sees Iwaizumi raise an eyebrow at him but he pretends not to.

It really is unfortunate that Yahaba is so perceptive. It makes it a lot harder to keep himself in denial. And now he's going to have his words bouncing around in his head for the next three days as he sleeps and bathes in the same room as Iwaizumi.

If he doesn't know how to look at Iwaizumi like a normal friend is supposed to, he thinks that maybe it's better if he doesn't look his way at all.

-

That was his resolution, but putting it into practice proves impossible. He can't not look at one of his teammates, especially not during the intense, lengthy practice matches of training camp. But during breaks, he's hyper-aware of what sort of expression he's wearing when he looks at Iwaizumi and makes sure his gaze never lingers.

And of course, Iwaizumi notices. "You're being weird again," he mutters to him over the tip of his water bottle.

Oikawa's exhausted from both the matches and the acting, so his only answer is to shrug and lie, "I don't know what you mean, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi sighs. "You always know what I mean, dumbass." He sprays him in the face with a cold blast of water from his bottle and Oikawa yelps in surprise, pushing damp bangs out of his face.

"What was that for?" he demands.

"Cheer up. I don't know what your deal is all of a sudden, but training camp is when we all get to improve and spend time together as a team. I don't want you moping over something and ruining the experience. So you can either tell me what's up or get over it." Though he just squirted Oikawa in the face in the style of typical teenager antics, he manages to sound wise, and Oikawa has no argument he can make.

"Fine. I'm over it," he says and squirts Iwaizumi back after a surreptitious look around to make sure none of the coaches are watching.

Though Iwaizumi drops the subject after that and Oikawa tries to be something approaching normal, things only get worse because that night he ends up soaking in the communal bath right next to Iwaizumi. It isn't like he hasn't seen his best friend naked plenty of times by this point, but this is his first time seeing him naked since figuring out he's gay. He wonders if it doesn't bother Iwaizumi even a little, but he doesn't seem uncomfortable. Then again, Oikawa is making his best effort to focus on the half of the bath that lets him look away from Iwaizumi. He wonders how Yahaba deals with situations like this, but he seems perfectly at ease, talking with Watari at the far end of the bath.

He lets himself sink further into the hot water, trying to relax. The conversations become a dull hum around him. They aren't lively like they were at breakfast, held back by sore muscles and fatigue, but there's still plenty of chatting, most of it focused on the teams they'll be practicing with during the remainder of training camp. Oikawa feels obligated to join in now and then as captain and because he doesn't want to be called out for being quiet again, but he can't make himself be as talkative as usual.

And then he makes the mistake of not leaving the bath before Iwaizumi.

"I'm heading to bed," Iwaizumi says when there's a lull in his conversation with the other third-years. After waving away their compulsory teasing about him being an old man for getting tired first, he leaves the bath, towel slung carelessly over one shoulder.

Oikawa has tried all day not to look at Iwaizumi too closely, but at this moment he's riveted. Every part of Iwaizumi's body has been trained at length to give him the raw power he needs as an athlete with his playing style. Oikawa of all people knows that strength, knows what it feels like when Iwaizumi loses his temper and shoves him against the wall or grabs his shirt and pulls him close like he weighs nothing when they're arguing.

Then his brain betrays him by imagining what it would be like if Iwaizumi shoved him against the wall for a very different reason.

He remembers Yahaba's advice belatedly and acts like he's remembered an urgent matter to discuss with the underclassmen, wading over to where Yahaba and Watari are sitting. "So? How did I do today?" he asks like he's simply in want of feedback for the day's tosses, but he knows Yahaba will understand the underlying meaning.

He says, "You were the same as usual, Oikawa-san," and Oikawa knows he failed.

One by one they all leave the bath for the night. Oikawa is the last to go, his fingers pruned and the wave to his hair completely gone from the weight of water. He dresses slowly and heads upstairs with great reluctance. Unsurprisingly, he's been given the futon right next to Iwaizumi's at the end of a row. Iwaizumi plays the role of responsible vice-captain and tells them all to get into bed before turning the light off. Everyone exchanges goodnights and Oikawa wraps himself tightly in his blanket but can't fall asleep at all. It doesn't help that if he turns on his side he can see the outline of Iwaizumi's body under his blanket, because that makes him recall what he saw and felt in the bath quite clearly.

He knows he needs sleep. The day was physically and mentally taxing and tomorrow will be worse if he doesn't let himself rest, but knowing this is added stress that ironically makes it even harder to fall asleep. He gives up sometime past midnight and quietly slips out of his bed and from the room.

Their lodging for the training camp is a small inn surrounded by tree-covered hills. He sneaks through the silent hallways to the rooftop and when he's there, he spots a fire escape that leads to the ground below. After a moment's consideration, he follows it down and finds that between two hills there's a tree that's fallen over, its trunk stretching from slope to slope. He sits on it with his back to the inn, staring up at a sliver of moon.

He cannot stop himself from thinking of Iwaizumi.

It isn't just thoughts of his body from earlier. That's only a small portion of it. Oikawa's never had either a friend or a girlfriend he felt half as strongly for. Iwaizumi is the pillar of his life, the central feature that everything he does revolves around. He's the one who's saved Oikawa from self-hatred and weakness time after time after time. Oikawa can't even imagine what success looks like apart from him.

He probably would've figured out he's in love a long time ago if people didn't make it seem like love is this blinding crash of realization, like it's the ceaseless shaking of the earth when two people who are meant to be are together. Maybe that's a common misconception. Maybe real love is more like this, slow and steady and unconditional.

And far, far too painful.

When he hears a sound, he doesn't have to turn around to know that Iwaizumi's there, that he's found him again, but he does anyway. Their eyes meet, Iwaizumi's full of curious concern, and it takes every bit of Oikawa's willpower not to let out a sob then and there. Because he understands now. Iwaizumi has always been there for him and he's here for him now. It won't always be like that, though. Because Iwaizumi definitely loves him, but he doesn't love Oikawa like Oikawa loves him.

The only question is who will be torn apart by Oikawa's love first: Iwaizumi or himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how many people picked up on the hints I left about Yahaba in the previous chapters? He's my favorite member of Seijou after Oikawa and Iwaizumi so I couldn't help but give him an important (if small) role in this fic.
> 
> Thank you all for the support I felt after posting last chapter's end notes!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I wanna ruin our friendship  
> We should be lovers instead  
> I don't know how to say this  
> 'Cause you're really my dearest friend"
> 
> \- "Jenny" by the Studio Killers

Summer ends and fall term begins and while it's all routine, nothing seems familiar anymore. Oikawa can never go more than a few minutes without being reminded that he is in love with his best friend and that his best friend will never feel the same way about him.

He wonders what it is with him and always wanting what he can't have. But craving more natural talent at volleyball is something he can work around. There is nothing he can do to get rid of the way he feels about Iwaizumi. He doesn't see why he should have to. He and Iwaizumi are perfectly matched in how they understand and support each other. They have an endless well of memories and inside jokes dating back more than ten years. They're just _right_ for each other.

Except for the part where Iwaizumi likes girls and Oikawa isn't one.

He starts overanalyzing every interaction they have. Does Iwaizumi's hand linger after high-fives or is it his imagination? Did he get bored during the kiss scene between the male and female leads of the latest movie they watched together, or was he yawning because he stayed up too late answering Oikawa's texts? Why does he stay up that late for him anyway if he knows he'll be tired the next day? Is that what all best friends do? Do all best friends know each other this well and spend this much time together?

He tells himself it's all wishful thinking and that no amount of hope will change the fact that Iwaizumi isn't interested. It would be a far better use of his time to focus on changing his own feelings. But this isn't a crush, and love this deeply rooted can't be cast away overnight.

Especially since Oikawa doesn't want to let go of his feelings. He wants them to be returned and he doesn't know if that's selfish or childish. He only knows it hurts that he can't hold Iwaizumi's hand, can't ask him on a date, can't kiss him no matter how strong the temptation grows. In fact, being around Iwaizumi means adhering to an ever-growing list of "can't's" and it's exhausting to constantly keep his behavior in check.

Iwaizumi never brings up that night at training camp when he found Oikawa outside. Oikawa immediately went back in with him and went to sleep, giving no reason for what happened. He imagines Iwaizumi can't forget whatever expression he was making that night, though. Seeing Iwaizumi for the first time right after realizing he's in love with him... He must have had the strangest look on his face.

But now he heeds Yahaba's advice carefully, and with the utmost effort he strives to keep everything he conveys towards Iwaizumi perfectly platonic.

-

One of his duties as captain is being in charge of the club's event for that year's school cultural festival. This is a good thing, because it means he can veto the ideas he hates. It's also a bad thing, because he's expected to be reasonable and explain why doesn't think a particular suggestion will work. So when Watari says they could raise a lot of funds by doing a themed restaurant, he can't just say, "True, but if I have to play gentleman host to girls all day I might lose my mind, so let's do something else." Instead, when the others chime in their agreement, saying that it's better than the play their previous captain made them put on, Oikawa can't argue with them. If it's what the team wants, he has to go through with it.

As the festival approaches, they meet before practice occasionally to finalize plans. Oikawa, of course, is chosen to be in charge of greeting customers. Matsukawa, Hanamaki, Watari, and Yahaba volunteer to be waiters, and cooking duty falls to Kindaichi, Kunimi, and Iwaizumi. Everyone seems sort of surprised that Iwaizumi is fine with being a cook. It starts because Oikawa laughs at him and says he'll scare away customers with his face and instead of retaliating, he says, "I don't mind cooking."

Oikawa gets quiet after that, thinking of how he's the only one on the team that knows Iwaizumi's an unexpectedly good cook. Even the other third-years don't know, and maybe it's silly, but Oikawa likes knowing things about Iwaizumi that no one else does.

"Hey, you're his childhood friend, you must've had something he's cooked at some point," Matsukawa says, and all eyes turn to Oikawa. "So?"

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. "If you think Oikawa is actually going to give you a serious answer about anything related to me-"

"He's great!" Oikawa says, giving them a thumbs-up in reassurance that all duties have been properly assigned. If they're going to find out anyway, he might as well take small comfort in the fact that he knew first, and they'll know he did. Iwaizumi looks shocked to have been straightforwardly complimented by Oikawa and pauses mid-sentence with his mouth open, an expression funny enough that it feels like a good reward for telling the truth.

With all that decided, it's left to the underclassmen to make props and signs. It turns out that Kunimi's great with graphic design, though he looks vaguely annoyed that Kindaichi revealed that about him and more or less forced him into designing the posters advertising their club's restaurant. Yahaba and Watari team up and make the bigger signs by hand, and all that's left for Oikawa to do is arrange for the theater club to provide them with outfits appropriate for waiters.

The theme for their restaurant ends up being all things fried. Oikawa already knows exactly what Iwaizumi will be cooking. In fact, learning to make agedashi tofu for himself is what made Iwaizumi interested in cooking in the first place, and though it's a rare thing for him considering how busy he is with volleyball and school, Oikawa's eaten more than one homemade meal from him. The truth is that Oikawa's a decent cook too, but he pretends not to be so he can skip out on helping. Iwaizumi probably knows it, but he lets him get away with it.

Oikawa hides a smile when he thinks of that. Iwaizumi scolds him a lot, but he lets him get away with a lot too. That's how it's always been.

The day of the festival arrives, a thankfully cool fall day about a month before the spring tournament qualifiers. The volleyball club's "restaurant" is located outdoors inside a black tent decorated inside to look like an upscale dining establishment. The time comes for Oikawa Tooru to do what he does best.

He smiles broadly at the throng of girls causing a minor traffic jam outside the tent. "Welcome, welcome! No pushing, please, everyone will have their turn being served by our humble staff!"

"What, aren't you one of the waiters?" a girl near the front of the line cries in dismay.

"I'm afraid that wouldn't be fair to the other tables," he says. She seems to accept this answer. Oikawa motions for the first group to follow him, and as he does so, he happens to Ai walk by.

She's pointedly looking at the ground and he knows she saw his flirty and charming exterior. He sincerely hopes she isn't comparing how reserved he was with her with how he's acting around these girls, though after a moment's thought, he's sure she isn't. She always seemed to know he was just putting on a show. He turns away to resume his role.

That's how the next hour goes. He greets girls and the occasional guy, leads guests inside and bids them goodbye as they leave, and most of all makes sure there isn't any excessive commotion in front of the tent. It looks like their club's activity is proving to be one of the most popular, and it's no mystery why. Oikawa ends up pinned with another duty, as most of the girls who eat there ask for a picture with him before leaving.

"That suit looks really good on you!" he's assured over and over. He has to agree and figures that for the girls who are used to seeing him in volleyball shorts and covered in sweat, it must be a treat.

Though this is nowhere near as strenuous as the sport he plays on a daily basis, he's somehow exhausted and all too relieved when Yahaba appears beside him to say, "Oikawa-san, I can take over for you for awhile."

He warns, "You might get eaten alive for not being me."

"I don't mind if they get mad at me," Yahaba says almost flippantly, looking at the mass outside the tent disinterestedly.

"If you're sure." Oikawa apologizes to the girls waiting. Some of them leave right away in hopes that when they come back, Oikawa will be in charge again. He goes behind the tent where they've set up their portable cooking equipment. There isn't much privacy there, but he finds a place to sit down behind those cooking and so is somewhat lost amidst the bustle.

"Someone fetch their captain some water, I'm dying," he says, holding out his hand.

Iwaizumi snorts and slaps it down. "We're the ones who've been standing in this heat all day, I don't want to hear it."

Kindaichi immediately fetches him a cup of water, though. "Don't spoil him, he's already useless as it is," Iwaizumi says.

"This isn't spoiling me, this is treating me as I deserve," Oikawa argues back, drinking the water down in one gulp, then resting there as he watches them cook. Iwaizumi is the busiest. It seems agedashi tofu is the most popular item on the menu and Iwaizumi doesn't trust anyone else to make it.

Oikawa notices several groups of people walk back and forth where they can peek behind the tent. He thinks it's girls looking for him at first, but that doesn't appear to be the case on second glance, as they are quite clearly looking elsewhere before giggling and rushing off. He frowns and bugs Kindaichi for another cup of water.

"I'd dump a cup on your head if I wasn't concerned about ruining the suit you borrowed," Iwaizumi mutters, fixing another plate of agedashi tofu and handing it to Hanamaki to take inside.

"You better not! You know I'm the selling attraction of this tent, you shouldn't try to mess up my hair."

Kunimi looks through the flap into the tent. "It looks like we've been getting a lot more customers," he notes.

Oikawa turns to look too and realizes he's right. If anything, the line in front of the tent has increased since he left. "Yahaba-chan's not _that_ adorable," he says and goes to see what's going on.

As it turns out, someone is stealing the attention away from him, but it isn't Yahaba. It only takes a little eavesdropping to reveal who.

"Did Iwaizumi-san really make this?"

"He doesn't look like the type at all."

"I saw it with my own eyes! He's cooking behind the tent right now."

Now Oikawa understands the rampant popularity of the agedashi tofu. It isn't about the dish. It's about who's cooking it.

"Hey, Oikawa-kun!" a girl from his class calls out. He stops at her table with an attentive smile. She leans forward excitedly and asks, "Is it true? Is Iwaizumi-kun cooking all the food?"

"Ah, well, Kunimi-chan and Kindaichi-chan are helping too," Oikawa says, trying to downplay Iwaizumi's role. He doesn't understand it himself, since he came into this dreading having the girls' attention, but it's something he's so used to that he's somewhat miffed now that it's being taken away. Of course, it's even worse that it's going to Iwaizumi, so that he has to witness girls fawning over his best friend who he's in love with.

At any rate, his answer does nothing to dampen the enthusiasm in the tent. Oikawa seals his smile in place and meets up with Yahaba right as he's ushering another group of girls inside. "I'll take back over from here," he says, and Yahaba nods and returns to waiting on tables.

The spotlight that's usually stuck on him drifts further and further away. For as long as Oikawa can remember, he's overshadowed Iwaizumi. He doesn't (usually) do it on purpose and he's the first to jump to Iwaizumi's defense when someone like Ushijima questions his volleyball talent. But now he's realizing it suits his personality just fine for everyone to be too busy noticing him to really pay attention to the person perpetually by his side who maybe isn't quite as attractive or showy or eye-catching. Oikawa knows Iwaizumi's true value, all his traits that are quieter but so very admirable, but these things are harder for strangers to see than the dazzling qualities Oikawa displays. But now one of Iwaizumi's hidden skills has been discovered, and he really shouldn't, but Oikawa feels as though he's been shoved aside.

The festival drags on after that. There are still a few activities going when the volleyball club closes their restaurant up. Yahaba volunteers on behalf of all the underclassmen (earning a side-eye from Kunimi) that they'll finish cleaning up if the third-years want to go explore. Oikawa goes along with it because in any other mood he would gladly take the offer and he doesn't want to seem suspicious.

The third-years change out of their uniforms, except for Iwaizumi who was in normal clothes from the start. Oikawa gives himself a brief but stern pep-talk. This is his final year with this exact group of people, and he shouldn't spoil any moment they have together. With that in mind, he somehow makes it through the rest of the day, just half a step ahead of an engulfing and bitter jealousy- not of Iwaizumi garnering attention, but of the way girls are allowed to say all those things but he'll never be able to say just how much Iwaizumi means to him.

-

The fallout comes not a week later.

He's intercepted on the way from the cafeteria, where he was buying creampuffs for Hanamaki to help him win a bet against Matsukawa that he wouldn't, Oikawa's bribe being three days' worth of milk bread. A girl rushes past him, does a double-take, and stops in her tracks. "Oikawa-kun! Can I talk to you?"

Oikawa takes her in with a glance. Chin-length dark brown hair, as many accessories as the dress code allows, exceptionally pale skin. He thinks he remembers her name. "Shion-chan, right? How can I help you?" he asks, though his stomach is empty and his hands are full of food.

"Not here." She looks around and then grabs his wrist without warning and drags him into an empty music room. She shuts the door and Oikawa blinks at her a couple of times. He assumed she wanted to confess to him, but if so, she's going about it in a rather strange way.

She tugs her sleeves down over her hands as she talks, shifting her weight from one foot to the other like she has too much energy. "Listen, listen. I've been thinking since the cultural festival. You're Iwaizumi-kun's best friend, right? I heard you've been friends since you were kids?" she prompts.

He's taken aback by the sudden mention of the festival and Iwaizumi but he nods slowly. "That's right, we went to the same elementary and middle school too. What exactly...?"

She fills in the silence for him. "Everyone thinks Iwaizumi's really cool since the festival! We knew he was good at volleyball since he's the ace, but he can cook too! That's like, the ultimate combination."

"Yes, he is... quite impressive," Oikawa says, not entirely sure where she's going with this but sure he's not going to like it. He edges towards the door as subtly as he can, but she speaks again before he can think of making an excuse to get away.

"So here's the thing," she says, eyes bright with excitement. "I think Iwaizumi-kun would make the most amazing boyfriend ever, so I'm gonna confess to him soon. Since you're his best friend, you can help me out! Could you tell me what kind of sweets he likes? I want to give him some when I confess."

She beams at him, and he almost drops everything he's holding with how his hands threaten to shake.

_"Iwaizumi-kun would make the most amazing boyfriend ever."_

She's not the only one who thinks that.

_"You're his best friend."_

And that's all he'll ever be. He doesn't need the reminder.

He realizes she's waiting for his answer. Something crumble within him. He's had enough. He has to fight to accept every day that he can never be with the person he loves, and he doesn't need this girl thinking she can swoop in and steal him away when Oikawa's the one who's been by his side all these years.

The fake smile's gone from his face as he says, "Don't confess to him. I mean, there's no need to waste your time."

Her smile drops too as her expression turns to one of confusion. "What- what do you mean? It's not a waste of my time when he might say yes."

He tries to keep his anger under control, but it's slipping out anyway, ignited by her determination to poke at all his wounds, however unknowingly. "He's not going to say yes to you. He doesn't need you, okay?"

It's not that he thinks Iwaizumi's going to accept a random girl's confession at this point, but he's saying this to convince himself as well. It can't be that easy for his best friend to commit to someone else. He's had girlfriends before, but that seems so long ago now, and it's too painful to think of watching it happen again now that Oikawa understands his real feelings. He knows it's inevitable, but that doesn't mean it needs to happen _now._

She sets her mouth stubbornly and says, "Oikawa-kun, I don't understand. Like, I know he's busy with volleyball, but I'll be understanding of that! I know you're captain and you want everyone to be focused, but come on, you dated someone recently too!"

He can see that she isn't going to get it. It's better if she doesn't, though. He realizes he's really gone too far, but even if he could backtrack and smooth things over, he doesn't want to. It's irrational, but he thinks he hates her for even daring to think of becoming important to Iwaizumi.

"Don't waste your time," he reiterates before leaving, hearing her sniffle once and feeling his heart become heavy. He's never made a girl cry on purpose before. He feels both guilt and satisfaction at the same time, clashing in his chest until it hurts.

He already knows this isn't the last he'll hear of this.

-

Oikawa's parents are out that Saturday evening and Oikawa's laying on his stomach on the living room floor, a half-eaten bowl of popcorn on his left and a stack of DVDs to rewatch on his right. He usually watches movies in his own room, but he takes this rare opportunity of having the house to himself to make use of the giant television downstairs.

He's munching on buttery popcorn and watching an alien threaten an abducted human with dissection when there's a knock at the front door. He pauses the movie right as the alien starts brandishing some sort of scapel-tongs hybrid tool and goes over to peer through the peephole. His stomach drops. Iwaizumi's standing there, face stormy as he raises his hand to knock again.

Oikawa opens the door. "Iwa-chan, what a nice surprise! Here for movie night?"

Iwaizumi says nothing as he heads past him inside. It's not a good sign. Oikawa takes a deep breath to steel himself for whatever Iwaizumi's mad at him about this time and shuts the door quietly, going to join Iwaizumi where's he's standing now in the living room, ignoring the movie altogether. Oikawa stands diagonally from him, twisting his fingers together and waiting for him to say something.

Iwaizumi finally sighs and runs a hand through his hair, looking even more agitated than when he was standing on Oikawa's doorstep. "What the fuck is this, Shittykawa?" He tosses his cell phone at Oikawa, who catches it on instinct.

He looks down at the screen, where Iwaizumi's texts are open. He reads them with a sour taste in his mouth.

_Message received, 7:14 p.m.  
Hey Iwaizumi-kun, it's Nozomi. Can I ask you about something?_

_Message sent, 7:23 p.m.  
What's up?_

_Message received, 7:25 p.m.  
I was talking to Kano from class 6 and she said Oikawa-kun said some really mean things to her. She was crying a little too. I know he's your friend so could you get him to apologize?_

_Message sent, 7:28 p.m.  
What did he say_

_Message received, 7:30 p.m.  
It's kind of personal, but she was going to talk to you about something, and he told her to stay away from you or something..._

_Message received, 7:35 p.m.  
I'll talk to him_

Oikawa hands back the phone wordlessly. Iwaizumi raises an eyebrow at him. "So? Care to explain?"

Oikawa considers various lies, discarding them one by one as he accepts that none of them will fool Iwaizumi. Nothing ever does, not for long. Telling the truth doesn't exactly sound appealing, either. He feels something like shame for making a girl cry, but he feels more shame having Iwaizumi know about it. He doesn't want to make the situation any worse than it already is, and that's precisely what the truth would do.

So he smiles at Iwaizumi, says, "Nope," and reaches down to get the remote to unpause the movie.

Naturally, he doesn't get that far. Iwaizumi grabs his arm in a tight grip and forces him to stand back up straight. "You're not avoiding this conversation. Look, the last time you didn't want to tell me something, you made yourself miserable over nothing and it all turned out okay once you told me, right? So cut out the bullshit and tell me what's wrong this time." There's a subtle note of exhaustion to Iwaizumi's voice, which makes Oikawa feel worse than anything he's said so far.

He glowers down at his feet. "You're the one making a big deal out of noth-"

"The truth, Oikawa," Iwaizumi interrupts him. "Now."

Oikawa purses his lips and finally says in a flat voice, "She was going to confess to you and I told her it would be pointless to do so."

Iwaizumi lets go of his arm but pokes his chin up so that they make eye contact. "And why would you do that?"

Oikawa can barely keep the incredulity out of his voice. It's almost an insult, how oblivious Iwaizumi is about this. "Because I didn't want to take the chance that you'd say yes to her. I don't want you to have a girlfriend."

That's about as clear as he can make it, but there's no shining light of realization in Iwaizumi's eyes, no indication that he gets it. Instead, he tilts his head, puzzled and trying to think it through. "I know you always get bratty when I'm dating someone. Well, brattier than usual. Why the hell did you think you had to say something like that to her, though?" He looks at Oikawa earnestly. "What did I ever do to make you think you could be replaced?"

Oikawa's whole face falls. He should be grateful that Iwaizumi doesn't get it, but for some reason he isn't. He's tired of this, just like he's tired of pretending he has any interest in girls. "You're such an idiot, Iwa-chan. You can't say things like anymore."

"What are you talking about?" Iwaizumi asks, exasperated. "Look, just apologize to her and-"

"No," Oikawa says, a bit more loudly than he intended. "I'm not sorry." He clenches his fists hard, fingernails digging into his palms. "You _are_ going to replace me. Maybe not as your best friend, but..." He draws in a shaky breath and can feel pricks of blood forming under his fingernails.

And there it is, the slightest hint of understanding, but Oikawa can tell Iwaizumi isn't willing to jump to conclusions. Not when it's something this important. So he smiles again, the most bitter smile he's ever had in his entire life, and says, "I'm in love with you, Iwa-chan. That's why I don't want anyone else to have you."

There's silence for some time after that. Oikawa looks away, vaguely in the direction of the television, but he doesn't focus on the absurd image on-screen. At some point it starts to blur. He realizes why when the first tear rolls down his cheek.

Iwaizumi breaks the silence. "Oikawa, I-"

This time Oikawa interrupts him. "Forget it, Iwa-chan. Just go. Please." He nods towards the door and turns his back, wiping at the tears with his sleeve.

"No, listen to me." Iwaizumi walks around in front of him, looking almost as distraught as Oikawa does. Oikawa thinks it's strange, but then, he did just ruin a friendship that spans the majority of their lives. He thinks he'll cry more about that later, but he feels more numb than anything in the moment.

It shows in how detached his voice is when he says, "Don't bother. Unless you're going to say you feel the same way, I don't want to hear it. I really don't."

Deep down, he's holding onto some wild hope that that's exactly what Iwaizumi's going to do. But he doesn't. Of course he doesn't. There's no way he would feel the same way about Oikawa. Oikawa has to watch him take a step back and then turn towards the door. It feels like the threads of ten thousand shared memories are snapping between them, and more and more break when Iwaizumi moves towards the door without looking back.

He does glance back once before leaving. Their eyes meet and Oikawa can see the apology forming as he opens his mouth, and that's the last thing he wants to hear. He firmly turns away, and the next thing he hears is the door shutting between them.

_How symbolic_ , he thinks, and he makes it all the way to his room before he breaks down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you cry? I cried.
> 
> Also, you may have noticed the chapter count now reads 12/18. 18 chapters is my estimate, and I think that's how many there will be, but don't be too surprised if it ends up being a number close to that.


	13. Chapter 13

No matter how big it is or where it's at, Oikawa always feels like he's in a familiar place when he's on a volleyball court. The players he's watching from the sidelines that day are older than him, many of them taller, and their play speaks of extra years of experience. His eyes are trained on the setter in particular and the way he seems to see all of the court at once, pinpointing the perfect place for a toss without hesitation. The back-up setter who's playing across the net for the scrimmage is almost as good, and the score remains tied as points rack up on both sides.

"It's almost like a different sport than what we do," someone comments offhandedly beside him.

Oikawa looks over, startled out of his trance, to see who he presumes is another high school student watching the game with peculiar golden eyes. He turns those eyes on him and offers a lazy grin. "Kuroo Tetsurou. Nice to meet you."

Oikawa doesn't recognize his name, though he does think he's heard of Nekoma, the school name emblazoned on Kuroo's jacket. "Oikawa Tooru."

"Ah, I've heard of you. Your team gives Karasuno a lot of trouble, doesn't it?"

He narrows his eyes a bit at the mention of Kageyama's school, but tries to hide his displeasure. Apparently he doesn't do a very good job, because Kuroo laughs and says, "So the rivalry's as intense as they make it out to be." He nods at the court. "What do you think?"

It's such a vague question that he knows Kuroo is going to use his answer to gauge something about him. It feels like a challenge, almost.

Oikawa turns back the court as he begins recounting his observations. "There are no obvious holes in either offense or defense, though some of their attacks are too predictable. Number seven jumps about half a second too late, number four is the best receiver aside from the libero, and number eleven's feints are impressively convincing." He smiles. "I could go on, but you already know all this, don't you, Kuroo-chan?" There's something sharp and intense about Kuroo's eyes despite how laidback he looks otherwise, and it makes Oikawa sure he's scrutinizing the minute details of the players too.

Kuroo laughs. "Please, if you're going to call me a nickname, stick with Kuro." He says nothing to agree or disagree with Oikawa's assertion, instead posing another question. "Do you think you'd like playing with this team?"

Oikawa's answer is immediate. "I'm confident I can work with any team."

He swears Kuroo's eyes sparkle in response. "Oh? The way you say it makes me want to believe you."

"You should."

This is the second college Oikawa's visited in a week. More offers have been coming in as his final year of high school passes by, and it's time for him to seriously narrow down his options.

Anyway, not spending time with Iwaizumi has given him some free time. He figures he might as well make the most of it and find a way to keep his mind busy at the same time. When there's nothing else for him to do, like at night or when he's in the bath, he sinks lower into despair. It hurts to have been officially rejected. Knowing Iwaizumi doesn't feel the same way hasn't changed his feelings at all. He's lovesick and it hurts and he can't even turn to his best friend for comfort, because his best friend is the cause of it all.

Kuroo checks the time on his phone. "I'm heading to another school after this, so I've got to get going. I hope we meet again, Oikawa Tooru."

"It would be your lucky day, Kuro-chan," Oikawa says with a wink. Kuroo laughs easily and waves as he leaves, and Oikawa realizes belatedly he was as flirty with him as he is with most girls. It's a habit he doesn't need to get into.

He stays and watches the rest of the practice, getting the opportunity to speak with the coach and the captain afterwards. It would be a good school for him. But he can never forget for a second that the schools he's been scouted by and the schools Iwaizumi has might not necessarily match up. Even if they do, their decisions might differ. A future where Iwaizumi isn't his boyfriend is bad enough, but a future where he's playing on a different team than Iwaizumi just sounds weird. They've been to the same schools all their lives.

But maybe moving on means accepting that won't always be true.

-

The thing is, Oikawa's learned by now that he can't run from his problems. That's why he's standing in front of Iwaizumi's house looking determined. Avoiding Iwaizumi this time was different. It was out of sadness, not fear. And Iwaizumi let him, giving him all the time he might need, but really, there's not enough time in the world for him to get over being in love with him.

Practice was uncomfortable. Though they played together well enough, everyone could tell something was off. In the locker room, they didn't talk to each other. In fact, they rarely interacted off court at all, so that it almost felt like they were strangers. It was worse than fighting with Iwaizumi; it was far lonelier.

He knocks on the door.

Iwaizumi's mother opens it and greets him warmly. "Tooru-kun, it's been awhile! Come in, come in. Hajime's in his room." She waves him in, obviously unaware of what happened between him and her son. He wonders if she would be welcoming him in if she did.

"Thanks, oba-chan," he says, smiling back at her, and takes his shoes off in the entryway before heading upstairs like he has a thousand times before.

He opens the door so quietly that Iwaizumi doesn't notice, and he doesn't say anything at first. Iwaizumi's sitting at his desk, frowning down at his textbook and tapping his pencil as he concentrates. "I fucking hate math," he mutters.

Oikawa covers his mouth too late, a burst of laughter escaping him. Iwaizumi whirls around, blinking in surprise at him. "You-" His expression turns into a scowl. "You asshole, don't just stand in people's doorways without telling them."

"Sorry," Oikawa says completely unapologetically, coming in and closing the door behind him without being prompted. He sits on the edge of Iwaizumi's bed and makes himself comfortable. "Do you want help?"

"I'd rather fail all my classes than get help from you."

"That's a little extreme, don't you think?" Oikawa pouts.

"Actually, I'd rather die than get help from you." Iwaizumi turns back around, sighs down at his textbook, and closes it before shoving it to the side and getting up to sit on the bed beside him. "Took you long enough to come over."

Oikawa nods. "I know. Are you mad at me?

"Shit, you know I'm not." Iwaizumi looks at him seriously. "You're my best friend, Oikawa. I told you nothing's going to change that."

It's not enough, but Oikawa's not going to say that. It sounds greedy when he thinks it, and he knows he should be glad Iwaizumi still wants them to be close. He is, but it hurts anyway, especially because of what he knows he has to say next.

"Actually, I have another confession, Iwa-chan," he says, trying not to sound nervous. "That's probably the last thing you want to hear, but..."

"Spit it out," Iwaizumi says.

"I knew you liked Ai when I asked her out," he blurts out in a rush before he can talk himself out of it. "But I won't hold you back from being happy anymore. You can... You don't have to worry about my feelings." He manages a small smile. "I know Iwa-chan is actually a softie, after all."

It's not what he wants to say. The bitter jealousy inside him would rather he try to convince Iwaizumi that no one would be a better match for him, that their years of friendship have proven that countless times over. He knows it will be unbearable when Iwaizumi starts dating a girl, someone he'll have to constantly compare himself to and hate for being the luckiest person alive. But he can't say those things. Iwaizumi deserves better from him.

And he probably already knows that Oikawa's thinking all that, anyway.

Iwaizumi doesn't get upset or hit him, like Oikawa expects. Instead, he simply says, "You're going to find someone else, too. Someone who will make you happy."

_Not if I had a hundred lifetimes to look_ , he thinks. He hums noncommittally.

"You will, Oikawa," Iwaizumi insists.

"Okay, Iwa-chan."

He closes his eyes and leans his head against Iwaizumi's shoulder, and Iwaizumi lets him.

-

"I can't believe you guys didn't stick with the theme!" Oikawa complains as he surveys his uncooperative teammates. "Half of you aren't even wearing yukata!"

It's the evening of Sendai's largest festival and booths line the street in both directions as far as the eye can see. It's the last festival of the year that will be warm enough for yukata, so Oikawa came up with the brilliant idea for the Aoba Jousai volleyball club to go together dressed in light blue shades of yukata, to show their team spirit. But as it turns out, only he and Yahaba stuck to the plan. Matsukawa and Watari are wearing yukata too, but in different colors, which in Oikawa's mind defeats the whole purpose. Everyone else is dressed casually.

He looks around at them sulkily. "This is yet another reason why Yahaba-chan is my favorite."

"Is that supposed to be an enviable position?" Hanamaki asks.

"No, we shouldn't get started on making fun of Oikawa until later. I'm hungry now," Matsukawa says.

"Good call." They turn in unison, heading towards a booth selling meat skewers.

"And we were supposed to stick together!" Oikawa says, throwing his hands up in frustration.

Iwaizumi claps him on the shoulder. "Let it go, captain. It's a festival, everyone's going to do whatever they want."

"Fine," Oikawa huffs. Really, he can't stay annoyed long. He's always enjoyed this festival. He and Iwaizumi have come to it together for as long as he can remember, so that matters to him more than what anyone is wearing. Though he does feel personally betrayed that Iwaizumi didn't go along with his dress scheme at all.

Kindaichi and Kunimi break off from the group next, headed towards the goldfish scooping booth with Kindaichi complaining that the net always breaks as soon as he puts it in the water. Watari drags Yahaba towards a taiyaki stand, leaving only Oikawa and Iwaizumi standing around, undecided as to where to go first.

Oikawa points towards a stand selling chilled pineapple slices. "Let's go there."

They set off and Oikawa realizes what a mistake he's made within seconds. A festival is no place to be alone with his unrequited love. All around him are couples, older ones with their children and teenagers his age sharing bites of their food. Guys and girls are holding hands everywhere, leaning against each other in line, looking like they're having the time of their lives. He's so jealous the pineapple that should taste sweet is sour in his mouth.

He needs to take his mind off it. "Oh, let's go over there!" he says, pointing towards a shateki booth. A wide array of prizes are balanced on a series of shelves, and kids are crowded around and aiming the cork guns given them at their desired target. Most miss their shot and few prizes fall, and one kid becomes the envy of the rest when she wins a plastic stegosaurus.

Iwaizumi gets in line with him but he says, "You're going to play dirty like always, aren't you?"

"It's _strategic_ , not dirty."

"It's not even really a competition. I don't get why you have to harass the other players."

"Of course it's a competition!" He makes it to the front of the line and hands over the fee for playing. "Sounds like you're just scared I'll do better than you."

"That's what you said last year and I won more prizes than you, Dumbkawa," he says, using one of his less vulgar nicknames since so many children are around.

"That was a fluke!"

"Fine, I'll prove it wasn't."

Iwaizumi takes the spot by Oikawa and they both take aim. But Oikawa glances over out of the corner of his eye before pulling the trigger to see what Iwaizumi's going for, and then he switches to that. He doesn't actually want any of the prizes. He thinks the fun part of shateki is stealing the prize another player wants.

Of course, Iwaizumi knows that's how he plays, and has obviously decided to ignore him. He isn't rattled when Oikawa stands too close and tries to use the loud pop of the gun to throw off his concentration. Oikawa frowns but keeps up the effort. It's not like he doesn't have actual skill at the game, either. Both he and Iwaizumi have knocked a prize off when Hanamaki speaks right behind them and it's Oikawa's concentration that breaks.

"Glad to see your latest lovers' spat is over" is his nonchalant comment. Oikawa misses the shelf of prizes altogether. It was his last try so he puts the gun down and carefully looks over at Iwaizumi, but Iwaizumi isn't looking back and it feels intentional.

"You made me lose," he complains to Hanamaki, stepping away from the booth so someone can take his place. "And you are _way_ too invested in our personal lives!"

He spots Yahaba's blue yukata and uses that as a pretext to escape the situation. Yahaba notices him walking over and gives him a sympathetic look, apparently sensing his downturn in mood. He and Watari are still eating their taiyaki, but Yahaba's slips out of his hands.

"Oh, no," he says in dismay.

"I'll get you another," Watari offers immediately and goes to get in line.

Yahaba turns to Oikawa. "What happened, senpai?"

Oikawa looks from the half-eaten taiyaki over to Watari and back. "Am I a bad influence on you?"

"Don't worry about it." He motions at the booth Oikawa abandoned. "Not having a fun time with Iwaizumi-san?"

Oikawa shrugs, though it's clear he's not. "There are too many couples around. It's annoying and I hate them." He doesn't care if he sounds irrational or childish. If Yahaba is the one person he can voice his honest feelings around, he's going to take advantage of that, bad influence be damned.

"I understand." He looks up at the sky, basically the only place to look and not feel smothered by couples. "I doubt they know how lucky they are."

Oikawa nods emphatically. He can't stop thinking about how compatible he is with Iwaizumi and how it doesn't matter at all, since he's not a girl. Maybe it would've been better if he hadn't confessed and instead let things continue as usual. He could've easily pretended they were dating with how close they are. It might've been a nice lie, for awhile. But Oikawa knows it wouldn't have been enough.

And he hates how his desires always seem so close, but at his feet there's a rift he can never cross.

Yahaba sighs then and something vulnerable shows in his eyes. Oikawa can recognize a mask slipping when he sees it and he tries to give Yahaba an encouraging look, despite how bitter he's feeling towards the happy couples roaming about.

"It's just..." Yahaba watches one such pair walk past, their arms around each others' waists in a way that comes across as obnoxious to Oikawa, and only continues when he loses sight of them in the crowd. "Sometimes, I wish I was like them. I wonder how much different my life would be." It's easy to hear "different" as "better" with his tone of voice, and it tugs at Oikawa's heart.

"You don't need to be like them," he says firmly. "You're fine just the way you are, Yahaba-chan."

Yahaba gives him a faint smile. "That would be more believable if you were applying it to yourself, too."

Oikawa can't argue the point with him. While he genuinely believes Yahaba is perfectly normal, it's somehow harder to believe that about himself and his own attractions.

Watari returns with a freshly baked taiyaki for Yahaba and one for Oikawa, too. They walk around the festival, Kindaichi joining them before long and admitting Kunimi already went home. When they meet up again with the other third-years, they decide to get something to drink and find a resting spot on the sidewalk behind the booths.

Oikawa claims what he still considers to be his rightful spot beside Iwaizumi, and both of them act like the teasing comment about them being lovers never happened. They all chat idly until there's a series of loud bangs and the sky lights up overhead.

"Since when does this festival have fireworks?" Oikawa exclaims, hopping to his feet and admiring the fading pink pattern.

"Let's go find a better view," Watari suggests.

They weave through streets until they're at a large intersection that's blockaded off and ringed with people. Most of them are taller than the crowd, and they politely pretend not to see Watari standing on his toes as they check out the upcoming fireworks.

"Oh, they're selling sparklers over there," Matsukawa says, pointing. "I'll go get us some."

As he does that, the rest watch the unfolding series of fireworks, all sorts of bright colors that make giant stars in the sky. Oikawa's always liked fireworks, and Iwaizumi says it's because they're as showy and demanding of attention as he is. He's mesmerized into forgetting how poorly the evening has gone and only turns away when Matsukawa comes back with a handful of sparklers.

They abandon the intersection so they can play with the sparklers somewhere it's less likely to bump into the children running around with their own sparklers in hand. The fireworks remain incredible background scenery as they make their way to the small stream that's nearby but far enough from the festival that there aren't many people around. They light their sparklers in the relative darkness and a sense of nostalgia comes over Oikawa, like he's a kid again going to festivals with Iwaizumi, only now he has more than one friend and a lot more to worry about than how quickly the sparkler's going to be extinguished.

"Did you know," Oikawa announces, "Iwa-chan used to chase me around with sparklers when we were kids? He's always been so mean to me!"

"You probably deserved it," Hanamaki says from where he's sitting on the ground, lazily waving around his sparkler.

"He definitely deserved it," Iwaizumi confirms, pointing his sparkler at Oikawa threateningly.

"That sounds kind of dangerous," Kindaichi says nervously, looking from Iwaizumi to Oikawa like one of them is about to start a forest fire with his sparkler at any moment.

Oikawa notices his own sparkler isn't lit yet and he reaches over with his to touch their tips together. Kindaichi's immediately flares to life and he yelps in surprise, dropping it. Swearing, Iwaizumi stomps on it before something actually does go up in flame, then he turns a deadly glare on Oikawa.

"How was I supposed to know that was going to happen?" Oikawa protests. Truthfully, he thought it was a little funny, but he really didn't expect Kindaichi to be surprised enough to let go of his sparkler.

"Like I said. You fucking deserve it."

That's all the warning Oikawa gets before Iwaizumi lunges at him, and it's only his quick reflexes that let him dodge to the side in time. Then he's off and running, Iwaizumi right behind him.

"Get him, vice captain!" he hears Hanamaki and Matsukawa cheer. He half-runs, half-slides down the bank of the stream to hop it at its narrowest point before doubling back. From the dancing lights he can see, it looks like he's not the only one being chased now. It seems Matsukawa is pursuing Hanamaki at top speed and Yahaba is trying to ward off Watari as he gets backed against a building. That's all he can make out before he has to speed up to save himself, and he's grateful not for the first time that he has longer legs than Iwaizumi.

But Iwaizumi's stamina is impressive, and they both end up far down the stream by the time their sparklers have fizzled out, the only thing ending the chase. Oikawa bends over, panting from the sudden exertion, hands rested on his knees. "That was totally uncalled for!"

"You harassing Kindaichi is what's uncalled for." Iwaizumi seems less out of breath than him, to his chagrin. Though he supposes he can take it as a compliment to himself that a member of his team is so in shape.

"But he makes this cute flustered face!" Oikawa defends himself. "He's exactly what a first-year should be like. I mean, Kunimi-chan is cute in his own way, but he doesn't have enough facial expressions. And don't get me started on Tobio-chan!"

"I wasn't planning to," Iwaizumi says with a roll of his eyes. "Here, if you're done complaining." He pulls something out his pocket, and since it has nothing to do with whatever their conversation devolved into, it takes a moment for Oikawa to register what it is.

It's a small plushie keychain based on the popular fox mascot Oikawa liked so much as a child that it adorned half his school supplies and bedroom decorations for years. He's since outgrown the image, or so he thinks, but he feels a sharp twinge of nostalgia seeing it now. He looks up from Iwaizumi's outstretched hand. "What's this?"

"From the shateki booth earlier." There's the slightest hint of embarrassment as Iwaizumi shoves it further towards him.

Happiness wells up from deep within him, unexpected and strong, and it's over such a small gesture that Oikawa feels embarrassed too. But he can't help it. It means a lot that Iwaizumi, after a challenge Oikawa was sort of a jerk about, won a prize for him instead of himself.

Naturally, he tries to cover up the embarrassment by turning it around. "Hmm, I don't know, seems kind of childish. What am I supposed to do with something like that?"

Iwaizumi lowers his hand. "Okay." Then he turns to the river and winds back to pitch it into the current.

Oikawa clutches onto his arm immediately, saying, "No, I love it, I love it!" He pries it from Iwaizumi's hand before it's forever lost and holds it to his chest when it's safely in his grasp.

Iwaizumi just scoffs. "You're welcome, dumbass."

Oikawa smiles down at the plushie in his hands for a moment, but the smile fades as soon as it appears. "You know, Iwa-chan, it almost seems like you do want to date me, doing couple things like this."

"Oikawa. Don't."

"But Iwa-chan..." He knows his eyes are pleading and he hates it. "We're perfect for each other. We _are_."

It's not his intention to act like this. He was sincere when he told Iwaizumi he wouldn't stop him from finding a girlfriend. But he can't help how he feels, how desperate he is for Iwaizumi to reconsider. At the same time, he thinks that if keeps saying things like this, Iwaizumi is going to pull away. He won't do little things for Oikawa in the future if it's going to fill him with false hope. Knowing that he could be ruining things even further for himself is painfully lonely, but he can't seem to stop.

"That's not the point." Iwaizumi runs a hand through his hair and frowns down at the ground. "It's not your fault, Oikawa. You didn't do anything wrong."

"So why am I not good enough?" he demands, because that's what it always comes down to. He should've done something different, been better, tried harder.

"You are good enough. That's not the point either."

Oikawa wipes at his eyes miserably, pissed at himself for how much he's been crying lately. "...I'm sorry, Iwa-chan. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I mean it."

"I know." Iwaizumi pulls him into a hug. Oikawa returns it after a moment. It's not fair of Iwaizumi to come so close to giving him what he wants- what he needs- but never quite making it there. He wants to kiss Iwaizumi so badly and the proximity isn't helping.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes again, murmuring against Iwaizumi's shoulder. "Don't stop being my best friend."

"If you think I'm going to, then you're more of a dumbass than I realized."

It's all the consolation he gets, but it works, if only a little. He calms down and pulls away, wishing he could take his whole outburst away. He fiddles with the plushie in his hands for something to do and they start walking back down the river to meet up with the others.

Later that night, when he's home in his room, Oikawa goes into his closet and digs up a letter he's kept in an otherwise empty box for over a year now. He puts the plushie inside then buries the box under winter clothes again, hoping that somehow, these feelings he never asked for will be buried away too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I had some health issues, but I'm doing better now, so the next update shouldn't take as long.
> 
> Just for the record, I know nothing about when Miyagi's festivals would be or exactly what they'd entail, so I based it on my experience here in the Kansai region. Also, if anyone has actually played shateki, please tell me if I got the game right. I sort of guessed how it worked based on pictures and the information from one of the hq games about why Oikawa likes it.
> 
> Thanks for all of your support so far, on here and tumblr! All your comments and kudos make me so happy.


	14. Chapter 14

There are a lot of low points to Oikawa's last year as a high schooler.

There's losing to Karasuno and thereby losing his chance to ever defeat Shiratorizawa.

_"What else could I have done, Iwa-chan? I even put a juvenile delinquent on our team!"_

_"First off, I don't ever want to hear you judge someone else's character again. Second off, you did enough, Oikawa."_

_"If it was enough, we would've won."_

There's the sense of impending separation when he and Iwaizumi accept offers from different colleges.

_"You're the partner I can boast about. You're a really amazing setter, and even if the team changes, that will not change. But when we fight, I will defeat you."_

_"You're on."_

But nothing compares to the intense misery of not being loved back by Iwaizumi.

Graduation day brings tears all around. His fan club cries, the underclassmen on the volleyball team cry, his mother cries and keeps saying how proud she is of him. Oikawa doesn't cry, though. He's cried enough during the past year, and if there's one day when he should be looking to the future instead of wallowing in the past, it's this one.

_"You're the partner I can boast about."_

That's something Oikawa will never forget hearing. Iwaizumi isn't in love with him and being apart for the next four years might erode their friendship that started only because of proximity and volleyball. Oikawa knows this. But he also knows what it's like to have Iwaizumi look at him with sheer trust and admiration.

In less than a week, he'll move into an apartment all his own in a new city, so he makes sure to go around and say goodbye in person to everyone at the school who truly meant something to him, from his favorite teachers to the cafeteria worker who always kept some milk bread back for him to buy. Of course, the hardest goodbyes are to the other members of the volleyball club. The third-years officially retired months ago, but it's hard to let go.

Kindaichi has red eyes and a fistful of tissues that Kunimi seems to be supplying. "Good luck at college, captain," he says in teary earnestness.

Oikawa smiles at both him and the title. "I'm not your captain anymore, you know. Speaking of, where is Yahaba-chan?"

Most of the club has congregrated together, but Iwaizumi and Yahaba are missing. Kyoutani is there, but that's not such a surprise anymore. From what Oikawa's heard, he's been going to practice regularly, and only gives Yahaba a reason to yell at him maybe once a week.

He misses it all already. He'll have a new club to join, new friends to make, but he doesn't think it could be the same, even disregarding the Iwaizumi-sized hole that will be there.

Matsukawa and Hanamaki apparently come to the same decision to tease Oikawa instead of lamenting their own sadness.

"Try not to get into too much trouble without Iwaizumi to keep an eye on you," Hanamaki says.

Matsukawa adds, marginally more kindly, "We'll come watch you play, so hurry up and become a starter."

They're going to the same college, but Matsukawa isn't continuing volleyball. Oikawa can't imagine giving it up, but he's learned from past experience that his intensity might be considered abnormal. At any rate, he thinks Matsukawa and Hanamaki are lucky that they'll still have each other.

"I'm sure you'll be telling all your new friends about how you know the Oikawa Tooru," Oikawa says.

They shake their heads in unison. "And embarrass ourselves? No way."

"Oh, forget it, I'm not going to miss either of you jerks!"

Oikawa turns from them spitefully and as he does, he catches sight of the missing members. Iwaizumi's walking a step ahead of Yahaba, something Oikawa can't quite put a name to brewing in his expression. It's neither the sorrow nor excitement of graduating. Oikawa looks to Yahaba for a clue, but Yahaba looks the same as always, calm and composed. It's hypocritical of him to be annoyed, but he is.

Before he can say a word, Kyoutani and Kindaichi crowd around Iwaizumi. Kyoutani looks more like an irritable puppy than ever. Oikawa would fear for the team's harmony with Iwaizumi leaving and Kyoutani staying, but he has the feeling Yahaba can handle him. As Kindaichi expresses how much he's going to miss the former vice captain for the tenth time that day, Yahaba speaks to Oikawa, who is trying to keep his eyes from flitting over to Iwaizumi.

"I'll make you proud, Oikawa-san. We all will, so come watch us beat Shiratorizawa and Karasuno next year." He bows to Oikawa, who can almost believe this isn't at least half an attempt to replace Oikawa's curiosity with flattery. But he supposes it isn't fair to Yahaba if doesn't give his words some credit, since he truly does trust him with Aoba Jousai's future.

"I will, so you'd better," Oikawa says. "Stupid Tobio and that bratty Shirabu don't have anything on the team you can build."

"I learned about being captain from the best, after all."

Oikawa laughs. "I think you learned about having a silver tongue from the best, you mean."

"That, too," he admits readily.

The crowd disperses bit by bit and the club members separate too. It isn't as painful as the day they lost to Karasuno. Or rather, that was like a dress rehearsal, and now they're as ready as they'll ever be to go their own ways. Iwaizumi and Oikawa leave together, heading over to where their families are talking to each other.

"So," Oikawa says, "what were you and Yahaba-chan talking about?" As far as he knows, he's the only one on the team that knows Yahaba is gay, but he can't imagine what their conversation was about if it isn't related to that, what else might've put such a look on Iwaizumi's face.

Iwaizumi shrugs. "He wanted some advice."

"Advice?" Oikawa tilts his head. "About what? He always comes to me for advice, not you."

"I guess he wanted advice that didn't suck this time." Iwaizumi flicks his forehead, and that's all the time they have before Iwaizumi's mother spots them and rushes over to pull them into a group hug, a terrible but endearing habit she's had for years when it comes to the two of them.

"I'm so proud of you two," she says. "We'll eat dinner anywhere you want."

"Yakiniku," Iwaizumi says.

"Curry," Oikawa says.

They give each other daring looks, trying to make the other back down, and Oikawa's mother sighs.

"Oh, you two, always fighting, even on your graduation day!" she scolds them.

"Sorry, oba-chan," Iwaizumi says. Oikawa tells him that if he had to put up with her nagging more often, he wouldn't give into it so easily, but as it is, he always folds first when Oikawa's mother is involved. "Tooru can pick."

Oikawa almost startles at the sound of his given name. Iwaizumi only calls him that when he's around Oikawa's family, so it sounds strange to hear outside of his memories from grade school.

"If you're sure, Hajime-kun." Oikawa's mother sounds reluctant, so Oikawa quickly interjects to get the conversation out of its awkward lull.

"I'm fine with either, really!"

"Can I pick, then?" Takeru asks innocently.

Eventually, there's a consensus on where to eat. At the restaurant, Oikawa knows he's really supposed to be celebrating with his family, but all his attention goes to Iwaizumi, who he's about to be separated from for the first time since childhood.

It won't be easy, being away from his oldest friend, his true love, and his anchor all at once.

-

More than finding out what his classes will be like or exploring campus, this is what Oikawa has been curious about, and now he's finally heading into the gym to meet his teammates and be officially inducted into new colors and a new mascot. The only thing he's sure of is that Ushijima won't be there. He was recruited by a different college, according to an interview in Volleyball Monthly, and Oikawa is grateful for this rare stroke of luck.

He steps into the gym, the shadow of a grin on his face, and hears a familiar voice.

"Well, well. We meet again, Oikawa."

Oikawa catches the ball tossed to him. "Kuro-chan, long time no see!"

"Hey, who's this?" A guy with questionable hair and eyes as strange as Kuroo's looks over him, and Oikawa immediately recognizes the distinctive and well-known ace: Bokuto Koutarou.

"I'll let him introduce himself. I'm sure he already knows you." Kuroo rolls his eyes, seeming somehow less mature than the last time Oikawa saw him. "Or at least heard your squawking before he came into the gym."

"Hey, don't steal my thunder!" Bokuto strikes a proud pose with his hands on his hips. "I'm Bokuto Koutarou, one of Japan's top aces!"

"Yeah, at the high school level," Kuroo says. "And that's not how that phrase is used."

"Kuroo, back me up now and then!" Bokuto says indignantly, without breaking his pose.

"Sorry, babe." Kuroo winks at Bokuto, who just grumbles and goes to retrieve a stray ball. Oikawa, who was reminded in a way of his and Iwaizumi's own antics, freezes mid-laugh, wondering if he heard right.

_Babe...?_

There's no time to dwell on it, as the head coach summons them all with a blast of his whistle. He gives them a typical orientation speech and all the members introduce themselves, stating their position and which high school they're from. Oikawa uses his most pleasant tone of voice so he can win over his upperclassmen and coaches from day one. He notices the official setter scrutinizing him and can't wait to show him and everyone else what he can do.

He uses his observation skills to the fullest to try to learn learn as much as he can about his teammates in the shortest time possible. He remembers useful things from when he visited the school, and after augmenting those with his new mental notes, he fits into their plays seamlessly, a fact he knows doesn't go unnoticed. It's not like he's expecting to be made a starter right away, but he has to be dead serious about this from day one so that he can snatch up every single opportunity to play and improve.

He's satisfyingly exhausted by the end of practice. There's such a high level of play all around that he knows he's going to be pushed to the limit to not only keep up with but hopefully lead the others in the future, and it excites him. After he says goodbye to Kuroo and Bokuto, deciding that for now it isn't worth reading too much into their earlier exchange, he heads out.

The moment he's out of the gym, he has his phone out to text Iwaizumi. It's hard to believe that he has to text him about how practice went. It still seems like he should've been there to see it for himself.

_Message sent, 7:16 p.m.  
iwa-chan!!!!!!!!! guess who's the star of his new team ☆⌒(≧▽° ) _

_Message received, 7:17 p.m.  
not you_

The immediate response fills him with both fondness and wistfulness.

_Message sent, 7:17 p.m.  
i can sense your jealousy from an entire prefecture over~_

_Message received, 7:19 p.m.  
are you going to say anything worth listening to or should i start my homework_

_Message sent, 7:20 p.m.  
what a diligent college student!! i'm so proud of iwa-chan_

_Message received, 7:20 p.m.  
alright bye_

_Message sent, 7:21 p.m.  
wait wait! i wanna hear about your team_

_Message received, 7:22 p.m.  
what you mean is "i wanna hear about your team's weaknesses"_

_Message sent, 7:23 p.m.  
why wouldn't i take advantage of having a spy on an enemy team?_

_Message received, 7:23 p.m.  
1) not your spy 2) i'm doing homework now_

_Message sent, 7:24 p.m.  
i'm more important than homework! tell me who's on your team. i've got bokuto koutarou ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ _

_Message received, 7:25 p.m.  
someone from karasuno came here_

_Message sent, 7:26 p.m.  
wow, you have the worst luck. which one is it?? is it refreshing-kun?_

_Message received, 7:27 p.m.  
why is he the only person you call -kun instead of -chan_

_Message received, 7:27 p.m.  
and no it's azumane_

_Message sent, 7:28 p.m.  
beat him at arm wrestling and make him cry ←~(Ψ▼ｰ▼)∈ _

_Message received, 7:28 p.m.  
he's my teammate oikawa_

_Message sent, 7:29 p.m.  
yeah but he deserves it!!_

_Message received, 7:30 p.m.  
are you going to tell me to harass semi too?_

_Message sent, 7:31 p.m.  
..._

_Message sent, 7:31 p.m.  
gross you have shiratorizawa germs_

_Message received, 7:31 p.m.  
at least it's not ushiwaka_

After Oikawa sends a few more messages detailing his disdain towards Iwaizumi's poor excuse of a new team, Iwaizumi insists he actually needs to go. Oikawa doesn't protest too much, because he has a lot to take care of too: unpacking and decorating his apartment, going over his class schedule and preparing everything he needs, grocery shopping so he doesn't starve. It's a shame the freedom of being an adult comes at the expense of having to be responsible, and the thought of balancing volleyball, classes, socializing, and taking care of himself and his apartment is more than a little daunting.

But he finds he's not too bad at time management when he's trying, and before long he gets into a routine. Of course, volleyball remains his number one priority. He's becoming well-acquainted with his teammates and their quirks, and the only thing unsettling him is the increasingly blatant flirtatious interactions between Kuroo and Bokuto.

Kuroo winks and speaks in innuendo, Bokuto bats his eyes and gets touchy-feely. It's not exactly over the top and they don't do it all the time, but Oikawa being who he is can't ignore it, and he doesn't understand what they're playing at, if they're playing at all.

Anyway, it's not his biggest concern. That honor is taken by Bokuto Koutarou's complete and utter inability to sync with the team.

It's not unheard of for a star athlete to fall from glory when changing teams. Sometimes, they simply can't perform outside of particular circumstances they were lucky enough to have in the past. But Oikawa knows that Bokuto is good, great even, and it would be a mistake to write him off as impossible to work with.

Oikawa doesn't think _anyone_ is impossible to work with.

His first step in solving this problem is finding recordings of Fukurodani's old matches to see what sort of team Bokuto did so well with. He learns that Bokuto was as unstable in the past as he is now, but that instability wasn't necessarily a weakness before. His team could compensate for his dramatic shifts in mood and the setter could read him like he was the simplest of kanji. When he was given time to recover, he came back stronger than ever, an unstoppable force-

-and nothing at all like the present Bokuto, whose spikes are mediocre at best and who is getting more and more frustrated with himself. He was given the opportunity to play in the first practice match of the year but when he failed to perform, he was sent back in what must've felt like shame to being second-string with the rest of the first-years.

The team is decently large, so Oikawa hasn't had many opportunities to practice specifically with Bokuto. Now that he's done his research and formulated a plan, he approaches him after practice one day and says, "I want to work on my tosses. Do you have time to stay and hit them?"

From behind Bokuto, Kuroo raises an eyebrow, and Oikawa can tell he sees exactly what he's doing, making his request seem like Bokuto is doing him a favor. But it doesn't matter if Kuroo knows what he's up to as long as Bokuto doesn't, and as expected, he doesn't catch on.

"Sure, I'll help you out!" he says. He's in one of his better moods, since practice went better for him than has become the norm, but he's still far from his high school performance level. Oikawa intends to make that night the start of a reverse.

"I'll stay too, if you don't mind," Kuroo says. "I could use some more spiking practice."

"No problem for me," Oikawa says cheerfully, getting into position.

Oikawa puts into practice everything he's figured out about Bokuto's strengths and weaknesses, his mental state, and his habits. The pay-off is obvious. When they're finished, Bokuto stares at his spiking hand in awe. Then he turns a huge grin on Kuroo. "See, I've still got it!"

"Looks that way." Kuroo directs his own grin at Oikawa. "I've never seen a setter besides Akaashi work so well with Bokuto. Very impressive, Oikawa."

Bokuto's eyes light up. "That's it! We make a great team! If the coach sees what we can do together, we'll be made starters in no time!"

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Kuroo laughs.

"I'm not. This is definitely happening." He raises his arms in a predictive victory pose. "And when it does, take me out to dinner to celebrate!"

"Like I don't do that all the time anyway, babe."

Their voices fade as they head into the locker room to get changed. Oikawa's own grin slips away as he watches them go, full of mixed feelings. He can work with Bokuto, but he's not sure he wants to. Though in the end, he can do nothing but treat his personal feelings towards a teammate as irrelevant.

Right after the three leave the gym together, Kuroo says, "Damn, I forgot my headphones. I'll catch up with you guys later."

Bokuto agrees and runs off, bursting with happy energy, but before Oikawa can take another step, Kuroo grabs his arm. "Let's talk."

Oikawa looks at him impassively and lets himself be pulled back inside the gym. He waits for Kuroo to say whatever he has to say.

"So you really can work with everyone," Kuroo says, looking at him thoughtfully. "Even people you don't like."

Oikawa pauses. "What makes you think I don't like Bokuto?"

"I don't think you like me _or_ Bokuto, and there are two possible reasons for that." Kuroo's eyes are as intense as Oikawa's ever seen them, though his overall countenance remains relaxed. Oikawa knows it's all poise; this isn't a spur-of-the-moment conversation, after all.

"Oh? And what are they?" Oikawa asks lightly. Regardless of what Kuroo's about to say or Oikawa's actual opinion on the matter, he has no intention of fighting with a teammate. The only teammates he's ever fought with are Kageyama and Iwaizumi, but they don't count, for very different reasons.

"Ah, but it would be more accurate to say those two reasons could explain how you feel about us flirting with each other. One is that it makes you uncomfortable. But you know what, Oikawa? You don't strike me as a homophobe. So I think our flirting pisses you off because you think we're treating it like a joke."

He stops talking to give Oikawa a chance to respond, but he doesn't know how to. Kuroo's usually more sly, hinting at things and thriving on implications, but now he's not mincing words at all. Oikawa doesn't want to react in any definite way yet, since he's unsure of Kuroo's motivation. So he says, "Aren't you?"

They have a short staring contest, until Kuroo apparently reaches some conclusion, nodding to himself. "We're not, not in the way you're thinking. I'm bi and I've known Bokuto for years, so we always joke around like that. He's only into women, but he doesn't flirt back with any malicious intention." Kuroo smirks. "Can you imagine that guy having malicious intention about anything?"

Oikawa's stuck on Kuroo's simple admission: _I'm bi_. He said it so casually, so different than Oikawa was when he came out to Iwaizumi, so much more straightforward than when he came out to Yahaba. He realizes he's staring again and says, "Is there a reason you're telling me all this, Kuro-chan? Seems like your own business."

"It is," Kuroo agrees. "But I think we've offended you."

"And why would I be offended?"

"Why indeed."

Without further ado, Kuroo reopens the gym door and walks out, gone by the time Oikawa follows.

Back in his apartment, Oikawa lays across the floor on the rug in front of his television, lost in thought. Almost on impulse, he pulls out his phone and messages Iwaizumi.

_Message sent, 9:03 p.m.  
there's a bi guy on my team_

For some reason, his heart pounds nervously as he waits for his phone to beep.

_Message received, 9:17 p.m.  
oh. are you interested?_

Oikawa almost doesn't reply. That's not the answer he wanted, though he can't say what is. He wonders what that "oh" even means. Is Iwaizumi relieved at the thought that Oikawa might move on?

_Message sent, 9:21 p.m.  
just because we both like guys doesn't mean we like each other, you know! ヾ(｀ヘ´)ﾉﾞ _

_Message received, 9:23 p.m.  
i know that, dumbass. it was just a question_

_Message sent, 9:25 p.m.  
well, i'm not. obviously_

He doesn't tack on the "because I love you" because that's obvious too.

-

At first, being away from Iwaizumi is weird and a little lonely, but there are so many new experiences to focus on that Oikawa manages. They text frequently and video chat when they can, and that helps too. But eventually, the loneliness becomes more powerful, more distracting. Iwaizumi isn't there to make an inside joke with out of something that just happened, he isn't there to make fun of the way Oikawa decorates his apartment, he isn't there to lend him an umbrella when he's forgotten his or buy him a drink from the vending machine when he's looking thirsty. It's in all these little ways that Oikawa finds he misses Iwaizumi the most.

That's why when he gets the news that he and Bokuto are going to going to play in an upcoming practice match, he asks Iwaizumi to come watch, and ends up as excited about Iwaizumi's promise to be there as he is about his college volleyball debut.

That day, he stands behind the serving line in a uniform that isn't aqua or white, feeling the potential of the ball in his hand. He dashes up and into a jump serve that is not as overpowering at the college level as it was against high school opponents but is still remarkably fast and difficult to receive. He's used to tuning out loud cheers when he plays, but part of him is listening, as though he could pick one voice out from the crowd. He saw where Iwaizumi chose to stand, his hands curled around the railing behind Oikawa's team's side, and he is sure he can feel his eyes on him as he serves, sets, receives, stabilizes Bokuto's mood when necessary.

He is also aware of a second pair of eyes, Kuroo's eyes, burning into him. They haven't talked outside of practice since Kuroo confronted him, but he's toned down the fake flirting with Bokuto. Oikawa wonders if he's supposed to be grateful.

The match goes by in a blur of energy and movement, and his team wins on a point scored by Bokuto and brilliantly set up by Oikawa. There are high-fives all around, and when he sees Iwaizumi waiting for him on the sidelines, he runs over and high-fives him as well.

"Go ahead, feel free to praise me," he preens.

Iwaizumi punches him on the shoulder. "Don't be an ass just because you know you did good." It's a compliment wrapped in an insult, and Oikawa accepts it happily.

But naturally they aren't allowed to have their own moment. "Oho? Who's this?" Kuroo asks, sidling up to them like a cat with no respect for personal space.

Oikawa answers him cordially. "He's a teammate from my high school." It's a laughable understatement, but it's impossible to convey who Iwaizumi is to him in just a few words. Besides, even "childhood friend" sounds too personal when he's around people he's learned to be wary of.

"Iwaizumi," he introduces himself.

"I'm Kuroo. Nice to meet you." He smiles and Oikawa hopes it's paranoia that's making it seem like something sinister. "Say, why don't you both come with us? I think Bokuto and a couple other guys want to grab ramen to celebrate."

Oikawa thinks it would be a waste of the Iwaizumi time he's been craving and he almost declines when Iwaizumi looks at him to see how he feels about the suggestion. He can't quite bear to walk away from his team after a victory, though. "Sounds good, Kuro-chan."

It has to be one of fate's cruel ironies that Oikawa keeps running into perceptive, nosy people who won't leave him alone. There's an disquieting premonition clinging to him as he walks out of the gym, Iwaizumi to one side and Kuroo to the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent way too much time picking out what kaomoji I thought Oikawa might use, so I hope it shows up on everyone's computers/phones...
> 
> Four more chapters after this! Thanks as always for the support.


	15. Chapter 15

Kuroo knows.

Oikawa's done nothing to indicate the one-sided romantic interest between him and Iwaizumi, he's sure of it. He's more careful than ever since Yahaba cautioned him. Though Oikawa's sure Kuroo's been searching for proof to solidify the vague implication he made the night he revealed his own sexuality, and judging from the shrewd, knowing look he has, he thinks he's found it.

He tries to ignore this and turns all his attention on the one who deserves it. "So, how's _your_ team doing? How bad is your setter compared to me?"

"He's good." Iwaizumi snatches up the french fry Oikawa's fingers were inching towards and pointedly eats it.

Oikawa's more offended by Iwaizumi's unconcerned statement than the lost fry. "I guess he might be okay, but there's no way he can set for you as well as I can!"

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. "I can play well with people I haven't known since I was six. If you're going to get competitive, save it for when our schools face each other."

Oikawa inwardly cringes, hoping Kuroo's eavesdropping hasn't picked up on that little tidbit about how long they've been friends. When he dares glance his way, though, he sees no one is really paying much attention to them at all. It's all team camraderie at that end of the table, currently in the form of Bokuto trying to fit as many sticks of pocky into his mouth at once as is humanly possible.

"Mmf mff!" he says, trying to get out a sentence without breaking any of the pocky with his teeth, resulting in it being nothing but a mumble. Somehow, Kuroo understands it.

"That's not the record. Not even close. I've seen Lev fit twice that."

Bokuto seems insulted at the notion. He bites into the pocky, gripping the ends of the sticks and pulling them free of his mouth. "Ah, who cares! This is a waste of pocky anyway."

"And we haven't eaten any real food yet," Oikawa feels compelled to point out.

"What, are you going to tell our mothers?" Kuroo smirks.

Iwaizumi snorts in amusement, undoubtedly because Kuroo came very close to saying to Oikawa what he always says to Iwaizumi.

Oikawa shoves at his shoulder. "Don't you dare bond with random people over being mean to me. That's just awful. You're awful."

"Like you don't bring it upon yourself."

Oikawa's going to argue, but Bokuto manages to bring the attention back to himself. Brandishing another, unopened package of pocky, he says, "Let's play a game!"

Oikawa knows approximately one game that can be played with pocky, and his sinking feeling is confirmed when Kuroo's eyes do that twinkling thing they do. He would almost accuse him of planning this, if he didn't know that this is well within the normal range of things Bokuto will randomly do.

"The pocky game is so high school," Oikawa says, wrinkling his nose, as though he wasn't a high schooler a mere two months ago.

" _You're_ so high school," Bokuto retorts. "Play with me, Kuroo!"

"Sure thing."

They each place one end of the pocky stick in their mouths. Oikawa can easily imagine this game ending in a draw, not believing either of them would mind a quick kiss for the sake of victory. But whether it's the public setting or the other teammates that have tagged along, they're more reserved with their affection than usual and Kuroo wins when Bokuto bites off his end of the stick and pulls back at the last second.

"I win," Kuroo smirks.

"I got the chocolate half, so I think _I_ won," Bokuto says.

"Definitely not what the rules say, but have it your way," Kuroo says easily. With an unnecessarily languid motion, he pulls out another pocky stick out and turns to Oikawa. "You game?"

Oikawa tries to convey the intent of a glare without actually appearing hostile. He's sure Kuroo gets the message, but he acts perfectly clueless, holding out the pocky stick towards Oikawa more like it's a weapon than a snack. "Didn't I just say this game was childish?"

"We're eighteen. We don't have to grow up yet." He puts one end into his mouth and waits.

Oikawa huffs, but figures the awkward situation will be over faster if he complies. Kuroo and Bokuto played, so there's no reason for anyone to think it's any stranger for Kuroo and Oikawa to.

He doesn't look over at Iwaizumi, though he does wonder if he's guessed who the "bi guy" he mentioned in his text is. With the pocky in his mouth, he's forced to look straight into Kuroo's eyes. Oikawa's known for his intensity and can stare down his opponents like a true predator. Kuroo's intensity is different. It's subtle, more like quicksand, so that people don't realize the danger until it's too late.

Kuroo's lips are two inches away from his, one inch, a centimeter. Oikawa hates losing, but he also hates the thought of his first kiss with a guy being in a situation like this, in front of the guy he actually wants to kiss. That feeling proves stronger and he backs off.

"Looks like I'm the undefeated champion," Kuroo says.

The game ends with that statement, Oikawa grateful he's been spared the suggestion of him and Iwaizumi playing a round. He wouldn't put it past Kuroo to say such a thing, but apparently he does have some measure of mercy, somewhere deep inside him.

Or not, he learns, when Kuroo nonchalantly adds, "It's easy to win when your opponent is so pretty." He grins slyly at Oikawa, keeping a joking air about him, most likely for the benefit of their teammates, so they don't take his remark seriously. It helps when Bokuto starts demanding to know if that's why Kuroo thinks he beat him, too.

Oikawa doesn't even have a retort. He's never been called pretty before. Handsome and good-looking and gorgeous, yes, but never pretty. He thinks pretty is a word for girls. Though, if he had to describe Kuroo's image, the combination of his eyes and sleek figure and soft-looking hair, then maybe pretty wouldn't be too inaccurate. But he isn't interested in Kuroo's looks. His type is Iwaizumi and Iwaizumi alone.

Iwaizumi isn't similarly lacking in retorts, it seems. "Pretty annoying, I think you mean." He gulps down the rest of his drink and stands up, saying he's going to find the bathroom.

Bokuto manages to eat the rest of the pocky while he's gone and immediately starts complaining of a stomachache. The rest of the meal passes normally, most of the talk centered on volleyball and adjusting to college. They grill Iwaizumi for details of his own college to see where they've gotten the short end of the stick.

Naturally, majors come up soon enough. Oikawa doesn't care about any career besides being a professional volleyball player, but he does have a few interests in the realm of academics, and has chosen to study psychology. "All the better to dissect people's innermost thoughts and psyches," he explains happily.

"Psychology is interesting," Kuroo agrees. "We might have a class together sooner or later, but my major is biology."

"'Cause Kuroo's a _nerd_ ," Bokuto says.

"Yeah, yeah," Kuroo says, not sounding offended in the slightest. Oikawa gets the feeling it's not the first time Bokuto's called him that. "Better a nerd than someone who can't even decide on a major."

Bokuto scowls at that and bangs his fist on the table, rattling everyone's drinks. "Why can't I major in volleyball?"

"This is going to be a long four years," Kuroo sighs. He turns to Iwaizumi and asks, "So what are you studying?"

Iwaizumi shifts in his chair and Oikawa knows he would be more comfortable if the conversation turned from studying to anything else. "History, maybe."

"Because Iwa-chan likes to read about samurai and pretend he is one!" Oikawa volunteers.

Iwaizumi pinches his arm hard. "Yeah, when I was _seven_."

"And eight, and nine, and don't forget I have pictures from the Halloween party when we were ten too!"

"At least I didn't dress up as-"

Oikawa claps his hand over Iwaizumi's mouth, blushing as he remembers his own costume. "Okay, okay, enough reminiscing! Less about the past, more about the future!"

But as soon as he removes his hand from Iwaizumi's mouth, he finishes his sentence. "-Tinkerbell."

Oikawa's teammates burst into laughter and Oikawa frowns at them. "She's very relatable, okay?"

"Now those are pictures I'd like to see," Kuroo says.

Oikawa crosses his arms. "I was a male Tinkerbell, thank you very much."

"Meaning you didn't wear a skirt? A shame."

"See what you've done, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa scowls at him. "Now my teammates are picturing me in a skirt."

"Oh, it wouldn't be the first time," Kuroo murmurs, only loud enough for their side of the table to hear, and Oikawa's blush reaches feverish proportions.

Despite all the embarrasment, the night still ends too quickly. It's out of his way, but Oikawa walks with Iwaizumi to the train station and hovers in front of the ticket gates, prolonging their conversation until Iwaizumi finally says he has to go.

When he's on the other side of the ticket gates, Oikawa calls to him, "I'll come watch you play, too!"

Iwaizumi nods back at him, and then he's gone amidst the influx of people streaming out of the station.

-

Oikawa looks from the ball in his hands to the players on the other side of the court. As he moves into a jump serve, he aims precisely as usual, but not at one of the weaker receivers or towards the margins of the court. Instead, he aims it to rebound up into Kuroo Tetsurou's smug face.

It isn't smug right now, since he's focused on the game, but Oikawa can remember all too well how pleased with himself he was at the dinner with Iwaizumi. Delightfully, his look turns to one of surprise right before he alters his position and uses an overhand receive to send the ball to his side's setter.

A perfect recovery. Oikawa would be more impressed, but he's still pissed about Kuroo's uncalled-for flirting. Kuroo gets the hint and alludes to it himself after practice.

"Your aim really is _killer_ , Oikawa," he drawls.

"Thank you, Kuro-chan. Your receives are impeccable as usual," he says, toweling off his sweat.

"I can appreciate nonverbal communication as much as the next guy, but if you have something to say..." He raises an eyebrow at Oikawa.

Oikawa glances over at him and drops the towel on the bench. "Don't mess with me in front of Iwa-chan, okay? It's not funny."

Kuroo regards him silently, then says, "Sorry, Oikawa. I wasn't trying to mess with you."

"Yeah, I know. That's why I'll forgive you _this_ time." He purses his lips then forces an apology through them. "Sorry I almost broke your face."

"Oh, please. There was no chance I wasn't going to get that receive."

"Are you daring me to try again?"

The atmosphere between them relaxes after that. Oikawa thinks he has enough in common with Kuroo that they could really become friends, but not so much in common that they'll be at each other's throats. Bokuto is part of the package deal, and while Oikawa doesn't usually pick to spend time with people who draw the attention away from him, he finds them settling into a loose trio among their teammates and it isn't so bad.

At least, not until Oikawa is forced to realize that the more time he spends with Kuroo and Bokuto, the less he seems to be spending talking to his best friend.

Something's changed there, too, but Oikawa can't pin down what it is or why. Iwaizumi doesn't seem any different, not really. He has the same blunt tone, whether during video chats or texts. The content doesn't change, either: insults, threats, casual conversation.

All the same, it's _different_. It feels like Iwaizumi is the one wearing a mask now. Like even when Oikawa is looking straight at him, the image is skewed, like there's a thick slab of glass between them.

It puts him on edge, but there's no basis to accuse Iwaizumi of anything. He lets volleyball become his distraction once more and garners the favor of the coaches with his performance, earning a spot as pinch server. He marks the date on his calendar when his school is supposed to go up against Ushijima's. He studies as much as time allows, he spends time with Kuroo and Bokuto and his other teammates, he politely turns down every girl who confesses to him. The days pass like this, and then the routine breaks when Iwaizumi stops texting him.

_Message sent, 6:14 a.m.  
iwa-channnn morning practice sucks_

_Message sent, 7:58 a.m.  
the person in front of me in line bought the last milk bread... if i kill him will you help me hide the body_

_Message sent, 12:52 p.m.  
did you know there's scientific evidence that cats have dreams_

_Message sent, 8:00 p.m.  
IWA-CHAN_

It's not unthinkable for Iwaizumi to be too busy to check his phone. He's probably going to text back an annoyed "shut up, dumbass" any minute. And it's not like Oikawa's never purposely ignored messages from Iwaizumi before. Even so, when combined with the strange feeling he's had lately, it feels too off. He can't focus on studying at all that night, simply staring down at a diagram of the sympathetic nervous system until the labels become a blur.

The next day, he decides he has legitimate reason to worry, because Iwaizumi still hasn't answered him. After a few more ignored texts, he calls him and leaves a very indignant voicemail. Then he regrets it, because it hasn't actually been that long since they talked, and he doesn't want Iwaizumi to feel like he's being too clingy. He resolves not to message or call him again, even when he doesn't hear from him the next day either.

On Saturday night, when he's forcing himself to review for an upcoming exam though he wants to do nothing but go to the gym and slam volleyballs against the floor until he feels a little stress relief, there's a knock at the door.

He expects Kuroo and Bokuto coming to bug him into hanging out again. He hopes for someone else, but it's an outlandish hope, so he's shocked when he opens the door and it's really Iwaizumi.

"Iwa-chan," he says, standing in the doorway and feeling unusually awkward. To cover it up, he pouts and complains, "It's not nice to ignore people, you know."

Iwaizumi shoves past him silently and Oikawa closes the door. He can't help but feel that this is it. Iwaizumi's going to tell him they can't be friends anymore. He thinks his feelings are too weird, too suffocating. He's going to-

"You put that stupid poster up? Seriously?" Iwaizumi's looking up at the spot above his desk where he pinned a poster from an animated science fiction movie that gave him nightmares when he was a child. The poster's so old that the edges are all torn and it's stained across the robot's face, but Oikawa felt nostalgic when packing and brought it anyway.

He scowls at Iwaizumi, "You don't get to ignore me for _three whole days_ and then appear out of nowhere to insult my choice of apartment decor!"

Iwaizumi looks like he's going to retort in his typical brusque manner, but instead he pauses and turns away from Oikawa. After a moment he turns back and says, "When we were applying to high schools and you were invited to Shiratorizawa, I should've told you to go."

Oikawa almost takes a step back. That stings to hear. It hurts a lot to think Iwaizumi would've preferred them separating earlier than college. "Thanks a lot, Iwa-chan. I don't think I was that bad of a teammate."

Iwaizumi immediately shakes his head. "No, that's not what I meant, you idiot. I meant, if you'd gone to Shiratorizawa, you would've been able to play at nationals. You deserved a chance like that. You were good enough for it- you _are_ good enough for it. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew Shiratorizawa had a better chance of taking you to nationals and I almost told you to choose it, but I didn't."

Oikawa can't figure out where this is coming from. Iwaizumi going from ignoring him to practically parroting Ushijima's opinion about Oikawa's choice of high school has lost him, so he says the one thing he is sure of. "I never would've gone. Shiratorizawa is the last high school in the whole prefecture I would've chosen."

Iwaizumi's chest heaves with a deep breath. "I know. But back then, I couldn't bring myself to suggest it anyway, because I wanted you to choose Aoba Jousai, with me. I wanted us to play together, especially because I knew we'd probably end up at different colleges one day."

"...Okay? I wanted us to play together, too." If there's a point to what Iwaizumi's telling him, Oikawa can't see it. He's not used to being unable to see through to the core of Iwaizumi's words; maybe that's proof a rift's been growing between them all along.

"That's not what I'm trying to say, though," Iwaizumi says, frustrated.

Oikawa frowns. "Should I give you the advice you always give me and tell you to spit it out, then?"

"Shut up for once," Iwaizumi says, seeming to regain his purpose. "We've known each other since we were six. I can barely remember anything from when I was a kid without you being there, too. And when I think about the future, I can't imagine you not being there. I want you to be there."

It's like the temperature in the room's gone up twenty degrees and it's affecting Oikawa's ability to think clearly, or at all. He doesn't get what Iwaizumi's saying. He only knows what he wants him to be saying, but there's no way it would be. He can't get his hopes up again, reading too much into things, only to be crushed by reality again. He can't.

Iwaizumi continues, saving him from having to somehow formulate a response. "At our graduation, Yahaba asked to talk to me alone. He said that he liked you and was thinking of confessing, but wanted to know if that would be okay with me. I was surprised, but I told him to do whatever he wanted. It didn't feel right and I didn't know why. But after I saw you and Kuroo, I knew why." His gaze darkens. "Seeing you with girls never bothered me, because you were never serious about them. You could be serious about a guy, though, whether it's Yahaba or Kuroo or someone else."

"You told me I'd find someone else. That's what you wanted." Oikawa looks at him, desperate, on the edge of an even deeper hurt.

"I thought it was, because I like girls. But apparently I like guys too and I never realized it because the guy I like is my best friend and I thought the way I felt was how all best friends felt."

Iwaizumi's eyes might not have the same natural magnetism that Kuroo's do, but as far as Oikawa's concerned, their pull is infinitely greater. Oikawa can't look anywhere else as he manages to make his mouth work and murmurs a quiet, "Iwa-chan?"

Slowly but not hesitantly, Iwaizumi reaches out and takes his hand. He presses their palms together, his fingertips not quite reaching Oikawa's. Then he slips his fingers through Oikawa's, curling them. Oikawa's reminded abruptly of the day Ai broke up with him, when Iwaizumi put his hand over his. But this is different. It isn't comfort, it's a statement. Oikawa remains frozen in place, his fingers stiff and unable to curl over Iwaizumi's hand in return. He just gives his best friend a bewildered look.

In return, Iwaizumi offers him a smile. His smiles are as rare as Oikawa's genuine ones, and overwhelmingly powerful. "I want to be with you, Oikawa. Always."

Oikawa remembers how to move all at once, flinging his arms around Iwaizumi's shoulders, torn between tears and a grin so wide it hurts.

He wants to be with Iwaizumi.

And Iwaizumi wants to be with him.

Iwaizumi sighs as he pats his back. "Are you crying again?"

"I'm not!" His voice threatens to break and he amends, "Maybe a little, but honestly, you made me wait so long! I think it's justified!"

"Yeah, yeah." Iwaizumi pulls back and wipes the tears that have leaked out with his shirt sleeve.

Oikawa feels like he needs to hear it again, just to be sure. "So you really like me? The way I like you?"

Iwaizumi almost seems embarrassed this time, but he nods.

"So why didn't you just tell me that?" Oikawa demands. "Where did you disappear to?"

"I was thinking," he says. "And I was talking to Yahaba."

"About what? His so-called crush on me? Because I'm pretty sure that was just his attempt at matchmaking, Iwa-chan."

"Yeah, I figured that out myself." He looks down at their laced fingers and squeezes his hand in a way that seems more subconscious than anything. "I had a lot to think about, and I wanted to ask him some things. The last thing I wanted to do was be wrong about how I was feeling and hurt you more."

Hearing that provides Oikawa both relief and confidence. Iwaizumi is short-tempered, but not rash. He doesn't do spontaneous things he'll end up regretting. That means he's as certain about this as Oikawa is, which is beyond surreal.

In his dream-like state, he asks, "What sage advice did little Yahaba-chan give you?"

"I told you, I had to be sure that I could feel the same way about guys that I do about girls." Iwaizumi's mouth turns down in that stern, serious expression he gets. "He said I could kiss him and see what it was like."

Oikawa blinks. Then he exclaims, " _What_? You didn't, did you?"

"I did."

The admission ends bluntly, and Oikawa can understand the reasoning behind going along with Yahaba's suggestion and appreciate that Iwaizumi was only trying to keep Oikawa from getting hurt, but still. Still. "That _brat_! That's not even- Ugh! I can't believe you kissed Yahaba-chan! And _liked_ it apparently, since you figured things out after that!"

"Shut up." Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. "It's not like that was my first kiss."

"I can't believe I have to kill my successor," Oikawa says mournfully, causing Iwaizumi to let go of his hand to pinch his cheek.

"Stop being an ass."

Oikawa pouts at him. But slowly, it morphs into a grin. "Only if you kiss me now. I think I've waited long enough."

Iwaizumi gives him a long look. "No."

Oikawa's pout returns in an instant. "Why not? It's not fair that you kissed Yahaba but you won't kiss me!"

"That's a bad reason for our first kiss," Iwaizumi says firmly. "I will kiss you, but not because you're jealous."

The phrase "I will kiss you" in Iwaizumi's low, steady voice is quite easily the most beautiful thing he's ever heard and it placates him for now. He's fantasized about kissing Iwaizumi for what feels like an eternity; he supposes waiting a little longer won't kill him.

"Aww, Iwa-chan, I had no idea you were such a romantic," he teases.

"Die."

"But I've got so much to live for," Oikawa says, and he smiles one of the most genuine smiles of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can almost hear the collective "FINALLY!" being shouted by my lovely and patient readers. So tell me, was it worth the wait? I spent extra care editing this chapter and I'm so happy to finally share it with everyone.
> 
> On a more somber note, last week's election results have shaken me up, and I'm sure it's the same for many of you too. But I am not giving up and I am not going to stand for everything the LGBT community has accomplished to be unraveled. We deserve to live proudly, not in the closet. We're going to make it through this. If anyone wants to talk about it, I'm always here to lend an ear. You can also message me on tumblr (chakani.tumblr.com) on or off anon.
> 
> Oikawa knows he's got so much to live for, and we do, too.


	16. Chapter 16

The first person he tells is, of course, Yahaba.

He calls him the next morning before class, activating speaker phone so he can shove all his books and folders into his bag while talking, since he never wakes up early enough to be able to prepare for classes leisurely.

Yahaba answers on the second ring, voice crisp and clear like the morning person he probably is. "Good morning, Oikawa-san."

"Yahaba-chan," Oikawa says sweetly, "has anyone ever told you that you're a meddling brat? Because you are. You really, really are."

"I know," he says. "I would apologize, but you sound rather happy."

Oikawa can't cover it up. "Well, I am. Iwa-chan likes me! Isn't that amazing?" He both sounds and feels like a starstuck teenager meeting their idol, and it's because he's known Iwaizumi his whole life that he knows he _should_ be amazed by what a great person he is. He's not desensitized to that through time at all.

"I'm happy for you too, senpai. I thought he might just need a little encouragment. I'm glad it all worked out."

"Me too." He zips up his bag and says the last thing he has to say to Yahaba. "But you know I'm never going to forgive you for kissing him."

"I wasn't expecting you to thank me." There's a hint of devilishness in his voice now. "But that's okay. The act was its own reward."

"Good _bye_ , Yahaba-chan, don't let the Mad Dogs bite!" He jabs the end call button and finds he isn't really upset. A little jealous, since he doesn't know when Iwaizumi will agree to kiss him, but once he finally does, Oikawa will simply kiss him more times than anyone else can dream of.

On his way to class, he scrolls through his contacts, mood slowly dampening as he does so. He realizes he can't tell anyone besides Yahaba that he and Iwaizumi are more than friends now. There's just no way of knowing how they'll react. It feels like this is tumultous ground, where otherwise sensible and decent people prove themselves cruel. He's even afraid to tell Matsukawa and Hanamaki, because when him being gay ends up as more than a locker room joke, they might not take it so lightheartedly. He does consider telling Kuroo, but he doesn't want to chance Bokuto and therefore everyone within a ten kilometer radius also finding out.

But at least he can say it aloud, in the sanctity of his apartment. "Iwa-chan and I are dating," he's informed the posters on his walls more than once. "Because he likes me. I bet he thinks about me all the time," he adds to the volleyball resting in the corner. "We're boyfriends and we're going to be together forever," he says to his reflection, and both of their grins deepen.

Oikawa's impatient all the time to see Iwaizumi again, but when they finally have coinciding weekends free, he feels a tinge of awkwardness. Almost hesitantly, he asks, "So it's going to be a date, right?"

"I mean, yeah," Iwaizumi says, also sounding somewhat awkward over the phone. "But don't expect flowers or some shit."

"I'm optimistic, not delusional," he laughs. "I just want Iwa-chan to be Iwa-chan."

When the weekend comes, their first date is as wonderful as Oikawa both hoped and expected, though it isn't all that different from how they usually hang out. It's not like, even if either of them were the romantic type, they could show it in public. Oikawa does wish he could hold Iwaizumi's hand, but he knows better.

Iwaizumi must be thinking the same thing, because at the restaurant they sit on the same side of the booth and Iwaizumi's hand finds his under the table. It takes Oikawa much longer than necessary to finish his food, because every time he puts his chopsticks down, he reaches for Iwaizumi's hand again, more satisfied by it than the meal.

Afterwards, they pass by a movie theater and check out the lifesize posters of the current lineup. Movie theaters with their excessively buttered popcorn and sociability are fun, but Oikawa says, "Let's watch a movie at my place instead, okay?" He wants to be able to hold Iwaizumi's hand without hiding it in the darkness, and he wants to lean his head against Iwaizumi's shoulder without worrying what other people might say or do.

So they head to his apartment, and Oikawa is highly cognizant of the fact that they're going to be all alone. It makes perfect sense to him that he'd get his first kiss on their first date, and he hopes Iwaizumi sees it the same way.

This expectation, however, makes it impossible to focus anything else. He subtly inches closer on the sofa to Iwaizumi every few minutes. Iwaizumi only notices when he pulls his gaze from the ongoing action scene, a rare feat for him, to look to his side. Oikawa's ready with a defense that starts with a reminder that they're boyfriends now, but it turns out he doesn't need it. Iwaizumi puts an arm around Oikawa's shoulders and easily pulls him the rest of the way to his side, leaving his arm wrapped around him and going back to watching the movie like nothing's happened. Oikawa feels embarrassingly breathless at how Iwaizumi can win his heart all over again with zero effort.

When there's a lull in the movie's plot, Oikawa knows this is the moment. They're already as close as can be without Oikawa crawling in Iwaizumi's lap, which is admittedly tempting. He half-turns to Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi turns to him too. Oikawa's ready to lean in when Iwaizumi says, "I'm thinking about telling my mom about us."

Oikawa can't hide his shock at hearing that instead of being kissed, which is well enough, because there's no way he can't respond. "You- what? You can't do that."

Iwaizumi frowns. "I can't tell my mom something about my life?"

"No, you _can't_ ," Oikawa emphasizes. "You know she'll tell my mom and-" And he's not ready to deal with that. He'll never be ready to deal with that.

"So then what? We never tell our parents?"

"Yes, exactly."

Iwaizumi pauses the movie, his arm suddenly heavier now that Oikawa feels like they're on the verge of an argument.

"Come on. You know we can't do that, Oikawa. Trying to keep it a secret from everyone is a stupid idea." He looks at him openly, almost earnestly. "Did you forget how miserable you were last time you tried keeping something like this secret?"

"Did _you_ forget how my life was almost ruined just from rumors?" Oikawa throws back. "I mean, tell your mom you're bisexual if you want, but leave me out of it." He pauses. "What am I supposed to do if she doesn't want us to see each other anymore?" He doesn't want to lose his second home and his second mother over this. And he's afraid too that the friendship between their mothers that goes back as long as theirs does will fall apart, and it would be all Oikawa's fault. He instigated everything, after all, by being unable to keep from falling in love with his best friend.

"Even if she doesn't, it wouldn't stop me, idiot," Iwaizumi says.

"I know, I know. But we don't have to tell anyone right away, do we?" Oikawa asks, hoping hard to get a yes but knowing that just as their parents can't stop them from being together now that they're adults, Oikawa equally can't stop Iwaizumi from telling anyone anything.

But luckily, Iwaizumi relents. "I guess not." He unpauses the movie and settles back into the couch. "I'll wait until you're ready."

"My patient Iwa-chan," Oikawa says, forcing a smile and leaning against him.

There's no kiss that night after all.

-

The more Oikawa thinks about it, the guiltier he feels. He doesn't know if it's right of him to force Iwaizumi to keep a secret that can become so painful. It's not certain Iwaizumi's mother would react badly or blab to Oikawa's mother, though if the latter did happen, it would definitely be disastrous. She's always been proud of him, in terms of showing off his volleyball awards to the neighbors at least, but she likes things to be calm and uneventful. She won't want to know that her son doesn't fit into her ideal of the norm.

Then there's the rest of his family to consider. He can't imagine his father taking it any better. His father is everything he has no intention of becoming: a salaryman who works late hours and stays out even later drinking with colleagues. Since it's been that way as long as Oikawa can remember, his father doesn't feel like more than an afterthought or a footnote, but just because he's never been a big part of his life doesn't mean he wouldn't take Oikawa's sexuality as a personal insult. On the other hand, he almost thinks he could tell Ibuki and she wouldn't blink, but he doesn't want to create an invisible wall of secrets between them and their parents at every family gathering. 

But maybe Iwaizumi's mother, who has always seemed so carefree, will be calm like Ibuki. She was never bothered by Oikawa dropping by unannounced from elementary school onward, and when Oikawa got his first phone, she programmed her number into it and told him he could always call her if he needed something and couldn't reach his mother.

Oikawa's head spins with these thoughts, weighing the pros and cons, going through potential scenarios like it's an upcoming volleyball game against opponents he knows too well and yet not well enough.

The weeks pass and Iwaizumi stays true to his word and doesn't bring it up again. Then it's the day Oikawa circled in red on his calendar when the school year began: the first day of summer vacation, for both him and Iwaizumi, who catch the same train back to Miyagi.

He's overwhelmed by nostalgia he didn't know he was capable of those first few days back, as he and Iwaizumi visit the restaurants and shops that used to be the background scenery of their lives. Even being smothered by their relatives' excitement to see them again, as though they were gone for years instead of months and were on another planet instead of in another prefecture, isn't much of a bother, especially when he admits to himself he feels much the same way about seeing his old teammates again.

"Come on, Iwa-chan, you're so slow," Oikawa complains, wishing he could grab him by the hand and drag him along towards the cafe they're meeting Hanamaki and Matsukawa at, but there are too many people around. He has to settle for whining, which does little to coax Iwaizumi forward.

"Look, the cafe isn't going to run out of seats and Matsukawa's never been on time for anything other than volleyball games in his life. There's no rush."

"I'm going to tell them you aren't excited to see them at all," Oikawa threatens, but again, it's to no avail.

It's just as well, because there's no sign of the other two when they reach the cafe, and Oikawa resigns himself to the truth of Iwaizumi's words. They get a booth around the corner, away from the only other patrons there during the pre-lunch quiet. Oikawa gives the menu a cursory glance but they hold off on ordering anything yet, so Oikawa has nothing to do but tap his fingers on the table impatiently and glance over at the door every thirty seconds.

Iwaizumi pokes his forehead. "I'm going to tell them you were way _too_ excited to see them. Seriously, we talk to them every day."

"Text messages aren't the same and emoticons can never fully do justice to my large array of emotions," Oikawa informs him.

"That's nothing to brag about, dumbass."

Oikawa grumbles to himself about Iwaizumi's heartlessness, but he does manage to quieten down somewhat and instead starts thinking. There's a thought, a desire, making its way to the surface of his consciousness and it's the reason he's been overly chatty and loud, trying to keep it away so he doesn't have to address it. But he makes himself now, gathering his resolve.

Parents are still out of the question, but maybe...

"Do you want to tell them?" he asks abruptly.

Iwaizumi looks up from his phone, surprised. It's obvious what Oikawa's referring to, even if he provided no context. "Why are you suggesting that all of a sudden?"

Oikawa shifts on his side of the booth, wondering if he's just going to piss Iwaizumi off since he was so adamant that they keep their relationship secret. "I mean, you told me a long time ago you thought they'd be okay if I told them about myself, so it shouldn't be much worse if we tell them a slightly bigger secret than that, right?"

"I'm not against it. That's not why I was asking." Iwaizumi considers him. "You aren't trying to force yourself to come out because of what I said, are you?"

"Honestly, Iwa-chan, you call _me_ self-centered and then you make this all about you!" He yelps when Iwaizumi kicks his foot under the table and pouts at him. "Okay, fine, that did make me think about it. But that's not the whole reason. I always trusted Makki and Mattsun as teammates, so I think I can trust them now, too. It would be easier to tell them than other people."

Iwaizumi nods. "I think so too. Do you want to tell them when they get here or later?"

This makes Oikawa hesitate. It's one thing to commit to telling them and another to figure out how to do so. "What exactly are we supposed to say, though? Since it's them, they'll probably think it's a joke. Especially if I tell them."

"So I'll tell them," Iwaizumi shrugs.

"Word choice is important. You better think it through!" Oikawa warns him.

"You're making too big a deal out of it. Those two are our friends, Oikawa. All we have to say is that we're dating and-"

"Holy shit."

Oikawa and Iwaizumi freeze and then their heads whip around in unison to find Hanamaki and Matsukawa standing right behind their booth by the corner, Matsukawa with his hand over his mouth as though he can take back his exclamation that way. They're staring at them, looking equally shocked, and Oikawa's mouth goes dry.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa glance at each other and seem to recover first, sliding into the booth's opposite side. Oikawa feels trapped and he grips Iwaizumi's knee under the table.

Hanamaki is the first to speak. "Sucks that we have to be the ones to tell you this, but this is unacceptable."

"Absolutely," Matsukawa says.

Iwaizumi's mouth pinches into his usual frown and Oikawa feels a sudden, sharp nausea. So he was right in the first place, they have to keep this secret, no one is ever going to accept a love as strange and dirty as theirs-

"You two are dating but you're still calling him by his last name, Iwaizumi?" Hanamaki shakes his head in disappointment.

"That's way too stiff," Matsukawa agrees.

Oikawa stares at them, wordless. He can see they're not any less surprised, but they're covering it up. Moving forward with the conversation.

Accepting them as they are.

A tentative smile spreads across his face. "You know, Iwa-chan, they have a point," he says, looking back to him.

Iwaizumi's frown has disappeared, which for him is usually as good as a smile. But he doesn't agree with Oikawa, instead scoffing, "If you want me to use a nickname for you, I've already got plenty, Asskawa."

"That's not what they meant and you know it!" Oikawa says, insulted.

"Oh, don't think you're off the hook either, captain," Hanamaki says with a hint of a smirk. "I think you can do a little better than-"

Iwaizumi gives him a warning look and he finishes with "-what you usually call him."

Now it's Oikawa's turn to protest. The nickname he uses isn't intimate, it's fond and teasing, and switching from that to Iwaizumi's first name like they're getting at sounds like a drastic change. "No one asked for your advice anyway!"

"You may not have asked for it, but you clearly need it," Hanamaki says sagely.

Before they can bicker over the name issue more, Matsukawa waves the waitress over and they all order their favorites. By the time she's walking away, the atmosphere has more or less returned to normalcy. Oikawa feels like he's been given permission to breathe and only after taking in that first lungful did he realize he was suffocating.

They talk about college for awhile, but eventually conversation veers back to Oikawa and Iwaizumi's relationship. Matsukawa sounds more awkward than he ever has when he asks, "So how long has it been?"

"Not long," Oikawa says. "Iwa-chan knew he wasn't worthy of me, you see, so he was hesitating-"

"Like hell that's how it happened," Iwaizumi interrupts. As usual, he goes on to address the others present in a friendlier tone. "It hasn't been long. You two are the first we've told."

Excluding Yahaba, but Oikawa doesn't mention that, since he isn't going to spill Yahaba's own secret.

"Then we are truly honored," Hanamaki says, placing a hand on his chest.

"Our captain and vice captain, together." A smile flickers across Matsukawa's face. "It makes sense. Who can put up with Oikawa besides Iwaizumi? And Iwaizumi was always doing that thing where he watched Oikawa at practice and during games and during breaks and at lunch- and yeah, maybe we should've figured it out ourselves."

Iwaizumi looks a little embarrassed. "It's not that weird for childhood friends."

"You two have always gone above and beyond the whole childhood friends thing, don't act like you haven't." Hanamaki becomes more serious then, speaking to Oikawa. "So, all those times in high school we teased you about those rumors..."

Oikawa doesn't want to dwell on that. "You didn't know," he says lightly, knowing they'll get the hint that he doesn't want to talk about it but doubting they'll take it.

"We still shouldn't have made it into a joke. Sorry, Oikawa," Matsukawa says and Hanamaki nods his own apology.

It doesn't change how he felt alienated from his friends back then. It doesn't weaken the memories of being looked at in disgust by his classmates, of feeling awkward every time he had to change with the others in the clubroom. But Oikawa can see their remorse and he accepts it.

"You can make it up to me in ten easy installments of milk bread apiece," he announces generously.

"So materialistic. You truly have my condolences, Iwaizumi." Hanamaki claps Iwaizumi on the shoulder, face grim with mock sympathy.

With the serious part of the conversation at an end, Oikawa lets himself relax while pretending to be insulted, keeping up the act until the bill comes and Hanamaki and Matsukawa snatch it up and pay for everything as a token of their blessing, as they put it.

Iwaizumi walks with Oikawa back the familiar route, but instead of splitting off at the intersection, he goes with him until he gets to his front door.

"You look happy," he says.

"I _am_ happy."

It was scary, that moment when he didn't know if Matsukawa and Hanamaki were going to continue to be their friends. But now he's starting to have hope. There's proof that spilling his secret doesn't automatically equate to catastrophe, after all.

"Good," Iwaizumi says. He squeezes his hand and promises to call him later, leaving Oikawa feeling emphatically unkissed. He sighs, craving their first kiss more every time what seems like the perfect opportunity passes them by.

Summer vacation ends before he feels rested, but it's fine, because he's eager to get back to volleyball. His excitment peaks when his game versus Iwaizumi's school finally arrives, and he's grateful it's on a Saturday so he doesn't have to suffer through classes he wouldn't be able to concentrate in anyway.

It's right before he needs to leave to prepare for the game when his phone rings. He frowns, knowing it's not Iwaizumi because he has a special ringtone and unsure who else would be calling him right then. He digs his phone out of the bag he just packed it in and sees that it's his mother.

He hits accept. "Hey, I'm about to leave for my game."

"Tooru," she says, and she pronounces his name with such unusual formality that Oikawa knows something is wrong. That's the tone of voice she gets when something in her neat, uneventful life is stirring things up, and it fills Oikawa with instant dread. "I need to ask you a question."

"Okay," he says, steadying himself with a hand on the wall, trying not to jump to conclusions but already feeling numb.

"Who is Takahashi-kun?" she asks, and Oikawa's world shatters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys didn't think the angst was over, did you? If only Iwaizumi returning Oikawa's feelings had solved everything...
> 
> Also, just for a fun fact: the scene where they tell Matsukawa and Hanamaki they're dating was one of the first I outlined when starting this fic. Please don't be like them and momentarily terrify your friends who are trying to come out to you.


	17. Chapter 17

Oikawa can remember the first time he lied to Iwaizumi about being hurt. Unsurprisingly, it was only a couple of months into their friendship, when they were in their first year of grade school. Iwaizumi liked Oikawa because he could keep up with him in gym class and Oikawa liked Iwaizumi because he let him talk as much as he wanted. When they found out they lived close to each other, they promised to spend summer break together, a time unfathomably long for children their age to be apart.

That summer, Oikawa found out that Iwaizumi really, really liked bugs. The uglier and creepier they were, the more excited Iwaizumi was to chase after it. He had a net but just as often, he'd pick up beetles with his bare hands and put them into a tank his mother had given him until the end of the day when he let them all go.

Oikawa also learned that Iwaizumi could do _anything_ , or so it seemed to him. He climbed the tallest trees and dropped from their branches like it was nothing. He ran up hills and jumped over creeks. Oikawa was always one step behind him and he didn't want to be. He wanted Iwaizumi to think he was cool, too.

So while Iwaizumi was crawling through the grassy banks of a creek, he tried climbing a tree for the first time. It didn't end well. He hit the ground with a painful thud, landing on his ankle. Fortunately, Iwaizumi was distracted by a dragonfly, and after a couple of minutes, Oikawa was able to swallow his tears and force himself to walk without a limp.

They made it most of the way home before he tripped over an uneven sidewalk, causing the pain in his ankle to flare up and bringing tears to his eyes again. He didn't want Iwaizumi to think he was a wimp, but it was too late.

Iwaizumi didn't laugh at him, though. He rolled his eyes and called him a baby, but he didn't laugh. Instead, he carried Oikawa on his back the rest of the way home and told him he was stupid for not admitting he'd fallen.

Oikawa thinks about that memory sometimes and wonders why he never learned. Even now, he can't be honest to Iwaizumi when something's hurting. The part of him that thought Iwaizumi was the coolest person around never grew up and he still hates feeling like he'll never measure up.

That's why he can't make eye contact with Iwaizumi when his team enters the gym, though he can feel Iwaizumi's intent gaze on him. When their teams bow to each other, he lets himself peek up at the top of Iwaizumi's head, and his heart throbs painfully.

During the second set, Oikawa is put in as a pinch server. Finally he lets himself look directly at Iwaizumi, and of course Iwaizumi is looking back. He raises an eyebrow, asking what's wrong. Oikawa simply looks back down at the volleyball in his hand.

His serve is too wild, too inaccurate, and Iwaizumi's team gets the point when it goes out of bounds.

His second chance comes during the third set. His fingers clench tight around the volleyball and he feels the pressure of expectations upon him. His coach is watching, the captain is watching, an entire gymnasium has their eyes on him. That's fine if he's good enough. But if he's not, they'll look at him in disdain, then look away entirely. He has to be good. The best. Perfect.

He comes out of his jump wrong, landing on the ankle he hurt falling out of that tree years ago. Before any pain registers, there's automatic relief that he didn't fall on his knee, but it's replaced by guilt and anxiety for screwing up his serve again. His teammates circle around him and help him over to the bench, where the coach and medic check his ankle and tell him to let it rest for the remainder of the game. He sits with his fists clenched on his lap, feeling like a failure.

During the brief intermission before the fourth set, he's not surprised that Iwaizumi appears in front of him, though it looks like both of their teams don't know what to make of him crossing to the opposite side of the court.

"Oikawa, are you okay?" he asks.

Oikawa nods tensely.

_"It doesn't mean anything, does it, Tooru?"_

_"You're not one of those people."_

_"I raised you right, Tooru. Why are you acting out like this? Do you want more attention?"_

His mother's accusations echo shrilly in his head and he makes the long overdue decision that lying to Iwaizumi is stupid and pointless. "No. I'm not."

The next set starts before he can say anything else. Iwaizumi tells him they'll talk as soon as the game is over and rejoins his team. The minutes drag on until Oikawa's team wins the fifth set, but he doesn't feel like celebrating with them at all. When he's cleared by the medic to walk, he and Iwaizumi disappear together.

Down a long hallway, they find a bathroom clear of people. Iwaizumi leads him inside and locks the door behind them. Oikawa sits back on the edge of the sink counter to keep the pressure off his ankle just in case, though he doesn't feel any pain there. He can barely feel anything at all through the numb despair his mother's phone call brought on.

Iwaizumi sits next to him, taking his hand and lacing their fingers together without a word. He always seems to know when Oikawa needs pushed to talk and when he simply needs time to gather his thoughts. He needs more time than usual today, and his voice cracks when he starts to speak.

"My mom found the confession letter Takahashi gave me a long time ago when she was cleaning out my closet. She called and- well, she thinks I'm a freak." He turns from the tile pattern of the floor to Iwaizumi. " _Am_ I a freak, Iwa-chan?"

"Are you saying I'm a freak too, then?" He presses his free hand to Oikawa's cheek, making sure he keeps looking straight at him. "It doesn't matter what your mom or anyone else in the world thinks. You're not made of other people's opinions. Especially when they're shitty opinions."

"But, Iwa-chan," Oikawa says, sniffling and not feeling reassured in the least, "she said she doesn't want a son like me." Having to repeat her words is too much and Oikawa starts to cry in earnest, tears that steal his vision away. He can't even see when Iwaizumi moves closer, pulling him into a tight hug. He whispers, "Iwa-chan, why can't I ever measure up? Why can't I be who everyone wants me to be?"

"Who says you have to be?" Iwaizumi challenges. "If someone's too much of an idiot to care about you for you, that's on them. But I think your problem is that you don't think you're good enough for _you_."

Oikawa rubs the tears from his eyes, trying to figure Iwaizumi's words out. "What are you talking about?"

"You're always pretending to be someone else because you think the real you isn't enough. You'd think that even if everyone else in the world told you it was," Iwaizumi says, no room for argument in his tone.

He's right. Oikawa's never thought about it that way, but he's completely right. In that situation, Oikawa would think everyone was lying or flat-out wrong, no matter how naturally he'd seem to accept their compliments.

"I can't help it," he says. "I want to be better. I _need_ to be better."

"That doesn't mean you have to hate who you are right now." Iwaizumi's got a hand on both sides of his face now, captivating all his attention. "You're already enough. You don't have to pretend to be someone else and you don't have to keep changing your personality to try to fit in. I'm in love with you, not any of your stupid masks."

"Why, though?" Oikawa asks.

"For all the same reasons we've been best friends since forever, dumbass."

"But you always say my personality is shitty." It's not the best rebuttal, since they throw barbs like that back and forth all the time, but Oikawa's latent fear that Iwaizumi means his more than Oikawa does is emerging.

"You think I can't call out your bullshit without hating you? You're not that stupid, Oikawa," Iwaizumi says with an expression that says he's not going to let Oikawa end this conversation until he gets this point.

Oikawa wishes he could, but it's hard to believe Iwaizumi when he's sunk so far into self-loathing. "I don't deserve you."

"Oh, for _fuck's_ sake," Iwaizumi snaps. "I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen, got it? You can be an asshole, but you also look out for people better than anyone I've ever met. You work harder than anyone and you're smart as fuck and you're someone other people can believe in. I don't get why you get like this sometimes and think I'm going to replace you. _I'm_ the one who has to try to keep up with _you_."

Oikawa is stunned into silence. He never thought he'd hear a confession like that, never imagined Iwaizumi might have his own moments of insecurity in their relationship. "But you're everything to me, Iwa-chan."

"You think I don't feel the same?"

The warm lightness that wraps around Oikawa then makes him feel weak, but not exactly in a bad way. Something about Iwaizumi's emphatic words sinks in and he lets himself rest against the person who's always been willing to be his anchor.

He murmurs, "What do I do now? Mom wants me to come home this weekend 'to talk.' Which I know is code for trying to push me into saying this is just a phase."

"I'll come with you," Iwaizumi says.

"I didn't tell her about you, you know. She asked if I liked boys and I thought if she was going to find out eventually, I might as well get it over with, since she'd already found that letter." He should've gotten rid of it, but he's never been able to. It's become a symbol of the truth he took so long to admit about himself. "I hoped she would take it a little better than she did. She'll be even worse if she finds out the one I'm with is you. She'll be mean to you, because she'd rather this be your fault than mine."

"I don't care if she ends up hating me." He scowls. "She's got no right to act disappointed in you. That seriously pisses me off."

It's nice to have Iwaizumi's anger on his side, but he wants his mother's acceptance, too. He lets himself linger in Iwaizumi's arms until his tears have dried and he almost looks presentable again. "Thanks, Iwa-chan," he says, giving him blanket gratitude for everything they've just talked about, dreading but ready to face his mother.

-

Three days later and Oikawa finds himself not in his own home, but in Iwaizumi's. Iwaizumi convinced him they should stop there first, and it's obvious why. He trains his eyes on the vase of well-watered lillies on the coffee table as Iwaizumi's mother finishes brewing a pot of tea and brings it into the living room to offer them each a cup.

Her face is open and curious, which means two things: she doesn't know why they're here in Miyagi, but she knows this isn't some whimsical visit. She waits for them to start the conversation with a patience reminisce of her son's.

After getting a nod of affirmation from Oikawa, Iwaizumi speaks for them, blunt and without preface. "Mom, Tooru and I are dating."

Oikawa bites his lip and watches Iwaizumi's mother for any sign of disapproval or disbelief. She blinks a few times, resting one hand on top of the other in her lap.

"You mean, like a boyfriend and girlfriend?" she asks.

"Yes, but with two boyfriends and no girlfriend," Oikawa says, sounding far calmer than he feels.

Iwaizumi's mother looks at both of them in turn. Then she nods. "There are relationships like that too, aren't there? If that's what makes you happy, that's good enough for me." She smiles at them. "Thanks for letting me know before I started hounding Hajime about grandchildren."

Iwaizumi goes around the table to hug her and Oikawa exhales in relief. So it won't be the last time he sits in this living room after all. Iwaizumi's mother beckons him over and he hugs her too.

"Do you want to tell her the rest?" Iwaizumi asks.

"I guess so." He returns to his seat and says, "Thanks for supporting us, oba-chan. But my mother isn't exactly happy."

Grim understanding shadows her eyes. "I see. I'm so sorry to hear that, Tooru-kun. She might need some time to come around. I'm sure she didn't expect this either." She reaches across the table and pats their knees. "But you two have always been so happy together. I hope she realizes that's what's most important here." Oikawa has strong doubts about that ever happening, and Iwaizumi's mother can probably tell, because she adds, "Why don't I talk to her? It might be easier for her if someone's in the same boat."

The wording hurts Oikawa, because he thinks it should be easy for a mother to accept her child regardless. He might not have blamed her so much back when he thought he was in the wrong for liking boys. Those doubts haven't disappeared, but they're much weaker now, and every time someone accepts him and every time Iwaizumi reminds him he's loved, they get weaker still.

"I'm going to go talk to her today," Oikawa says. "She asked me to come home."

"There's no rush, is there? I'll take some of those cookies she likes over there and have a chat with her."

Oikawa relents, though he regrets it as soon as she's gone. It's torture having to sit around waiting, not knowing if Iwaizumi's mother is getting through to his own or not.

"I wish my mom was more like yours," he says mournfully.

"She's pretty great. You know she thinks of you as a son, too."

Oikawa keeps pacing the floor, knowing Iwaizumi's right about that but not feeling any better for it. "What if she never changes her mind?" he asks. "What if she kicks me out?"

"You'll still have a home here. But you're going to drive yourself crazy with what-ifs. Stop pacing and come over here, moron."

Oikawa begrudgingly returns to Iwaizumi's side, sinking into him. It's quiet for awhile, until Iwaizumi snaps at him to stop shaking his leg and Oikawa retorts that if he's not allowed to pace, he has to do _something_.

There's the sound of a key turning in a lock soon after and they hurry to the entryway to find out how it went. The sad smile she gives Oikawa says it all.

"She's not ready yet, Tooru-kun. But don't give up on her, okay? You're her son and nothing can change that."

Oikawa closes his eyes and nods. "Okay. I'm going to go talk to her."

"I'm coming too," Iwaizumi says.

"No, I'll go alone. I know my mom and I know she'll feel ganged up on if we both go," he sighs. "I'll come back right after."

Iwaizumi reaches out and squeezes his hand. "If you don't, I'll come drag your ass out of there."

What feels like moments later, he's facing his mother across the kitchen table. Her eyes are red-rimmed and she's sniffling theatrically. "Tooru, how could you do this to me?"

He's prepared himself for almost that exact sentiment, so he knows how to respond. "I'm not doing anything to you, Mom. This is who I am."

"But you and Hajime-kun are _friends_!" she insists. "Not this!"

"We're friends, and we're boyfriends, too."

The word is harder to say to his mom than it was to Iwaizumi's mom, but he says it clearly anyway. He's spent long enough being ashamed of himself. He doesn't want anyone else's opinion pushing him back towards that, and while it's hard to stand up to his mom when all he wants is for her to say there's nothing wrong with him, he knows he's got Iwaizumi's support on his side. Every time Oikawa fell apart over being gay, Iwaizumi helped him move past it. After all those times, he might've finally learned how to pick himself up.

"But it's not normal," his mom says, begging him to agree with her as she sheds fresh tears. "You're a handsome boy, Tooru, you can find a good girl! You're going to want kids someday, and a nice wife."

"I won't." There's automatic repellance at the mention of a wife. Maybe he'll never be able to get married to Iwaizumi, but if that's the case, then he just won't get married. "I don't want a girl. I want Hajime."

His mother digs into a nearly empty tissue box for a new tissue to wipe at her eyes with. When she's finished, she balls it up in her fist and speaks to the table. "I don't want to see you right now. You can come home when you come to your senses."

Oikawa takes a slow, deep breath. It hurts like hell to be rejected by his own mother for being himself. She doesn't even look at him as he gets up and leaves without further argument. He doesn't think his most eloquently constructed speech would get her to change her mind when she's convinced she knows him better than he knows himself.

_Give her time_ , he tells himself, recalling Iwaizumi's mother's words, but underneath his pain, he's angry. Angry that his mother doesn't want her son to be in love and happy if the one he's with is another boy. Angry that she only wants him around if he can make her look good to the neighbors.

He supposes that in the end, he's really never been that good at being who other people want him to be. But Iwaizumi's right about that, too. He only needs to be good enough for himself. And the fact that Iwaizumi loves him even at his worst makes him think it might be okay to love himself despite knowing his worst, too.

-

They don't head home right away. It's a long train ride and they want to stretch their legs first, not having recovered from the morning's trip yet. They wander down side streets until they've left the suburbs behind and they're in a small woods. He never thought of Miyagi as particularly rural, but living in Tokyo has given him a new perspective on things. Now he can appreciate the cool, green areas that made up so much of his and Iwaizumi's childhoods, at least until they got into volleyball and traded the outdoors for gymnasiums.

There's a specific creek they spent a lot of time playing around, and without discussing it they head towards it together. The sun is setting and the creek's almost dried up from a long summer of little rain, but there's enough water to justify taking their shoes and socks off and wading over the smooth rocks of the creek bed.

"Do you remember that time I tried to run away from home?" Oikawa asks, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, you were pissed everyone was paying more attention to Takeru than you."

"Which is a very understandable reason for an eight-year-old, thank you very much!" He swings their hands between them lightly, belying his angry tone. He can't remember when they started holding hands, but nothing could feel more natural. "Anyway, this is where I came, remember?"

"And you only brought a pillow, half a bottle of tea, and instant ramen you had no way of preparing," Iwaizumi says, recalling the details like his embarrassing vanishing act happened yesterday, not a decade ago.

"Yes, I very ill-prepared, you don't have to remind me," Oikawa says. "But it didn't matter, because an hour after I got here, you showed up with all sorts of food and sleeping bags and everything."

"Because I knew you'd be too stupid to bring anything useful," he says, as blunt and natural as the stones beneath them.

"I am _trying_ to make a romantic point," Oikawa says, exasperated. "Could you let me finish?"

"Like you'd actually ask for permission to keep talking."

"You're ruining the moment, Iwa-chan!"

He stops, ankle-deep in clear water, as a frog hops in front of them across a line of protruding stones. Iwaizumi watches it disappear back into the grass and then says, "I already get what you're saying, though." He turns to Oikawa, alight in the fading sun, or maybe that's just Oikawa's imagination. "I'll always be here to save you from your own stupidity."

"Okay, that's not exactly what I was going for, but fine," Oikawa relents.

The cicadas sing their cacophonous song all around them as Iwaizumi takes his other hand and steps forward so that they're separated by two inches at best, and then one, and though this is the moment Oikawa's been waiting for, he hardly knows what to do now that it's here. Iwaizumi's lips press against his and he acts on reflex alone, pressing back, tasting Iwaizumi, forgetting how to breathe. This is nothing like any kiss he's ever had, and there have been plenty. This kiss is right.

"I love you," he says when they pull apart. "So much."

He's not surprised that Iwaizumi doesn't return the sentiment verbally because Iwaizumi's always been about action, and the second kiss he gives Oikawa is more than enough of an answer.

"Come on," he says when they separate this time. "The water's getting cold."

As he's pulling his socks back on, Oikawa feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and checks it.

_Message received, 7:12 p.m.  
I'll take care of Mom. You can focus on Hajime-kun._

He smiles down at the message, silently thanking Ibuki.

He isn't doomed to rejection. He knows that now. And something tells him all the pain that led him to this point will be repaid tenfold in future happiness.

"Race you back to the station!" he shouts and takes off out of the woods, hearing Iwaizumi swear at his headstart and chase after him.

It was like this when they were six, and it's like this now, and in fifty years, Oikawa just knows he and Iwaizumi won't have changed one bit. They'll still be competitive and affectionate, teasing and supportive.

And they won't ever be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This makes the third chapter I made myself cry with when writing it. My own mother reacted very badly when I came out to her. That's why I wanted to reflect that experience in this fic. But four years later, my mother has apologized for everything she said and now she supports me and is always asking if I've gotten a girlfriend. People can change, even when it seems impossible.
> 
> With this, all the remains is the epilogue. Thank you all for reading this far and please see Oikawa's journey through to the end!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  _It's not an unpretending, little happy ending  
>  This is a grand finale_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> "Grand Finale" by the Studio Killers

"You have five seconds to get up before I wrap you up in the futon and shove the both of you in the closet."

Iwaizumi looms over him menacingly, conveniently blocking the sunlight so Oikawa doesn't have to squint to see how angry he is. He yawns loudly and rolls over on his stomach.

"Do what you must."

"Tooru, I swear to god- _you're_ the one who made plans for everyone to get together!"

"That was before I remembered how early ten feels during summer," Oikawa says in his defense, speaking into the sheets.

"I cannot believe you got recruited to the national team, Lazykawa."

Oikawa cranes his neck around so he can grin up at Iwaizumi. Mentioning the news that came only two weeks ago is almost enough to make him jump out of bed in excitement. Almost. "You can completely believe it, because I am incredible and talented and you love me."

"Wrong on all three counts." Iwaizumi gives up on him and moves over to his closet. "Fine, stay in bed all day. I'll go see our old teammates myself and they won't even notice you're missing. In fact, please do stay here."

He pulls a shirt and pants off hangers to change into. Oikawa turns on his side, shamelessly watching him get dressed. He considers whistling at him, but the last time he did that, Iwaizumi almost smothered him with a t-shirt, so he refrains.

His phone rings and he answers it after a glance at the screen. "Morning, Makki!"

"Still in bed, captain?"

He's twenty-two now but they all still insist on calling him that, not that he really minds. He says, "I'm not, in fact, I'm on my way but Hajime's been slowing me down so-"

The phone's grabbed from him mid-sentence. "Sorry my shitty boyfriend is making us late. We'll be there in five."

"That's physically impossible!" Oikawa protests, but Iwaizumi's already hung up and has started the process of bodily removing Oikawa from the futon. He groans and gives in, trudging over to the closet to grab an outfit of his own. Though his parents have slowly but surely come around under Ibuki's sharp influence, it's still easier to hang out at the Iwaizumi household, and over the past four years, more and more of his things have migrated into Iwaizumi's room.

"Okay, okay, I'm ready," he says after managing to smooth his hair from pure bedhead to an acceptable level of messiness.

"Finally," Iwaizumi grumbles, taking his hand and leading them downstairs and outside. They've gotten more daring recently, but they have to let go of each other when they reach the main street.

Miyagi hasn't changed much more than they have. It's still home and it's still where everyone congregrates during summer vacation, for the most part. Matsukawa is leaving in a few days for a teaching internship, Kunimi's abroad in Korea for the summer, and Kindaichi's training camp is just finishing up so he wasn't able to say for sure if he could make it or not. But it's almost the whole old team waiting for them at the familiar cafe by the time they get there, Iwaizumi shoving his head down in a forced apology.

"Look who finally showed up," Hanamaki drawls.

"You all should act more grateful that a national celebrity is willing to dine with you," Oikawa tells them as he takes a seat.

Iwaizumi takes the free seat beside him, saying, "I can throw him out at any moment, just give the word."

Kyoutani opens his mouth and Yahaba shoots him a warning glare before he can presumably tell Iwaizumi to go ahead, which Oikawa appreciates. At least he knows Kyoutani's dislike of him has nothing to do with him being gay, considering he still idolizes Iwaizumi even after finding out about their relationship.

Soon, food and drinks fill the table and conversation fills the air. Everyone's got their own life now, few of them intertwined, and this annual meeting is how they update each other on the details. Only Oikawa, Iwaizumi, and Kindaichi are still playing volleyball seriously, though he knows Yahaba plays on a community team and drags Kyoutani with him now and again.

As it turns out, there's big news besides Oikawa's acceptance to the national team, revealed not by words but by a sudden glint of light as Matsukawa reaches for pitcher of water.

Oikawa snatches his wrist, eyes wide. "Mattsun! Is that what I think it is?"

Iwaizumi tells him not to shout, but the words don't register. Oikawa is too entranced by the silver band resting snugly at the base of Matsukawa's ring finger.

"Well, it sure isn't proof that Matsukawa got fashion sense after all these years," Hanamaki smirks.

Oikawa looks at him, aghast. "You already know! You're in on this! Mattsun, are you _married_?"

Matsukawa's smile manages to come across as both humble and proud. "You met her last year when we all met up, remember?"

Of course Oikawa remembers. Her name was Ayane, and she was short and shy but hilarious once she warmed up to the group of rowdy guys. "How come you didn't tell me? I mean, us?" he demands, speaking on the whole table's behalf though it's clear no one besides him is perturbed.

"Hanamaki said it would be funnier this way."

"And I was right." He and Matsukawa clink their glasses together in toast to their twisted sense of humor.

But Matsukawa takes a small amount of pity on him then and admits, "We aren't married yet, just engaged. Wouldn't dream of having a wedding without inviting you, captain."

It's the mention of a wedding that reignites something hotly bitter that Oikawa tries to keep hidden away. He's reminded that he and Iwaizumi aren't going to be rewarded for their devotion with a wedding, not now, maybe not ever. Oikawa lets him think about it, sometimes, the two of them in tailored suits, or maybe traditional kimono, getting to show off to all their family and friends their unbreakable bond. Iwaizumi's offered to buy him a ring more than once, but Oikawa keeps turning him down. It's not like he'd be able to wear it.

He's happy for Matsukawa, he really is, but he can't help but think how unfair it is that Matsukawa and his girlfriend get society's official seal of approval but he and Iwaizumi have to stay invisible. And unfortunately, his friends know him too well after all this time, and they tactfully move the conversation from marriage to more neutral ground.

Iwaizumi doesn't let him off that easy, though. He brings it up late that afternoon, after they break off with the others to walk back home. "I'd marry you if I could. You better know that."

"Of course you would, anyone would-"

Iwaizumi jabs him between two ribs with expert speed and precision. "Stop acting like you don't know what I'm getting at. Everyone saw that you were jealous."

"It's not like I was feeling that way on purpose!" Oikawa looks down glumly and guiltily. "It just sucks knowing all our friends are going to get married and we can't. Well, Yahaba can't either, but that doesn't make me feel any better."

"I'd hit you again if you said it did." He sounds somewhat glum himself, though it's subtle enough that Oikawa doubts anyone else would notice. "But it's fine if we can't have what other people have. We have something better."

Oikawa can't argue with that, so he doesn't. He just takes Iwaizumi's hand and pretends it doesn't matter he'll never know what it feels like with a ring on.

-

The next morning, Oikawa is rudely awakened long before noon again. The difference is that today, Iwaizumi is woken up too, and the culprits are none other than Hanamaki and Matsukawa.

"Rise and shine, captain and vice captain," Matsukawa says as Hanamaki opens the curtains wide, morning sun spilling in faster than Oikawa can get the blanket over his head.

"What the fuck." Iwaizumi looks hypocritically murderous, but Oikawa can't enjoy it because he's equally tired and confused. "Get out of my bedroom, assholes."

"Huh, I've never heard you talk like that to someone besides Oikawa." Hanamaki nods in apparent approval.

"Kill them before the sunlight kills me, Iwa-chan," Oikawa groans as Matsukawa steals the blanket away from him.

"Quite frankly, I'm disappointed in you, Iwaizumi," Hanamaki says as he gives Iwaizumi's blanket the same treatment. "I always expected Oikawa to be late for his own wedding, but not you."

That wakes the both of them up. Oikawa rises to his elbows, peering suspiciously at the intruders. "What wedding?"

" _Your_ wedding," Matsukawa reiterates. "The forecast is clear until noon, but if the two of you don't hurry up, you'll have to say your vows in the rain."

Oikawa and Iwaizumi exchange looks, and Iwaizumi says calmly, "Start from the beginning and start making sense before I kick your asses out of here."

Five minutes later, Oikawa understands the situation, but he's still floored by the abruptness of two of his closest friends taking it upon themselves to give Oikawa and Iwaizumi a wedding, if an unofficial and non-legally binding one. It's ridiculous and spur-of-the-moment and the very last thing he expected to be doing that day (except for, say, calling up Kageyama and Ushijima for a pick-up game of volleyball), and by all accounts, he should tell them to stop fooling around. Iwaizumi gives him the opportunity, his silence telling Oikawa he'll defer to his opinion on this.

Finally, Oikawa grins. "Why not? Summer's the season for weddings, after all!"

-

As it turns out, Matsukawa and Hanamaki did a lot more preparing than they let on, and once they get the go-ahead from the grooms in question, they bring it all together. Neither Iwaizumi nor Oikawa have anything in the way of a yard, so they end up out of the suburbs on the outskirts of the woods they know so well. There's a field there lots of families use for picnics, but luckily, it's free that morning.

They wear the suits their mothers forced on them in case volleyball didn't work out and they had to go job-hunting like all the other recent college graduates. Food is provided by Watari and his three siblings, who apparently all love cooking. Oikawa is upset he didn't learn this information early enough to exploit it during his high school years.

The guest list includes the whole team from their last year at Aoba Jousai, except for Kunimi who couldn't make it back in time. To Oikawa's surprise, Kuroo is there too with Bokuto in tow, though they both look a little tired, undoubtedly from waking up early enough to make the trip from Tokyo. But a tired Bokuto is one who isn't constantly shouting, so Oikawa can't say he minds.

One guest is even more of a shock, and he can't figure out which of his so-called friends invited her and why. But there's Ai, watching the fanfare from the edge of the clearing. Her hair's longer now, but she's unmistakable in a softball cap, tall and quiet and with a small smile when her eyes meet Oikawa's.

He walks up to her, feeling awkward in a way he hasn't in years. "Ai-chan, I'm surprised to see you here," he says in a complete understatement.

"I'm a little surprised to be here," she admits.

He asks the question that's come to him more than once since their break-up. "You really never suspected?"

She shakes her head. "Not for a long time. When I first heard the rumors, I thought everyone was way off the mark. But the more I thought about it... Things started making sense." She looks over at Iwaizumi and smiles again. "I think you two make a great couple, Tooru-kun."

He's stunned at how easily she seems to accept the truth, though he supposes she's had years to mull over what went wrong between them.

She adds, "Anyway, after I realized the truth, I stopped being mad at you."

"Ah, well... Thanks." He's able to smile back at her now. "Sorry I was a terrible boyfriend."

"You did try," she says with the easy laugh he remembers well. "As long as you're a good boyfriend to Iwaizumi-kun, I think I can forgive you."

"It's a deal."

The next person who gets his attention is Kindaichi. He's also standing off a bit from everyone else, which probably has something to do with Kunimi's absence, but it's clear he has something to say from how he's trying to catch Oikawa's eye, so he goes over out of curiosity to hear him out.

"Oikawa-san," he begins, sounding rather formal. His outfit is an equally awkward attempt at formality, with a suit jacket over a black t-shirt and what look like old school uniform pants. He pauses with his mouth open, then bows once, quick and deep. "I'm sorry for listening to the rumors in high school and thinking you were weird." His face reddens. "I don't think that anymore! Not about you or Iwaizumi-san."

Oikawa blinks at the unexpected apology. Of course he noticed Kindaichi's aversion to sharing a locker room with him in high school, though he didn't seem to take those feelings onto the court. But he hadn't thought about it in a long time. When he and Iwaizumi came out to the whole team during their second year of college, no one took it badly, even Kindaichi.

All the same, he appreciates Kindaichi's sincerity in making things right, so he beams benevolently and pats his hair, still ridiculously spiked like he's going for a lifetime record of most hair gel used. "No hard feelings at all, Kindaichi-chan! And I expect you to be present at all of our anniversary celebrations from now on, too!"

"Yes!" he agrees too quickly and loudly, and Oikawa laughs.

"Tooru, even _you_ have to have better taste than harassing your own wedding guests."

He turns around to find Ibuki shaking her head at him, but with a telling smile. "Nee-chan! They invited even _you_?" he asks, echoing her emphasis.

"Yes, even me," she agrees good-naturedly. "And Hajime-kun's mother, too." Oikawa spots her off to his left, wrapping Iwaizumi in a big hug, her eyes misty. Iwaizumi looks embarrassed, which of course means all their friends start teasing him right away while simultaneously ingratiating themselves to his mother.

Oikawa looks back to his sister and asks, "Did you bring Takeru or?" He doesn't know about Oikawa and Iwaizumi, at least not officially, though Oikawa's about ninety percent certain he's known all along.

"No, not today. You know I wouldn't do that without asking you first." She hands him a box. "This is from my husband. They were passed down to him from both of his grandfathers and he said you could keep them until you got your own or permanently, if you liked them that well."

From that, Oikawa can easily guess what's inside, but he opens the box anyway to examine the silver bands inside. They've got distinct styles, but they're both simple and polished to a hard shine. "Tell him thanks for me. But you know this isn't a real wedding, right?"

"Why can't it be?" She poses the question seriously. "If it's real to you two, then it's real enough."

A pair of clapping hands pulls Oikawa's attention back to the center of the clearing. There Hanamaki and Matsukawa stand, in suits of their own. Hanamaki has apparently taken it upon himself to officiate the proceedings and he says, "Will the groom and groom come to the altar?"

The altar turns out to be a flat rock slightly protruding from the ground with the shallow roots of several trees twisting about it. Hanamaki positions himself behind it and Oikawa has to ask, "Are you the presiding minister? Did you arm-wrestle the honor from Mattsun?"

"I told him it should be me," Matsukawa says with a shrug. "I've seen more romcoms."

"But I look better in a suit."

"So I'll serve as best man," Matsukawa concludes.

"No way. I pick Yahaba-chan as my best man," Oikawa says. "My little protege has earned the spot."

"That's fine. I was talking about being Iwaizumi's best man," Matsukawa says, his lips twitching up at the corners.

"No," Oikawa says, just to get even. "I'll be his groom and his best man."

After a minor squabble in which Iwaizumi shows he has no qualms about calling Oikawa an idiot despite being about to marry him, Yahaba and Matsukawa take their places as best men and everyone else gathers in a loose half-circle in front of the altar, a hush settling in with the change of aura.

Hanamaki clears his throat and speaks with authority, like he's actually been ordained when Oikawa's sure he's making this up on the spot, just like the essays he always wrote an hour before they were due. "Thank you all for gathering here today. As you know, Iwaizumi and Oikawa... are in love."

Iwaizumi scowls at him, not quite over his embarrassment from earlier. "If everyone knows it, why are you trying to be dramatic?"

Hanamaki ignores him with the patience of a man who put up with Oikawa for three years and continues on. "Unfortunately, our current society is too heartless to acknowledge it. That leaves the responsibility to us, their most beloved and trusted friends."

"Why are you talking about us like we're not here?" Oikawa complains.

Again, Hanamaki continues on as if uninterrupted. "So let's cut to the chase. Iwaizumi, do you accept Oikawa as your husband?"

"That's all you had to say?" Iwaizumi asks, scowl deepening.

"Is that a no?" Hanamaki returns.

Iwaizumi huffs in annoyance and looks back at Oikawa. "Obviously I do."

Oikawa smiles widely. "I do, too."

"I didn't ask you yet," Hanamaki says.

"Don't care!" Oikawa sticks his tongue out at him, but only for a second, because he doesn't want to have to look away from Iwaizumi. Not now, not ever.

"I probably deserved that," Hanamaki accepts. "Captain, you may now kiss the vice-captain. And vice versa."

Before Oikawa can protest a public kiss, Iwaizumi steps forward and gives him one chaste kiss. His face goes redder than Kindaichi's was earlier, though they've done a lot more than closed-mouth kissing in the past few years. To draw attention away from both the kiss and his blush, he pulls the box out of his pocket. "I think it's out of order," he says, throwing a glare at Hanamaki, "but we still have to exchange rings."

Iwaizumi seems taken aback by the sudden appearance of rings, but he doesn't question it as Oikawa takes his hand and slides one over his finger. He does the same in return, and as last-minute and fake as this wedding is, it does feel real in the moment, when he has the cool metal of a promise wrapped around his finger and Iwaizumi's hand clasped tightly in his own. So Ibuki was right, as usual.

Oikawa feels the warmth of Iwaizumi's gaze on him and he looks back up into the eyes that have always, always watched over him. They make Oikawa feel safe. They remind him it doesn't matter at all what anyone else thinks about him.

So he throws his arms around Iwaizumi and kisses him once again, a kiss born of adoration and trust and the kind of love that's stronger than all the world's cruelty, and he knows that he's made plenty of mistakes in his life, but loving Iwaizumi has never been one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One year and 70k words later, my story of Oikawa's slow and painful yet ultimately happy coming out is over. Writing this story was cathartic for me and I hope it was meaningful for many of my readers, too.
> 
> I want to end with a huge thanks to everyone who's left comments or kudos on this fic. <3 Thanks for reading and thanks for your support!
> 
> Talk to me at satellitetrash.tumblr.com!


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